Friday, December 23, 2011

Where are you, Christmas?

It's been hard to update my blog this month.
After the stress of my school concert (which went fine) I entered the last days of school... which went by about as slow as one could imagine. When you are a teacher I swear you are counting down the days for a break more than the students. 
Then... it's been full speed ever since. 
I thought things would cool down after that but they didn't.
It's been good things mostly.
Parties, family events, get togethers, etc. etc. 
Our calendar has been jam packed with so much to do... and usually I am the type of person that craves that "go, go, go" rush. But, I am ready to relax a bit and enjoy some down time. I need that break. I need to just to stop and enjoy my time with Ryan.
Our first Christmas together.

How is this Christmas?
How is my second Christmas without John?
How is my first Christmas with Ryan?
What new things have I encountered? 
Were there any surprises?
What's life like during the holidays?

1) The holidays have lost their magic.
I blame this partially on FLORIDA. 
Being in FL for Christmas is a total joke. For some people going outside in shorts and a tank top on christmas is a dream come true but for me it just pisses me off. Listening to songs on the radio about snow storms, fireplaces, hot chocolate, etc. just makes me want to scream. I am blasting my A/C at full speed and rolling my eyes in the car. My closet is a tease. Everytime I walk in there I want to grab a cozy sweater but I feel like i am wearing the same things over and over.... just patiently waiting for an excuse for a cute scarf. *i LOVE scarves*
And, i don't know... I don't feel Christmas.
I don't know if it's because i am a widow.
or if I still have lingering grief.
or if it's because i am not a 9 year old anymore clinging to the mirror looking for rudolph and thinking every blinking red light on a radio tower is him....
I don't know why exactly but it doesn't feel like the christmas i once knew.
i know i am sounding like a faith hill song right now but I would love to have that feeling back.
and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking that won't happen until i have kids of my own.

2) i still miss John.
I know this shouldn't really be a surprise...
but this month has been more challenging than the rest. I have thought about him more often than normal (whatever the hell normal is) and I have been crying over him recently. maybe it's all the holiday cheer and warm fuzzy feelings spreading around... but i just miss him. i miss his sweet voice. i miss things he would say to me and i miss the connection we had. i am not at all means trying to say i am unhappy with Ryan.... 
I am just missing John.
So much so that I had another dream about him the other night that made me very upset when i woke up in the morning.
basically someone told me John was in town and didn't tell me.
I had to investigate and find out where he was staying.
He was with friends and when I stopped by to see him they said he didn't want to talk to me. 
He was mad at me for cheating on him or what not....
I finally convinced them to let me in and I sat down with John and he said he was mad I was with Ryan.
I told him he had died and had been gone and i didn't know he was coming back.
He didn't believe me so I spent the next part of my dream giving him the complete play-by-play of the whole day... where he died.
I had to fucking re-live that day in my dream as I told him.
It was fucking awful.
So, John has been invading my thoughts a lot. 
I wish I could just pick up the phone to heaven and say hello... just to let him know I am ok... and make sure he isn't actually mad at me. (which i doubt he would be)

3) I made the seay poem.
This is weird but I was anxious about it. 
Opening up the red envelope frantically I started to feel my blood rush.
What if this is the year i am not in it?
I was in it.
One paragraph....
even ryan made the poem...
which touched my heart.
It's weird. Isn't it???
To have John's family write a stanza in their poem dedicated to their late son's fiance and her new boyfriend?
yeah, i know.
but somehow it just works out.
and we have learned how to make it less weird.
we are ... the exception.

4) My families are expanding.
I am doing christmas eve with the seays, christmas with Ryan's family and the day after christmas with my family.
then it's my birthday.
holy family.
this part makes me smile.
i love that i have so many to love.
i just wish i still had john too.
then it would be pretty much perfect.
two men? yah, wait. oh wow... maybe that would be awkward.

5) My birthday is on Tuesday.
I will be 28.
I am having a dinner with a bunch of friends... i consider myself lucky to have so many that can be there for me.
i just have this sense of unaccomplishment.
in the seay poem it mentioned my job as a band director.
like that's all i have to offer??
I don't want my job to make me who i am.
but then again... what else do I have? What could people jot down when they described me? i know i would want more than "band director" to be used. 
I want to be known for so much for than that.
I need this 28th year of my life to be more fulfilling.
But I will also settle for health, love, happiness. i will be happy with those things. 
and paying off my loans.
being debt free would be a bonus.

... So the question now may be....

How will my 2012 go?
Where will my journey take me?
I have always been one to look ahead in the far future and think about all the exciting things to come...
but widowhood knocks you down.
it throws you on your back.
the kind where you can't breathe for a little bit... knocks the breath out of you.
it kicks dirt in your face. 
on your "plans" 
on the coulda' woulda' shoulda' beens.
and so I am going to go ahead and just say... 

i'll take it one day at a time.

and that's good enough, my friends. 

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