Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.

After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 

Then... it's been full speed ever since. 

I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.

It's been good things mostly.

Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 

Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.

Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?

How is my second Christmas without John?

How is my first Christmas with Ryan?

What new things have I encountered? 

Were there any surprises?

What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.

I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 

Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*

And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.

I don't know if it's because i am a widow.

or if I still have lingering grief.

or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....

I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.

i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.

and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.

OF COURSE.

I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...

but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 

I am just missing John.

So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.

basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.

I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.

He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 

He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....

I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.

I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.

He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.

I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.

It was fucking awful.

So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.

This is weird but I was anxious about it. 

Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.

What if this is the year i am not in it?

I was in it.

One paragraph....

even ryan made the poem...

which touched my heart.

It's weird. Isn't it???

To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?

yeah, i know.

but somehow it just works out.

and we have learned how to make it less weird.

we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.

I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.

then it's my birthday.

holy family.

this part makes me smile.

i love that i have so many to love.

i just wish i still had john too.

then it would be pretty much perfect.

two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.

I will be 28.

I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.

i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.

in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.

like that's all i have to offer??

I don't want my job to make me who i am.

but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 

I want to be known for so much for than that.

I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.

But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 

and paying off my loans.

being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?

Where will my journey take me?

I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...

but widowhood knocks you down.

it throws you on your back.

the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.

it kicks dirt in your face. 

on your "plans" 

on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.

and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

bah-humbug!!!!

the holidays are stressing me out.
and they always used to be such a highlight of the year.
family, friends, gifts, food, fun, festivities, parties, laughs, birthdays, etc. etc.

those were the times when i had stars in my eyes.
and everything still had it's holiday magic.

and now it feels lost.

My holidays have lost their magic.
their allure.

I find myself stressing this year more than ever.
One would think that last year would have been more stressful because it was my first year without John. But, my family and John's family had open arms and everyone got together for each other. This year feels very different... and it's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ryan.
so, you would think adding him into the picture would be a given. have dinner with his family.

minor problem.
Ryan's parents just went through a separation last month.
now it's awkward... his mom is living with a friend and his dad moved to gainesville.
I mean, which parent would we go spend time with?

We considered Vegas with my sister. Then with the price of plane tix and the fact that Ryan has a lame job where he doesn't know his schedule until a week ahead of time and the fact that he works for a company that works through holidays... who knows if he will even have time off. Which brings up another point of how I am STILL very bitter at Waldorf for scheduling John for EVERY holiday before he died. Even though John filled out a request for his top 3 and they "promised" one of them. so, after being stripped from that precious time with him... I will be damned if Universal does the same thing to Ryan.

And as much as it may seem weird for most people... I still want to have my Thanksgiving with the Seays. They are, afterall, still my family. And they are a connected family and not divided by divorce or separation. It makes me feel whole when I am around them. Like they are part of my missing puzzle piece.
I think a large facet of this whole thing has to do with the fact that from the age of three years old I was raised ALONE with my dad.
I never had the big family dinners (until my brother and sister in law eventually had kids and the family grew...) But as time went on and I went to college... I lost all of that. I remember the times when I didn't even get to go home for Thanksgiving because i was tied to the marching band and the ultimate rivalry game of FSU vs. UF. So when I graduated and John and I would sit around and spend out holidays with brothers and sisters and friends and parents and nephews and nieces... it was like a perfect holiday for me. It was the stuff I had always dreamed about.
The stuff you see in those cheesy publix commercials.

This year i questioned whether or not I would be invited to any of the holiday stuff.
I ran it by Jim (John's dad) that I would stop by and of course, he welcomed me. I get nervous to ask them to be part of things... like maybe they don't want me to be a part of anything anymore. That maybe eventually I will be pushed out of the picture. But, even for Halloween I went over and trick or treated with the boys and when I go to their place there are still pictures up of me and John.. and I find comfort in that they still consider me a part of their lives.
But a part of me feels torn by my dad and Ryan's mom. (both rely on US for their plans).
I feel bad that I really don't have much to offer them.
I haven't made any plans.
And how awkward to invite Ryan's mom to my late fiance's family's house for thanksgiving.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
see what i am talking about??????

I honestly want to just... sit down... go online and find the cheapest flight to ANYWHERE and book a flight, a hotel, and just go away. Just me and Ryan.
No more worrying or thinking.


