Go away, April.

Are we seriously back in April???

Well that's completely shitty.

And it's the third day of April?

fuck.


I need to find John's cake recipe... in a cook book I threw together in college. It was a great experimentation time for cooking. And I hit a gold mine when I found John's cake recipe.

Ok, I will share.
But it's a secret recipe.
So, let's keep it between us?

http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipe-details.aspx?id=183&name=...day-Cake


In two days it will be John's birthday.
His earth birthday.
The day Sarah Seay brought John Seay to Earth.
Can I ever repay that woman? Or thank her enough? Or clean her gift wrapping closet enough?
To somewhat truly thank her for the best gift of all?
A gift in the beginning which wasn't meant for me... initially. But I got to have in the end.


March was good to me.
Mainly because the end of it was spent away from my J-O-B.
I hate that I have started to think of teaching as a J-O-B.
Isn't being a band director supposed to be fun? I think that's what others see when they hear that's what I do. Banging pots and pans all day and holding hands singing songs.
Playing TV theme songs and movie soundtracks.
Playing instruments for fun.

If only people knew what hard work it really was.

But I teach an elective.
How hard can it be?

So it was a relief to go to Spring Break.
It was a relief to leave behind FL for a little bit and go somewhere else.
We went to Las Vegas to see my sister and let Ryan experience a new place.
We conquered the strip, gambled and won, marveled at the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.
We did it all.
And then we came home.
And then it was back to the grind.

And back to my car....

WHICH SOMEONE BROKE INTO.

Seriously?!
And here's the weird part.
They stole CDs.... (What? WHO does that???) and my phone charger.
Ok, that's replaceable.
My then there was my yellow nano ipod.
Not just any yellow nano ipod.
But one that John gave me for Christmas. He had it engraved and it said "I love you with all my heart."
When I noticed it missing my heart sunk. And I try and remind myself "it's just a thing, Autumn...."  But it's not..... I lost something special....
Well, it was TAKEN from me. (which pisses me off beyond belief and makes me feel completely violated.)

I lost something from John again.


I had just lost my sunglasses from our 3 year anniversary a few months ago and now this ipod.
When I lose something from John I feel like I am losing part of HIM again and again. Like eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
And my memories suck.
still.

Sometimes I will look at my students blankly trying to remember who they are. Because I have forgotten. I have forgotten their name. And it's April.
I am still waiting for my memory to recover. At least up to April 21, 2010. Erasing April 22 would be just fine and the many months to follow... at least until Feb 13, 2011 when I met Ryan.


So March ends and April begins.
A shitty month of nothing but reminders.
John's birthday.
John's deathday.

But as it turns into year two the world forgets about your grief and sorrow. The world has moved on. Frankly, it moved on the next day.
The world.
Not everyone.
Some people moved on quickly.
And some think I may have... because I am dating.
But that's not the case.
There is always such a fine balancing act between my love and affection for Ryan and my constant devotion and love for John.
It's hard to start a relationship when you are grieving. But it has to start eventually.
And you have to learn to grieve a little less often.
But in April I am allowed to grieve.
But my new school might not understand. Because they weren't there.
They may know about it.... but in their mind two years ago was a long time. In my mind I am like "how dare you schedule my formal evaluation conference on John's birthday. Don't you know I need a break that day?"
Of course not.
Because
1) They are heartless. They really couldn't care less
2) They haven't cared about me any other time so why would this day be any different???

Oh, do I sound bitter?
Maybe it's because more and more each day I find out that I work around a really sour bunch of people.
I put on my happy face EVERY DAY for these people and I will seriously get the cold shoulder if I ask any type of favor. I say hello and good morning and make an effort to greet everyone in a kind manner. And yet there are only about 4 people in the whole school who can tell me apart from the chorus teacher.



And I am so focused on all of this....
And I am trying to remember my fiance....
And I am trying to build my future.....

That I think I may just combust.



I HATE APRIL.
SO FUCKING MUCH.

DOWN and UP

So last night I took a fun trip to the ER.
I was throwing up a lot and having severe stomach aches.
I got there at 11pm and left the next morning at 8am.
I got a abdominal CT and bloodwork, etc. and everything came out fine. So, that's good.
But it also doesn't give me a clear answer as to what is going on with my stomach.
My gastritis is NOT getting better.
At one point I thought it might have gone away but obviously that isn't the case. If anything it feels like it is intensifying.
So, back to the GI doctor I go sometime next week. (geesh)
I am just SERIOUSLY ready to feel better. I am tired of being tired. And sick. Im sick of being sick and tired.
I want to feel normal.
I want to throw all my prescriptions out the window and stop giving the doctors all my money.


