2014 and the stories it will tell

A friend once wrote to me:

"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."

Touche.

Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.


It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.

As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)

I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)

Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.

I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.

I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.

I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)

i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."

I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.

I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?


And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.

End of October

Only a few more hours left of October.
Thank goodness.
Farewell October.

I mean, it wasn't as bad as I thought... but I just think it was lingering a bit.
Now it's time to take on November. A whole new month will a whole new set of emotions. The holidays are arriving. They are sneaking up... and I am trying to hold my ground. I won't let myself get out of control. I just made it through Oct. 30th. I can do this.

I just took my relationship status off Facebook. I know, weird huh? Like that is the biggest deal in my life right now? a status on a social network site? oh my goodness where has my life come to. But, I guess to me... it was a step. Another small step. Ya know facebook has a "widowed" status now. But I wasn't ready to put that one up... I wonder what icon shows up for that one. like when you go from a relationship to single it shows a broken heart (rude). Does the widow one have like a black, broken heart. or a tombstone with a heart on it?
As you may know....
I was supposed to get married this weekend.
Many people remembered me this weekend.
Many sent messages.
Many sent texts.
And I appreciated it all. It was so nice to be remembered. The whole odd part about it is... they should have been at my wedding. Saying their congrats to me and wishing me well as me and John went on our way to our honeymoon.
But here I am.
Not married. With an engagement ring still on my finger. And watching TV alone with my cat on the couch.

I stressed so much earlier on with what I was going to do this important weekend. I just eventually gave up on trying to think about it or plan. And just let it come and pass and I would get through it. Luckily, I was surronded by great people to help out.
I went to St. Petersburg.
I went to dinner.
I saw Jack Ass 3-D.
I played beer pong.
I held a tarantula and it sunk it's fangs into my hands.
I learned how to shoot a gun.
I watched lots of movies and chilled out.
I hugged and kissed a beluga whale.
I walked an emu.
I played with a bobcat.
I hugged baby kangaroos.

And there you have it.
How I spent my wedding weekend.
Not exactly what I thought my wedding weekend would have been.
I know that I would have been surronded by all the people I love and becoming John's wife. I would be dancing to our song... throwing a bouquet and hoping my best friend caught it. I would be giggling and laughing and swirling around the room in my gown. I would be eating a beautiful cake and John would be slicing into his bass drum cake. We would be hearing John's brothers make a toaste and my sister in law and Evan make a toast as well. I am sure I would have been crying. Because my happiest of happiest days had arrived.

But. Life threw me a curve ball. It sent me whirling in a new direction. And each baby step I take to get through this is good enough for now. Because I am making it through. I just survived October.

Yesterday I went and had dinner with Lisa and Jeff.
Lisa is the fiance' of one of John's best friend's, Tim.
Jeff was also one of John's closest friends.
The wedding I spoke of before in December... that is Lisa and Tim's wedding. And John was supposed to be in it. A groomsman. And I would have been his wife by then.
The dinner was nice. We all sat around and chatted about our lives. Jeff is about to go on tour with the Blue Man Group for like 9 months. He will com home for the wedding but other than that he will be on the road for awhile. I plan on seeing one of his shows. (mainly the one that goes to Raleigh although I swear I am going to the one in Hawaii too :)
Lisa is planning her wedding. She is actually have her rehearsal dinner at the place we ate, Bahama Breeze.
I would be in this process with her. I would be ahead of her... because I HAD to have a fall wedding. It was mandatory for me. An Autumn wedding for Autumn. John knew my reason. He thought it was silly at first but honestly he just wanted to please me so went along with it. He went along with most things. He always wanted me to be happy. If it made me happy. It was ok with him.
After dinner I gave some of John's things to Jeff. I have done this with a few of John's friends. It hasn't been hard. I don't mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel sort of good. Because I know that if one of my friend's died I would want that stuff too. Stuff that had meaning. I have been trying to find meaningful stuff to pass on. I gave Jeff some drum sticks, a drum, and John's drum corps/marine corps back pack to take with him on tour. That back pack meant probably the most. John loved it. It was heavy duty too. All my drum corps back packs were torn and ragged by the end of tour but this one always looked in great shape.
After Jeff left sat in my car and cried.
I grabbed the bear that Christina gave me and hugged it and cried. And I cried LOUD. No one could hear me. This is the first LOUD crying I have done in some time now. Because with always having people around I try to maintain my crying as much as possible. Even though I do cry everytime. I try and cry with control. But I can only take so much.
Then I decided to go to the mall. To wait on Andrea and Kelly for a movie. Because we needed one.

This is also part of a "vow" we have made with each other.
We have promised that we will do at least 1 fun thing a day forever. And I think so far we have achieved it. Andrea said we aren't allowed to go to sleep until we do. Sometimes it's playing a game together like Andrea's favorite... Bananagrams. Or sometimes it's swimming, or watching our favorite Tv shows together.. or going out for dinner. Last night was movie date.

And being the punctual women they are (not) we had to go to a later show. So, here I am wandering the mall... and all I can think about is "well, atleast I can get my free piece of Godiva chocolate while I am here!" And of course I find out that it is no longer there. oh great now what?

