venting.

Here are some things I need to get off my chest right now:

1) schedule conflicts.

I was very spoiled at the beginning of my relationship with Ryan. he had no job and so basically everything revolved around mine and that was that. I got to see him whenever I wasn't working and we had lots and lots of time for each other. Then, once he got jobs... it became a bit more difficult. But we managed... and then summer came. And you think that's when I would have LOTS of time with Ryan but this also hasn't been the case. Because remember I had lost my job? And had to find a part time job just in case? Which happened to be at a really cool place called Blue Man Group. Yeah, cool job... but really NOT GOOD hours. In fact, most of the time our schedules TOTALLY conflict. For instance: Ryan will work a 10am-7pm shift and I will have a 4pm-12am shift. So we won't see each other until almost 1am that night. And although he waits up for me to get home... we go directly to bed when I do. Granted, I only work 3 days a week. But Ryan works about 5 days a week and I do the best I can to make sure we get those days off together.

It's exhausting in the end.

I guess I am ready for my more steady school schedule where I know I will be home at a certain time each day and that I have weekends and holidays off.

The problem is... getting Ryan to have a stable schedule too.

Which doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

2) Anxiety.

My anxiety has been really affecting me lately. It has caused me to leave work TWICE. Once before we started our shift right after I got there and another time WHILE I was working. I radioed for one of my leads and took her in a back room and lost it. Basically, I am a freak and had spoke to Ryan as he was leaving for work and hadn't heard from him since and it had been two hours. This is one of those times when I let my mind wander to a "dark place." (I have mentioned about this before...) and when it does it's like a snowball effect. It is very hard to get myself out of that mindset of "something bad has happened" unless I find a way to fix it. My solution at the time was to just go home.

I remember bawling my eyes out through city walk... passing curious tourists and nosy kids. Who is this weird girl crying at a THEME PARK???

Ryan ended up calling me right as I got to my car.

He had the phone in the other room and had not heard my 1 million attempts to call him.

John had not gotten my text messages or phone calls either.

Because he had died.

And this is why I automatically fear the worst and find myself in panic.

Anxiety is crippling.

It makes you feel like you have no control.

And you really don't.

Sometimes my mind and body go on auto pilot.

It feels awful.

I get numbness in my body... I sweat... my breathing becomes very hard and heavy. My head hurts. It's just very uncomfortable and you just want it to end.

The cure was ryan's phone call.

Although I still cried when I heard his voice.

It was more so a cry of "thank GOD you called me please don't scare me like that again please."

I feel bad Ryan has to put up with me like this.

Why can't he have gotten a more normal girlfriend?

One not exposed to such tragedy ?

One not damaged?

But I am very grateful he DID pick me.

Thank you God again.

3) stupid people.

they surround us daily.

but my patience for them is wearing thin.

mainly for people like ex roommates who still have to pay their part of the rent and say they are going to meet up with me and don't. And then magically do not answer phone calls or texts. It's absolute bullshit.

This will be their last payment and of course they are dragging this out.

I honestly never want to see them again or deal with them again or even talk about them again after this.

But of course, this is a never ending debacle.

We even wrote a CONTRACT and signed it and they are still being irresponsible as ever... and making no possible effort to finish this out.

meanwhile, i could use this money.

the money they owe me anyway!

roommates suck.

i suggest no one ever get one.

unless they are the boyfriend/husband type. then that's ok.

UGH.

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.

fight or flight

fight or flight is a response to stress in animals.

an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.

a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.

a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.

for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.

and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."

Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.

When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.

When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.

Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.

and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.

ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.

I know a big part of this stems from my trauma.

In fact, it may all stem from that.

and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass.

what's gonna happen if one day i flee?

and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?

or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.

i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.

i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs.

Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.

I mean, who the hell deserves this?

I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT.

I can't even consider this a home.

It's where I live.

I am waiting for my home.

at the end of June.

...as you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.

I can't get a break no matter what.

and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.

shitty.

sigh of relief

After 9 months of searching.... and getting let down... and struggling....

I have a roommate.

Her name is Kelley.

She is fantastic and sweet! We have always gotten alone great and I think we both made a great decision to live with each other.