I don't want to deal with any of the planning or thinking or hurting feelings or having my feelings hurt. All I have ever wanted was to be surrounded by my favorite people during the holidays. I wanted to feel the warmth of family and the casual chats of "how are you and what have you been up to." Heaping plates of food and sharing funny stories. Watching football on TV or exchanging funny YouTube videos ( a favorite between me and John's sister, Annie).

Of course, I really long for the day when I can start my own family.
my own traditions and all.
Gathering around.
And teaching my children about what it means to be together.

And give them something I never really had growing up.
And what I lost along the way.

white/black christmas

It's 10:50pm. I guess I can go ahead and safely say I survived my first Christmas without John. I never would have thought this in April... or May or even in November.

I have been reading a wonderful book lately which I recommend to all young widows: I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can. The book has many relevant chapters and a lot of useful information. It's a book especially made for YOUNG widows... which I find EXTREMELY important. There have been so many books I have read that generalize all the grief into one category. But grief comes in many shapes and sizes. And I believe young widows fall into their own special category. Because we are different. Our lives had just begun with our loved one. We still had many things to accomplish with them. Some of us were looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, to a wedding at all, to having babies, etc. Anyway, in this book they have a chapter called Holidays. It gives an insight to many things... how to make it more bearable, how to start new traditions, etc. One thing it mentions is something I have been aware of already... but never experienced to quite the level I did until this holiday. It's called Anticipation.

For a widow... or anyone experiencing a loss... the anticipation of an event.

And it's VERY true. I have freaked out more the days before an event than on the day of. And I think Christmas was one of my worst. Although most wouldn't be able to tell. It's haunted me. Yesterday was Christmas Eve. The worst day in a long time. It wasn't just the missing John part... but the heightened DEPRESSION. I felt horrible and sad... and just plain miserable. Everywhere around me people were jolly and in the spirit of Christmas. I tried to find someone that stood out. Someone that was miserable like me. Not happening. Apparently no one else in this town lost the love of their life this year too? Seriously? Can someone please just sit and cry with me..?

We went to Christmas Eve service. The one like I used to go to EVERY year with John and his dad. It was a candlelight service. Just like the one we used to go to. As the carols began everyone started to sing. I didn't. Then everyone stood. I didn't. I couldn't understand how everyone was standing... how they could sing out when John wasn't there. How can I be living in this pain alone? Why was everyone so happy? Why was I out and about anyway? How could I possibly think this was a good idea? But, I was out. I was with my family. I am alive. So, I forced myself to stand. I sang a couple carols... the last one being "Silent Night." I cried because this was the last carol we would sing at John's church. The same church where hundreds gathered for his memorial service. The same one where we would hold hands in the dark and hold our dripping candles while I sang in harmony to Silent Night. Well, while I sang the harmony.

When I left the service I found Karen (my sister in law) and I hugged her and cried and cried. I cried loud. I didn't care who heard. After all... I was in a church. If there is anywhere where this was accepted it was at a church. Yet, I couldn't help but feel maybe I was putting a kink in someone's holly jolly.

To be honest I was a huge grump yesterday. I was a typical scrooge. I was short tempered, moody, and lazy. I mainly slept in a bed most of the day. I tried to imagine what Christmas would be like without John. And I sat and thought about my past Christmases with John. I did all I could to not get upset about the Christmases I COULD have had with John. But, no joy. They come in waves. The what ifs. The might have beens. Oh my God, why?

Christmas came today. No one could stop it. Not even me and all my tears.

The holiday I used to anticipate with great joy... now anticipated with great fear!

But of course it wasn't as bad as yesterday. It went by smoother than i thought. It still sucked. It still brought pain... but I have to be grateful that I had my family to keep my thoughts away from the darkness. I still received gifts. I still gave away gifts. Something I told myself I wouldn't do.

And then a sort of miracle of a thing happened.

Something I had wanted to happen...

it snowed.

It hasn't snowed on Christmas in Raleigh, NC since 1947. The first white Christmas in over 60 years.

And it did.

For me.

Well, I believe.

And as much as it disheartens me to know that John wasn't here to experience it with me... I find comfort in that ... maybe he had something to do with it?

And then there's a part of me... that once again realizes... I'm not alone.

