Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Here are some things I need to get off my chest right now:

1) schedule conflicts.
I was very spoiled at the beginning of my relationship with Ryan. he had no job and so basically everything revolved around mine and that was that. I got to see him whenever I wasn't working and we had lots and lots of time for each other. Then, once he got jobs... it became a bit more difficult. But we managed... and then summer came. And you think that's when I would have LOTS of time with Ryan but this also hasn't been the case. Because remember I had lost my job? And had to find a part time job just in case? Which happened to be at a really cool place called Blue Man Group. Yeah, cool job... but really NOT GOOD hours. In fact, most of the time our schedules TOTALLY conflict. For instance: Ryan will work a 10am-7pm shift and I will have a 4pm-12am shift. So we won't see each other until almost 1am that night. And although he waits up for me to get home... we go directly to bed when I do. Granted, I only work 3 days a week. But Ryan works about 5 days a week and I do the best I can to make sure we get those days off together.
It's exhausting in the end.
I guess I am ready for my more steady school schedule where I know I will be home at a certain time each day and that I have weekends and holidays off.
The problem is... getting Ryan to have a stable schedule too.
Which doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

2) Anxiety.
My anxiety has been really affecting me lately. It has caused me to leave work TWICE. Once before we started our shift right after I got there and another time WHILE I was working. I radioed for one of my leads and took her in a back room and lost it. Basically, I am a freak and had spoke to Ryan as he was leaving for work and hadn't heard from him since and it had been two hours. This is one of those times when I let my mind wander to a "dark place." (I have mentioned about this before...) and when it does it's like a snowball effect. It is very hard to get myself out of that mindset of "something bad has happened" unless I find a way to fix it. My solution at the time was to just go home.
I remember bawling my eyes out through city walk... passing curious tourists and nosy kids. Who is this weird girl crying at a THEME PARK???
Ryan ended up calling me right as I got to my car.
He had the phone in the other room and had not heard my 1 million attempts to call him.

John had not gotten my text messages or phone calls either.
Because he had died.
And this is why I automatically fear the worst and find myself in panic.

Anxiety is crippling.
It makes you feel like you have no control.
And you really don't.
Sometimes my mind and body go on auto pilot.
It feels awful.
I get numbness in my body... I sweat... my breathing becomes very hard and heavy. My head hurts. It's just very uncomfortable and you just want it to end.
The cure was ryan's phone call.
Although I still cried when I heard his voice.
It was more so a cry of "thank GOD you called me please don't scare me like that again please."

I feel bad Ryan has to put up with me like this.
Why can't he have gotten a more normal girlfriend?
One not exposed to such tragedy ?
One not damaged?

But I am very grateful he DID pick me.
Thank you God again.

3) stupid people.
they surround us daily.
but my patience for them is wearing thin.
mainly for people like ex roommates who still have to pay their part of the rent and say they are going to meet up with me and don't. And then magically do not answer phone calls or texts. It's absolute bullshit.
This will be their last payment and of course they are dragging this out.
I honestly never want to see them again or deal with them again or even talk about them again after this.
But of course, this is a never ending debacle.
We even wrote a CONTRACT and signed it and they are still being irresponsible as ever... and making no possible effort to finish this out.
meanwhile, i could use this money.
the money they owe me anyway!
roommates suck.
i suggest no one ever get one.

unless they are the boyfriend/husband type. then that's ok.


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