.... medicine is making me dizzy.....



will continue tomorrow.



p.s. i broke my iphone. again. FML

The Wedding That Would Have Been

There isnt a day that goes by that I am not thinking about what my future would have been like with John. And every day I think about what was to be the happiest day of our lives.
It was a day we had talked about for years... it was something we would have done sooner but John had to make sure everything was perfect. He had goals to reach and he felt so accomplished of himself when he achieved them.
Our wedding was set for the fall this year. The date would have most likely been October 30th.
I wanted November... but location wise wasn't working out.
Our colors were brown, cream and gold. (with a hint of garnet... duh)
I had already picked out my wedding dress. A Maggie Sottero. My dream designer. When I tried the dress on my sister-in-law cried. We knew it was the one. I looked like a princess... as cliche as that sounds. It was quite extravagant.
We wanted a big, traditional, formal wedding. We had our guest list already made up... around 250 people. We had the wedding party selected and I had already started planning with my wedding planner, Deb.

I mean this was something I had planned for years... maybe since I was a little girl. Because it's what all little girls dream of.
I laughed at the fact that John felt like he was off the hook because he had done the proposal and he was "free and clear." I made him aware this was not the case. That he still had to participate in decisions. So, when I showed him the cake I wanted he said "whatever you want..." He truly wanted me to be happy.
Then I mentioned the birds nest on top of it. That's where he drew the line.
When looking at reception locations we took John once. We walked in and immediately he said "NO." and that was that and we concluded it was the last time we would take him to those.
John was going to have a bass drum grooms cake.
It was going to be complete with mallets. It was going to be awesome.
I was going to dance with my dad to "What a Wonderful World/Somewhere Over the Rainbow." and of course I would take my first dance with John to our song... "I love how you love me."
We were going to take dance lessons. Just to get basic moves.

We looked forward to cake tastings and food tastings.
We wanted a big dance floor because we wanted our friends and family to be there all night. We wanted for everone to have fun and not want to leave. Which also meant we were gooing to have an open bar.
My bridesmaids were going to be in brown most likely with a gold sash to break up the solid color.

After the wedding John and I were going to take a honeymoon to Ireland.
We don't know what made us want Ireland.
We didn't want the traditional "island" getaway.
We wanted a place secluded and beautiful.... and actually Ireland isn't bad expense wise.
I was all about the castles and horses in fields of green. John was all about the pub atmosphere and the people.

John and I had a big dilemma when it came to our wedding bands. I have a platinum ring. He wanted white gold.
This was unacceptable to me because I thought we needed to match. It would show we were a couple, right? That we belonged together. John wouldn't budge. EVentually he caved in. And then I caved in. He could have yellow gold. I would have it engraved with "ilymtli" on the inside. Something that both his father and brother have engraved on their wedding bands.

It was going to be a perfect wedding for a perfect couple.
We were going to have an amazing marriage and a family together.

I miss my fiance. He was going to be my husband. In October. And I was to be his wife. forever.

denial and a ring

sometimes when i am a large crowd of people i look for John's face. as if he is going to magically appear.

sometimes i just look for something that resembles him. his type of hair, his hands, his legs, his type of clothes... to see if there is something out there like him. but there is NOTHING. NO ONE that is my John.
is this part of that denial stage? what does that consist of anyway? it means you don't believe something happened.
i guess i do have that happening sometimes. especially being here in north carolina. it was the weekend before John died that I was up here. He was in Dayton and I was here. It was just a short weekend apart.
We talked every night.
We missed each other a lot.

Now that I am here again I feel like it could just be a weekend apart. but i know it's not.
i know that the next reuniting we will have will be in heaven.

I cried with my niece today.
She is 13. So, I was a bit nervous to let go in front of her. But she understood. She loved John too. She hugged me close and cried with me.
Brielle had been preparing a song for our wedding. It's a Taylor Swift song. She has also been wanting to learn the guitar part for it so i have been teaching her a little guitar while i am up here. she has a beautiful voice. it would have been so touching to have her sing at our wedding.

just thinking about our wedding hurts my heart.
sometimes i just sit and stare at the ring on my left hand. i dont ever take it off. EVER.
and honestly, i don't know if i can.
it was john's promise to me.
he promised to love me forever.
to stay by my side for the rest of our lives.
to marry me and be true to me.

and he left me.
he was taken from me.
and now I have a ring. a symbol of what was supposed to be. i have had the ring for 2 months now. i can only imagine how much planning i would have had done by now.
because in the 2 and a half weeks we were engaged i already had a lot figured out and was days away from purchasing my beautiful wedding gown.

i love my ring. i love how john was so proud of it. how he grabbed my hand in the car and marveled at it... he would place it in the sunshine where it sparkled most and would brag "wow, that's a good looking ring." he knew he had done good.
but it wasn't the ring that i was so excited about.
it was what came with it.
a future with john. THE. LOVE. OF. MY. LIFE.
a wedding... a home.. a baby... the things you dream about as a little girl and get to finally fulfill as an adult.
and that there is such a thing as a prince charming.
and i had one.

but now all i have is a ring.