I can already feel the burden being lifted off my shoulders.

Even though for this first month it will get costly (I paid for the movers and we are splitting her breaking her lease)... it will pay off in the end..

Many people are comfortable with living on their own.

With being alone.

I am not one of those.

I like having the company of others. And I am ok with this.

And I guess you might call me dependent. Ok.

maybe.

it's not just about company but also for the sake of not drowning in debt while trying to still get back on my feet after losing John. I still am a bit wobbly. I am still adjusting... I still experience new things everyday.

And can you believe this.... I am STILL getting emails from people that have not heard of John's death. Every once in awhile I get a message or an email from a friend shocked and confused. (welcome to my world.)

I think once I got engaged many people thought that was that and didn't notice the fairy tale came to a close all too soon.

I am going to bed early tonight.

I have been getting awful sleep.

Last night I finally fell asleep at 3am and woke up EVERY HOUR until 7.

I could barely function today. And tomorrow is a Thursday. I loathe.

It's my least favorite part of the week.

I had a dream a couple nights ago.

John and I decided to skip out on an extravagant wedding. I think we knew our time together was short. So, we ran down to this beach. I was in a wedding gown. It was simple. Not quite my taste. John was in khakis, a button down shirt and sneakers. lol. This doesn't surprise me :)

We exchanged vows and rings. I saw John's ring. It was gold. Just like he wanted.

We were married and I was happy. I didn't need a fancy wedding after all. I just needed him. A dream like that is hard to wake up from. I feel like it really happened. Like we had a chance to finally take our vows. in my dream.

it's time for sleep.

more to do tomorrow....

teaching, painting, classing, writing, washing, driving....

Desperately Seeking a Roommate

I am beyond frustrated with how things are going on right now in this new year.
I mean... it's a new year. Isn't something magical supposed to happen?
I looked forward to the new year for a couple reasons... but the main reason? To not live alone. And like most of my plans these days... has fallen through.
The girl who was supposed to move in with me fell through and signed a lease with someone else. Leaving me stranded yet again in a place I can't afford on my own.
Now where do I stand?
I have a few options.... I guess.
I can keep desperately seeking out roommates. This is basically IMPOSSIBLE. I have asked almost everyone in my phone and they are either
1) married
2) living with their significant other
3) too far away
4) alrady have roommates
5) have their own house and a life need not disturbed by me


I mean I get it. I was once in that cozy spot. I was living comfortably with John's parents. Saving money, preparing for our future, planning a wedding an searching for houses. In my mind I had a future laid out in front of me that was clear and so close I could taste. The life I had always dreamed of.
I loved planning things with John.
It was amazing... John had never been quite the planner and I kind of took over that role for him when we first started dating. Eventually he caught on. But there were always times where I was like "John, don't forget tomorrow we are going to that dinner with so and so." John would say "you never told me that." "I am sure I did. It's on the calendar!"
Silly me.
Silly John.

The point here is that my life was better planned out then. It was laid out clear.

I was going to marry John
We were going to get our first house
we were going to stay local to be with his parents when we had our first children
I would eventually return back to school to get my masters

But, I am not going to marry John. I can't afford a house... let alone this apartment I am renting. I don't know where I am going to be settling in my life in the future. I guess it depends on if I find Mr. Rightish. Who knows if I will ever afford to go back to school. I am not in a financial state for that.

My plans were erased. And now I am trying to do the best I can to deal with the life that was suddenly handed to me.
Having no roommate is an issue. Especially since this is the SECOND time I have been bailed on. This is having a huge impact on my trust in people. Trust issues can cause a big problem in future decisions with friends. Will they commit or not? I worry most of the time that people will cancel on me... whether it's to be my roommate or to go see a movie with me. This is just how I have started to function. And you can see why. SO many have already gone back on their word. My close friends barely speak to me. I feel like I have to swallow my words when I mention them and say "oh yea my best friend..." then I pause and I am like... hm.... are they still my best friend? In the midst of finding all these new friends... I am very resistant to let go of the ones I already have. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE ANYONE.
Losing John was traumatic. It's torture.
The last thing I need to have going on is to lose more and more people. And I know that's the last thing John would want. I know that even from heaven he still cares about me and my happiness. It was ALWAYS about my happiness in his eyes. I wonder if he cries in heaven. Do tears even exist there? I can only imagine if God gives him a chance to peak in on me how hurt he would be... to see me in so much struggle and pain. To see me living day to day with anxiety and worry.
How is this all going to work out?

