Wednesday, December 22, 2010

So, this is Christmas?

In the past I have had dreams where it is the day before Christmas and I hadn't bought a single gift for anyone. I struggled to go out and find things and ended up getting nothing by the time the holiday rolled around. Apparently, this is a fear of mine.
But this year.... I am living the dream.
Christmas is only a couple days away and I am no way prepared for it. Any gifts I have bought have been totally sporadic. I had told myself ahead of time that I wasn't going to worry about Christmas at all this year. That I didn't want annything because I wasn't going to get anything for anyone else. Alas, I lied. But, I don't have a list this year (we all know how much I love lists) and I didn't really make it a goal to get everyone a gift. It's not me being rude or thoughtless. I am just going with the flow. If I hop into a store and something strikes me... I will get it for someone and be done with it. But, I don't make it a mission this year to go out and get everyone their specific things. To just lay it out plain and simple: Christmas this year blows.
It has definitely lost it's magic. It's spirit. Whatever.
My first holiday season as a widow is exactly the way other widows before me have described it. Awful.
It doesn't mean I am not enjoying the company of my family and friends. It doesn't mean I dont crave the traditions or the shopping. It just means that I have to try extra hard to be in that spirit. And I have to say I have done a pretty damn good job. I have kept together nicely... and I save most of my breakdowns for times when I am alone.
I just won't mind when this Christmas passes.
I will gladly wave 2010 goodbye...
and pray and hope that 2011 will show some grace.

Today I took a really long nap.
I had ANOTHER John dream. So far I have had John dreams everytime I have slept so far here in NC. But, there was something different about this one. He wasn't leaving me. Most of my John dreams consist of John letting go of me... either he is dying or breaking up with me. It's like my brain is re-hashing it all over and over. But, in this dream... we danced. He looked great! I was completely happy. It really had a happy ending. And when I woke up I contemplated reality. It takes about 5 minutes for my thoughts to adjust. No, John isn't there. Yes, that was just a dream. Yes, that really sucked. No, I can't go back to sleep to see him again.
John lives in my dreams. He is created nightly by my mind. He is no longer a thing to be seen or touched... only imagined and remembered. How odd is that?
And his memories are all around... even here. All the girls (my nieces) have pictures of John in their room. There is this one in Kalee's room that is my absolute favorite. It's of her and John on a carousel in Universal. They are both smiling. She framed it. It makes me smile... and sometimes sad.
Outside is John's apple tree. It looks soo pathetic right now. It looks dead to be honest. But, I am hoping that it's just the winter appearance it has taken on. Apparently it blooms every spring and produces apples. (ok, like 2. the size of golf balls)
Brielle is laying with Xander (bloodhound) next to the fireplace. They are asleep. John and Zion used to sleep next to the fireplace together. I always thought it was so sweet... so cute... so typical of John to fall asleep there. He could sleep anywhere, actually.

I guess I still can't believe this is Christmas.
I made to Christmas? Without John? How was this possible?
Today is 8 months.
I am completely still in love with John.
Every ounce of my being still misses him.
He should be here. It's Christmas. It's family time. He was my family. He was going to be my husband. We should have been hanging our "first christmas" ornament together on the tree. We should have been buying our monogrammed "S" towels and talking about 2011... and trying for a baby!!
I hate that this widow experience has ruined things for me... like Christmas... like weddings... like parties and social events...
this isn't me. but it is. now.

No comments: