fragile.

there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...

could this be a job offer?

did i win a million dollars?

is john calling from heaven?

well... usually the first one.

and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news.

it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams.

no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it.

the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!!

luckily, one of us got in.

so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.

but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice.

it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.

i guess i feel owed.

i feel like i deserve a break.

and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.

i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?

but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap.

that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.

last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it.

that's me. broken. put back together poorly.

just fragile.

if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.

doors shutting.

I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well...

and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived.

My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.

First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids...

And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.

I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE.

I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county.

And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit.

And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???

My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune.

I then got angry.

With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal.

I know that money is tough.

I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.

But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while.

A girl who is trying to start a new life.

Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto.

Just me and him.

Starting OUR life. together.

with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?

It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."

but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing.

and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.

I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.

I just pray a big door opens very soon.

and stays open, please.