fragile.

there is something about an unknown number showing up on my cell phone screen that excites me...

could this be a job offer?

did i win a million dollars?

is john calling from heaven?

well... usually the first one.

and lately it's been nothing but disappointment. I literally keep my phone on me at all times. i will stop what i am doing (even teaching) if i notice it's an unknown number... in hopes that someone on the other end has good news for me. but no. no good news.

it starts off the same "how is your day?" REALLY? it WAS good... now go ahead and make it a bad day. just don't ask that question right before you tell me I am going to remain poor. or that you are about to shoot down my hopes and dreams.

no news is good news? well that's pretty much bullshit too. because that means that companies and schools haven't even given me the time of day. so at least when they are rejecting me they put some thought into it.

the crazy part to me is today Universal called and rejected me in the Guest services dept. But Ryan, my fantastic and amazing beau, got in. (we had a group interview together... it was quite odd.) and i have been with the company since 2007!!!!!

luckily, one of us got in.

so... it's Ryan's turn to bring home the bacon.

but his two part time jobs will NOT suffice.

it's not enough for us to live on. comfortably. or even in a surviving manner. we need more money... we need to pay rent, bills, etc. ya know... the stuff so that people can live. as i have mentioned before i feel like i deserve these rights. to live in happiness.

i guess i feel owed.

i feel like i deserve a break.

and i shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way.

i realize i have been crying a lot lately. every day for quite awhile now. i can't remember my last cry-less day. in fact, it makes me feel bad for ryan. he sees this crying girl everyday with a slew of problems. i feel like i am whining. i feel like a complainer. how long do i get to use the excuse of losing john? it's just that i feel like there's this domino effect and i can't stop the tiles from falling.... something will eventually have to give, right? i can't have this misfortune forever?? i was listening to "firework" today by katy perry ( i know, real cliche) and the lyric "maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is so you could open one that leads you down the perfect road." it gave me a bit of hope. a bit on inspiration. because really what if that is the case.... that God is going to open a bigger door for me?

but i understand that it's not gonna just fall into my lap.

that i have to work for it.... it's just that i don't feel like big things are going to happen for me when i can't accomplish anything even close to big. i don't have a degree for something big. i don't have the background or knowledge. i don't have money. how can big things happen for me? i don't even buy lottery tickets. big things can only happen when you go after them. and i need to go after something.

last night i watched a montage of pictures of john that his sister put together. i hadn't watched the video for awhile. but, last night i took time. i sat in the bed. macbook in lap. ryan to my side with his macbook in lap (don't worry. mine belongs to the school. boy, im gonna miss it.) and i watched. the stream of tears instantly hit me. i held in every single sob that i could to keep ryan from hearing. i honestly try to hold back my crying when Ryan is around... but i can't help my feelings. i just want him to think i am more put together than i really am. it's like i was broken into a million pieces and someone put me back together with that paste/glue we used in kindergarten. it doesn't work at all. it barely can glue pieces of paper together. and yes, i did try and taste it.

that's me. broken. put back together poorly.

just fragile.

if i am not careful... i just may shatter again.

doors shutting.

I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks not. Unintentionally. At first... it was for a good reason. I was busy with life. very busy. With Ryan and work and friends. All seemed to be going well...

and then this past week... the day I had been dreading arrived.

My principal called me into her office and gave me the news that I would not be returning to my school next year to teach. of course, this hit me hard. And I became quite sad. and then mad.

First off, I love my job. and i loved my new school. I get misty eyed just thinking about leaving these kids...

And then there's the fact that I have not been able to keep a stable job for more than two years. This was my 3rd school in 4 years. RIDICULOUS.

I have never had a chance to watch my babies (6th graders) go through their whole three years and watch them move on to high school. I have never had a program cycle through that I can say was completely MINE.

I also have not obtained tenure due to the fact that I was once in another county.

And let me mention the worst part.... the school that I am at now TOOK ME AWAY from the school that I was once at. they ASKED me to come over. And at the time it was a great idea. I needed change and a fresh start. I needed new. I was weak an vulnerable. I was on the verge of quitting teaching because I couldn't handle the routine that reminded me of my life with John. Going to OMS refreshed my teaching spirit.

