I am beyond frustrated with how things are going on right now in this new year.
I mean... it's a new year. Isn't something magical supposed to happen?
I looked forward to the new year for a couple reasons... but the main reason? To not live alone. And like most of my plans these days... has fallen through.
The girl who was supposed to move in with me fell through and signed a lease with someone else. Leaving me stranded yet again in a place I can't afford on my own.
Now where do I stand?
I have a few options.... I guess.
I can keep desperately seeking out roommates. This is basically IMPOSSIBLE. I have asked almost everyone in my phone and they are either
2) living with their significant other
3) too far away
4) alrady have roommates
5) have their own house and a life need not disturbed by me
I mean I get it. I was once in that cozy spot. I was living comfortably with John's parents. Saving money, preparing for our future, planning a wedding an searching for houses. In my mind I had a future laid out in front of me that was clear and so close I could taste. The life I had always dreamed of.
I loved planning things with John.
It was amazing... John had never been quite the planner and I kind of took over that role for him when we first started dating. Eventually he caught on. But there were always times where I was like "John, don't forget tomorrow we are going to that dinner with so and so." John would say "you never told me that." "I am sure I did. It's on the calendar!"
The point here is that my life was better planned out then. It was laid out clear.
I was going to marry John
We were going to get our first house
we were going to stay local to be with his parents when we had our first children
I would eventually return back to school to get my masters
But, I am not going to marry John. I can't afford a house... let alone this apartment I am renting. I don't know where I am going to be settling in my life in the future. I guess it depends on if I find Mr. Rightish. Who knows if I will ever afford to go back to school. I am not in a financial state for that.
My plans were erased. And now I am trying to do the best I can to deal with the life that was suddenly handed to me.
Having no roommate is an issue. Especially since this is the SECOND time I have been bailed on. This is having a huge impact on my trust in people. Trust issues can cause a big problem in future decisions with friends. Will they commit or not? I worry most of the time that people will cancel on me... whether it's to be my roommate or to go see a movie with me. This is just how I have started to function. And you can see why. SO many have already gone back on their word. My close friends barely speak to me. I feel like I have to swallow my words when I mention them and say "oh yea my best friend..." then I pause and I am like... hm.... are they still my best friend? In the midst of finding all these new friends... I am very resistant to let go of the ones I already have. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE ANYONE.
Losing John was traumatic. It's torture.
The last thing I need to have going on is to lose more and more people. And I know that's the last thing John would want. I know that even from heaven he still cares about me and my happiness. It was ALWAYS about my happiness in his eyes. I wonder if he cries in heaven. Do tears even exist there? I can only imagine if God gives him a chance to peak in on me how hurt he would be... to see me in so much struggle and pain. To see me living day to day with anxiety and worry.
How is this all going to work out?
My trust has to be in God.
That's all I can do.
Obviously I can no longer trust in people.
But I can trust in God.
He has a big plan for me. Although I can't imagine what that would be at this point.
The problem is I don't have the patience to wait.
If you were in my shoes how would you handle this?
I have considered many routes. But in the end they aren't even remotely close to what they SHOULD have been. If John were still here I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. His death opened up a lot more than just grief and mourning. It completely pulled the rug out from under my feet and is causing me to grow up faster than ever before. To take control of more situations learn to do things on my own. I hate it. But, I am doing the best I can.
That's my motto "Im doing the best I can." I must say it every day to multiple people.
Because I am.
It's not me just brushing people off.
It's the only way I can explain my process.
Widowhood doesn't come with a"know all handbook." No instruction manual.
Just me with a blank canvas and a good luck pat on the back.
Oh my goodness. What a mess I have found myself in. And I am pretty sure that some decisions I have made do not make it any better./
I guess if it is time to make risky mistakes in my life... now is that time.
I obviously need to figure this new life out and take the most out of it.
Although once again... I was PERFECTLY fine with that life I had before.