Monday, January 10, 2011

exhaustion

This moment has come at an unexpected time.
I thought this would be happening more towards the beginning of the grief. Where I wrap myself up in blankets and shut out the world. Where I escape to solitude and sleep through my pain. But that didn't happen before... until now.
The months right after John's death I had a very hard time sleeping. I relied on heavy medication and the comfort of others in order to get sleep. I would wake up in the night sometimes after vivid dreams... sometimes worried to sleep again and go back to them. Sleep was inconsistent.
And now it's like all of a sudden my body wants the sleep that it missed over the past 8 and a half months. And it won't take no for an answer. I have found myself sleeping ALL THE TIME NOW. Even when I got my hair done two days ago... as she was foiling I closed my eyes and started to sleep... next thing you know my head bobs up and down and I get that startled feeling. It was completely embarrassing. And it happened multiple times. The girl was real understanding though. I have fallen asleep in my office at school while on the computer... one minute I am checking email and the next I have a pattern etched into my forehead resembling a keyboard. When I get home from work there is nothing I think about more than cuddling in my cozy bed and just sleeping. I guess it doesn't help that I recently got a new AMAZING duvet for Christmas as well as 1200 thread county egyptian cotton sheets! Oh, and my two new memory foam pillows.
I mean once my head hits that pillow it is almost completely impossible to get up.

Grieving is EXHAUSTING.
I don't think many people get that. I know I must look and sound lazy. But that's not me. I am just completely worn out from grief and stress. The stress of finding a roommate and looking for a new place to live. The stress of trying to achieve weight loss. The grief of losing my soul mate. The grief of learning to live alone. The stress of trying to stay connected with friends and family.
Grief is a chore. It's a job. And the sad part is... there is no taking a vacation from it.

Tomorrow is a long day... filled with errands, packing, doggie drop offs, etc. I am going to FMEA again this year.
But this year will be different.
This will be me going to FMEA as a widow.
I will see people that have not spoken to me since John's death.
Will they bring him up? Will they choose to ignore it?
How will people react to the fact I still wear my engagement ring?
There may be some faces I don't want to see. Or things that will hurt to see. Newly engaged friends... newly pregnant friends... happy couples...
And then there's me. The girl everyone gets to say "I am so glad I am not her" about.
I would feel the same way.
I am THAT girl.
The one people whisper about secretly. The one they monitor with curiosity.
I am very aware of this.. because I know it is how I would react.

I honestly am not a whole lot interested in th conference this year. I hate dressing up for it. I hate wearing high heels all day. I just want to go in with a comfy pair of jeans and nice top and flip flops. I don't want to stress about making a fashion statement.
ugh.
I just don't care so much.
I guess I rather take naps.

1 comment:

Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

I am with you on that one. Dressing up is too much work. Grieving itself is enough work. Do what you need to do, sweetie.

((((HUGS))))