Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.
and on and on.
and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...
it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.
my job.
my bank account.
my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /
i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.
i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.
my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.
but, we made it through.
i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.
the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.
and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.
and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.
should i take a leap of faith to do something new?
or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.
even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."
it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.
and that is ryan.
the two men of my life.
the men who would never let me down.
and still never will.
even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.
i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.
i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.
one on earth.
and that is what damn good support team.

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