My trust has to be in God.
That's all I can do.
Obviously I can no longer trust in people.
But I can trust in God.
He has a big plan for me. Although I can't imagine what that would be at this point.
The problem is I don't have the patience to wait.

If you were in my shoes how would you handle this?

I have considered many routes. But in the end they aren't even remotely close to what they SHOULD have been. If John were still here I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. His death opened up a lot more than just grief and mourning. It completely pulled the rug out from under my feet and is causing me to grow up faster than ever before. To take control of more situations learn to do things on my own. I hate it. But, I am doing the best I can.
That's my motto "Im doing the best I can." I must say it every day to multiple people.
Because I am.
It's not me just brushing people off.
It's the only way I can explain my process.
Widowhood doesn't come with a"know all handbook." No instruction manual.
Just me with a blank canvas and a good luck pat on the back.


Oh my goodness. What a mess I have found myself in. And I am pretty sure that some decisions I have made do not make it any better./
I guess if it is time to make risky mistakes in my life... now is that time.
I obviously need to figure this new life out and take the most out of it.

Although once again... I was PERFECTLY fine with that life I had before.

(groan)

Yesterday I went and had dinner with Lisa and Jeff.
Lisa is the fiance' of one of John's best friend's, Tim.
Jeff was also one of John's closest friends.
The wedding I spoke of before in December... that is Lisa and Tim's wedding. And John was supposed to be in it. A groomsman. And I would have been his wife by then.
The dinner was nice. We all sat around and chatted about our lives. Jeff is about to go on tour with the Blue Man Group for like 9 months. He will com home for the wedding but other than that he will be on the road for awhile. I plan on seeing one of his shows. (mainly the one that goes to Raleigh although I swear I am going to the one in Hawaii too :)
Lisa is planning her wedding. She is actually have her rehearsal dinner at the place we ate, Bahama Breeze.
I would be in this process with her. I would be ahead of her... because I HAD to have a fall wedding. It was mandatory for me. An Autumn wedding for Autumn. John knew my reason. He thought it was silly at first but honestly he just wanted to please me so went along with it. He went along with most things. He always wanted me to be happy. If it made me happy. It was ok with him.
After dinner I gave some of John's things to Jeff. I have done this with a few of John's friends. It hasn't been hard. I don't mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel sort of good. Because I know that if one of my friend's died I would want that stuff too. Stuff that had meaning. I have been trying to find meaningful stuff to pass on. I gave Jeff some drum sticks, a drum, and John's drum corps/marine corps back pack to take with him on tour. That back pack meant probably the most. John loved it. It was heavy duty too. All my drum corps back packs were torn and ragged by the end of tour but this one always looked in great shape.
After Jeff left sat in my car and cried.
I grabbed the bear that Christina gave me and hugged it and cried. And I cried LOUD. No one could hear me. This is the first LOUD crying I have done in some time now. Because with always having people around I try to maintain my crying as much as possible. Even though I do cry everytime. I try and cry with control. But I can only take so much.
Then I decided to go to the mall. To wait on Andrea and Kelly for a movie. Because we needed one.

This is also part of a "vow" we have made with each other.
We have promised that we will do at least 1 fun thing a day forever. And I think so far we have achieved it. Andrea said we aren't allowed to go to sleep until we do. Sometimes it's playing a game together like Andrea's favorite... Bananagrams. Or sometimes it's swimming, or watching our favorite Tv shows together.. or going out for dinner. Last night was movie date.

And being the punctual women they are (not) we had to go to a later show. So, here I am wandering the mall... and all I can think about is "well, atleast I can get my free piece of Godiva chocolate while I am here!" And of course I find out that it is no longer there. oh great now what?

.... medicine is making me dizzy.....



will continue tomorrow.



p.s. i broke my iphone. again. FML