And yet, was this even a thought process when the decision to not hire me again was made???

My associate even told me she would fight for me. Yet, when the day came... I saw no fight. Instead she cried. And I went home to sulk for the day on my once again unlucky fortune.

I then got angry.

With all the shit I have been through how can someone honestly take away my job? My income? my safe haven? The place that helped rescue me from my darkness? I don't know if people truly think through the impact that have on others when they make these very serious decisions. or maybe they do. and they have to go to sleep at night with that burden on their shoulders. which is reason #1,503 why I could NEVER be a principal.

I know that money is tough.

I know that 2 band directors is where cuts can be made when the budget is slim.

But honestly, you just let go a girl who hasn't had a stable life in quite a while.

A girl who is trying to start a new life.

Ryan and I are moving into a place together. On our own. (thank god) no roommates. no stupid annoying neighborhood. No more ghetto.

Just me and him.

Starting OUR life. together.

with no job in the picture for me and a part time job for him... HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?

It's been causing me restless nights and extreme tension. I know the phrase "when one door closes... another one opens..."

but for me I feel like I have had way more doors opening then closing.

and how frequent will doors be closing in my life.

I can't help but see nothing but one door after another opening in other people's lives. And I am struggling day to day.

I just pray a big door opens very soon.

and stays open, please.

exhaustion

This moment has come at an unexpected time.
I thought this would be happening more towards the beginning of the grief. Where I wrap myself up in blankets and shut out the world. Where I escape to solitude and sleep through my pain. But that didn't happen before... until now.
The months right after John's death I had a very hard time sleeping. I relied on heavy medication and the comfort of others in order to get sleep. I would wake up in the night sometimes after vivid dreams... sometimes worried to sleep again and go back to them. Sleep was inconsistent.
And now it's like all of a sudden my body wants the sleep that it missed over the past 8 and a half months. And it won't take no for an answer. I have found myself sleeping ALL THE TIME NOW. Even when I got my hair done two days ago... as she was foiling I closed my eyes and started to sleep... next thing you know my head bobs up and down and I get that startled feeling. It was completely embarrassing. And it happened multiple times. The girl was real understanding though. I have fallen asleep in my office at school while on the computer... one minute I am checking email and the next I have a pattern etched into my forehead resembling a keyboard. When I get home from work there is nothing I think about more than cuddling in my cozy bed and just sleeping. I guess it doesn't help that I recently got a new AMAZING duvet for Christmas as well as 1200 thread county egyptian cotton sheets! Oh, and my two new memory foam pillows.
I mean once my head hits that pillow it is almost completely impossible to get up.

Grieving is EXHAUSTING.
I don't think many people get that. I know I must look and sound lazy. But that's not me. I am just completely worn out from grief and stress. The stress of finding a roommate and looking for a new place to live. The stress of trying to achieve weight loss. The grief of losing my soul mate. The grief of learning to live alone. The stress of trying to stay connected with friends and family.
Grief is a chore. It's a job. And the sad part is... there is no taking a vacation from it.

Tomorrow is a long day... filled with errands, packing, doggie drop offs, etc. I am going to FMEA again this year.
But this year will be different.
This will be me going to FMEA as a widow.
I will see people that have not spoken to me since John's death.
Will they bring him up? Will they choose to ignore it?
How will people react to the fact I still wear my engagement ring?
There may be some faces I don't want to see. Or things that will hurt to see. Newly engaged friends... newly pregnant friends... happy couples...
And then there's me. The girl everyone gets to say "I am so glad I am not her" about.
I would feel the same way.
I am THAT girl.
The one people whisper about secretly. The one they monitor with curiosity.
I am very aware of this.. because I know it is how I would react.

I honestly am not a whole lot interested in th conference this year. I hate dressing up for it. I hate wearing high heels all day. I just want to go in with a comfy pair of jeans and nice top and flip flops. I don't want to stress about making a fashion statement.
ugh.
I just don't care so much.
I guess I rather take naps.