Tuesday, July 12, 2011

On my own again.

Today I went to my new school to check out the band room... and the rest of the school. I finally got rid of all the boxes and stuff in my car I have been keeping in their in high hopes it would find another home. It was nice having Ryan there to help me unload everything. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thankful I am to have him in my life. Not just to help me unpack into my new school... but so much more. Someone that wants to help me and take care of me.
As I walked around my new room and placed the boxes down I started to get multiple feelings stirring around inside of me.

that I found a job.
that I am getting a new set of students. a lot of them actually.
that it's a well established program.
that's it's a new beginning.

because i am on my own again.
i will no longer have Nicole to hold on to.
she was perfect at that time in my life. when i needed the support and someone to help me out.
but now that i am back on my own again i feel like i have to relearn to ride a bike.
part of me is terrified... about starting over. about being accepted by students again. about not having a fall back. if something goes wrong it's my neck back on the line. it's all back in my hands.

And to think... it's not like I haven't done this before! I have taken programs that barely existed and tripled their size. I have won thousands of dollars worth of grants. This is my 5th year teaching.
i hate being afraid of EVERYTHING now.
the worry and the fear.
it's overwhelming.

i try to remember what it's like on the first day of school and i can barely remember. maybe because this time last year i was still in some sort of fog. i didn't even finish my year at walker. i had to leave with a month of school left.
there is a lot of responsibility in teaching. a lot more for band directors.
so, i guess it's normal to be scared.
but it's also normal to be excited.

and I guess I'm not so alone.
I have Ryan... and as we moved stuff into the new room today he seemed more excited than me. it was like watching a kid explore a new playground.
he was in and out of all the rooms and touching everything he came across.
it was cute to watch.
i know that this is something he wants to do as well.
And although it was fun to explore the new room.. my mind started reeling with to-do lists.

This will be a good, new start for me.
This will be what I need.
It's going to be fine on my own again.
to make my own decisions. to live out of the shadows of others. to take responsibility. to create my own thing. mold it and make it my own.

but for now... i shall enjoy the rest of my summer :)


Danielle Rylott said...

U will do great! I know this is said a lot but this will make you stronger to not have another band director to lean on. U can do it on ur own, I know it! Love u girl and wish u the best. I would love to try and make one of your concerts this year so give me a heads up and I'll try to come.

Autumn said...

Danielle... you are so sweet! I know this will be good for me. thanks for your encouragement :) i can already tell you the winter concert will be Dec. 12. so, maybe you can make that one?

Anonymous said...

I think this is wonderful! What a great new start to this newest journey you are taking. I know it seems scary but look at all you have gone through in the last year and a half, nothing can be as tough as that and you can already see how there is light at the end of the darkness! I am so excited for you and can't wait to hear about all the new things coming your way...Hugs, Em

Danielle said...

What time? I most likely will be able to because that's my clinical day (the day I'm at the hospital for school) and we get out at 3.

Autumn said...


Danielle said...

Ok I put it on my calendar! Hopefully nothing with school interferes