I made sure to contact all my friends today that have lost someone. That can make me realize that I am not alone. That we all survived this day together. That we are stronger than we think. Not because we want to be. Because we have to be. Because we choose to live and give it all we got. We have all made a decision that we don't want to give up on the life we were given. We all have chosen to honor our loved ones by living the life they would want us to live. Because their number one goal was for us to be happy.

My heart is saddened by the holiday. But I know how pleased John would be of me to have made it through. He loved my nieces. He loved my family. He would want me to enjoy my time with them. I know he would. But I think he would understand that my heart aches for him. It's hard to imagine never having another Christmas with him.

No more giving him useless gifts he would use once and never touch again or never at all.

No more Bulgari cologne to buy.

No more watching John staple the cord on the Christmas lights and ruining them all.

No more watching John hold his nephews up so they can reach the top of the tree to hang their ornaments.

I don't think I am ready to accept it.

I know I should.

It's called denial.

Yep, I guess I am still there.

"Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission"

So, this is Christmas?

In the past I have had dreams where it is the day before Christmas and I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone. I struggled to go out and find things and ended up getting nothing by the time the holiday rolled around. Apparently, this is a fear of mine.

But this year.... I am living the dream.

Christmas is only a couple days away and I am no way prepared for it. Any gifts I have bought have been totally sporadic. I had told myself ahead of time that I wasn't going to worry about Christmas at all this year. That I didn't want annything because I wasn't going to get anything for anyone else. Alas, I lied. But, I don't have a list this year (we all know how much I love lists) and I didn't really make it a goal to get everyone a gift. It's not me being rude or thoughtless. I am just going with the flow. If I hop into a store and something strikes me... I will get it for someone and be done with it. But, I don't make it a mission this year to go out and get everyone their specific things. To just lay it out plain and simple: Christmas this year blows.

It has definitely lost it's magic. It's spirit. Whatever.

My first holiday season as a widow is exactly the way other widows before me have described it. Awful.

It doesn't mean I am not enjoying the company of my family and friends. It doesn't mean I dont crave the traditions or the shopping. It just means that I have to try extra hard to be in that spirit. And I have to say I have done a pretty damn good job. I have kept together nicely... and I save most of my breakdowns for times when I am alone.

I just won't mind when this Christmas passes.

I will gladly wave 2010 goodbye...

and pray and hope that 2011 will show some grace.

Today I took a really long nap.

I had ANOTHER John dream. So far I have had John dreams everytime I have slept so far here in NC. But, there was something different about this one. He wasn't leaving me. Most of my John dreams consist of John letting go of me... either he is dying or breaking up with me. It's like my brain is re-hashing it all over and over. But, in this dream... we danced. He looked great! I was completely happy. It really had a happy ending. And when I woke up I contemplated reality. It takes about 5 minutes for my thoughts to adjust. No, John isn't there. Yes, that was just a dream. Yes, that really sucked. No, I can't go back to sleep to see him again.

John lives in my dreams. He is created nightly by my mind. He is no longer a thing to be seen or touched... only imagined and remembered. How odd is that?

And his memories are all around... even here. All the girls (my nieces) have pictures of John in their room. There is this one in Kalee's room that is my absolute favorite. It's of her and John on a carousel in Universal. They are both smiling. She framed it. It makes me smile... and sometimes sad.

Outside is John's apple tree. It looks soo pathetic right now. It looks dead to be honest. But, I am hoping that it's just the winter appearance it has taken on. Apparently it blooms every spring and produces apples. (ok, like 2. the size of golf balls)

Brielle is laying with Xander (bloodhound) next to the fireplace. They are asleep. John and Zion used to sleep next to the fireplace together. I always thought it was so sweet... so cute... so typical of John to fall asleep there. He could sleep anywhere, actually.

I guess I still can't believe this is Christmas.

I made to Christmas? Without John? How was this possible?

Today is 8 months.

I am completely still in love with John.

Every ounce of my being still misses him.

He should be here. It's Christmas. It's family time. He was my family. He was going to be my husband. We should have been hanging our "first christmas" ornament together on the tree. We should have been buying our monogrammed "S" towels and talking about 2011... and trying for a baby!!

I hate that this widow experience has ruined things for me... like Christmas... like weddings... like parties and social events...

this isn't me. but it is. now.