But thank GOD there is nothing seriously wrong. Just wanting to figure out how to start feeling better. It may require me to totally re-do my diet. I might get rid of everything and start to gradually add things... but where do I start? Do I just start with fruits and veggies? Totally my focus was on liquids (since I was throwing up all day yesterday). (I also had a small salad...) and my stomach is still churning. So. No salad? No smoothie? No decaf tea? What am I doing wrong???

Bah.


Well. That's the DOWN part of the blog.

Now onward to the UP side....

RYAN GOT A JOB!!!
And when I say job I mean one with a salary and benefits.
I mean... a completely big boy job.
So, we found out a couple hours after we got home from the hospital. It was really uplifting to know after being sick for hours. A light at the end of the tunnel.
So, now we can both be working professionals and hopefully get a jump start at the next part of our life together.



Yah!

On my own again.

Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.

As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.

excited.

that I found a job.

that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually.

that it's a well established program.

that's it's a new beginning.

nervous.

because i am on my own again.

i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to.

she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.

but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.

part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands.

And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching.

i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.

the worry and the fear.

it's overwhelming.

i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left.

there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors.

so, i guess it's normal to be scared.

but it's also normal to be excited.

and I guess I'm not so alone.

I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground.

he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across.

it was cute to watch.

i know that this is something he wants to do as well.

And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists.

This will be a good, new start for me.

This will be what I need.

It's going to be fine on my own again.

to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.

but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :)

the seasons of my life

for those of us living... life goes on.

and on and on.

and just as the Bible states... there is a time for everything.

"a season for everything..."

i often wonder what season of my life i am in right now. because honestly my life could fall into so many categories. a fall? after all... my leaves have been falling ... and changing constantly...

it seems most of the leaves of my life have been dying and making their slow drop to the ground below.

john.

my job.

my bank account.

my figure.

or am i in a spring? where things that once were dead and becoming new again?

john died. and i found ryan. /

i lost my job. perhaps a better one is around the corner?

perhaps i am in the in between. in a winter of sorts. where i lost things in my fall (or autumn. ha) and now i am in the waiting zone. waiting for the snow to melt and uncover the greener part of my life.

i am assuming that is where i am.

some good news though.

my atrocious roommates have moved out. although it didn't start out so great.. they basically tried to sneak out on us and not pay the last month's rent. as happy as i was to see them moving out early... there was no way they could just deny me their last month's rent and basically leave me in the dust. how cruel and inconsiderate of a person can you possibly be? thank goodness for amazing, smart people that do their homework. Ryan and Jim were quite a team. Ryan doing his research and Jim being a real estate attorney. i will have my money. just... not exactly when i need it.

figures.

but, we made it through.

i officially put in my LAST month of rent for this hell hole and now am looking forward to moving to our new place next month.

the best part is... we actually live alone now. and it's bliss. absolute bliss. no more stepping on egg shells in my own home. i can leave that to my job. i have a sense of peace when i get home now and i have seen a dramatic improvement in my mood. it was amazing how much these two really got to me emotionally and mentally.

and with that weight off my shoulders i still have much more to carry.

the weight of finding a job worries me.

and it's times when i do not have a job where i wonder... well, maybe i should persue something else? i always feel like i want to do 100 things more in my life than i can handle. i would love to go back to school. i would love to work with animals or psychology. i would love to be an actress or get singing lessons and be on broadway. i would love to work in television or radio. there are just so many things i want to do and only 1 life to try it with.

so. now that i am in this transition period of my life.

should i take a leap of faith to do something new?

or continue my passion to teach?

the light at the end of this tunnel is that i have someone in my corner.

even as i was writing this blog tonight ryan came over and said "baby, im in your corner..."

it almost gives me chills when he says that because that is EXACTLY what john used to say to me all the time and wrote it almost every love letter and card he wrote. it was important for him to let me know he was here for me. it's easy to be overwhelmed by the world and feel like everyone is against you. but what a relief it can be when you realize you actually aren't alone and that you have someone there for you by your side. that will hold your hand through your worst. that will love you through the thick and the thin. through the high tides and the low. and that was john.

and that is ryan.

the two men of my life.

the men who would never let me down.

and still never will.

even though john left me. he would have never chosen to do so on his own.

i still believe very much so that he is in my corner.

i have two wonderful, strong men on my side. one in heaven.

one on earth.

and that is what damn good support team.