STRESSED OUT.

This week is stressful.

I am trying the best I can to prepare.

Tomorrow is my winter band concert with my kids.
if you know me, I tend to stress about these things. I did a small concert earlier this Fall... but this one is with ALL the kids and in the high school performing arts center. It's been really tough this year on my own. As much as I appreciate being independent again I really wish I could share the load with someone else. 300 kids is just too much.
Way too much to do by myself.

And then the emails...

I have never gotten so many depressing emails.
Parents pissed off constantly because NOTHING can ever make anyone happy and it's ALWAYS the teacher's fault.
I even got called into my principal's office once because I was "sending too many emails." That's right. I was being too helpful. Sending too much communication. are. you. fucking. kidding. me?
All of sudden this evening I am getting emails from parents complaining they can't take their kids to the concert, their child magically got sick over the weekend, etc. etc. Of course the day before.
Because no one thinks ahead of time.

It's hard on a person's soul.
to be beaten down day in and day out.
to be told you ask too much of children.
to be yelled at for things that are not your fault.
instruments missing in the inventory that i had no idea about and when i asked the director before me to give me a copy of the inventory he said "he lost it." and then all of a sudden  comes up with it when confronted by my asst. principal?
it just isn't fair.
the selfishness of others.
to be responsible for other's actions.
your child doesn't turn in their assignments and it's MY fault that I didn't contact you??
Your student has a long day with a rehearsal in one class in a performance in another? have you ever considered the long day that IIIIIIiiiii am having? When your child goes home I will still be at the school putting away instruments, cleaning up, etc.
JUST. STOP.

Someone please just recognize me for my hard work.
Someone please send a NICE email saying "thank you for taking time you DO NOT GET PAID FOR to work with our kids after school."
Thank you for the emails and reminders.
Thank you for using a lot of your own money towards our children.
thank you for letting our students turn in assignments late with no penalties.

After all, i have had enough bullshit in my life. I don't need this in addition.



And the next part...

on Tuesday I have a hearing.
Because over the summer I filed for unemployment after I was let go from Ocoee. But since I was let go because of budget they apparently extend my job until August (even though i do not get paid... if not for my deferment). So, I guess I wasn't even allowed to sign up for unemployment. But I was urged to  by others....
and I did it.
Because I was sad.
And desperate.
And apparently oblivious to the rules.
And then a couple weeks ago I got a bill in the mail saying I owe the government $1400.
of course in my mind i thought it was their wrong.

and on tuesday i have to go through a stressful and embarrassing hearing making me feel like some type of criminal.
i am a decent, honest person that was honestly seeking help in a time of need.

MEANWHILE... millions live off our government and have NO intentions of getting off their ass and getting a job. popping out babies right and left...


I just want this to be OVER.
I want Monday and Tuesday to be OVER.

I want to go my concert and hopefully get some POSITIVE feedback.
I want to get this inventory over with on Tuesday and hopfully find these magically missing instruments.
I want to get the hearing done with and get a blessing from God to get the debts erased.
If not, i really hope they take payment plans.
Because I can honestly say I have not a single penny in my name right now and getting more and more in debt only makes me feel like i am falling deeper and deeper into depression.



Where is that holiday cheer that's supposed to be spreading around?


Isn't this the most magical time of the year?


Santa... please send me a winning lotto ticket.

venting.

Here are some things I need to get off my chest right now:

1) schedule conflicts.

I was very spoiled at the beginning of my relationship with Ryan. he had no job and so basically everything revolved around mine and that was that. I got to see him whenever I wasn't working and we had lots and lots of time for each other. Then, once he got jobs... it became a bit more difficult. But we managed... and then summer came. And you think that's when I would have LOTS of time with Ryan but this also hasn't been the case. Because remember I had lost my job? And had to find a part time job just in case? Which happened to be at a really cool place called Blue Man Group. Yeah, cool job... but really NOT GOOD hours. In fact, most of the time our schedules TOTALLY conflict. For instance: Ryan will work a 10am-7pm shift and I will have a 4pm-12am shift. So we won't see each other until almost 1am that night. And although he waits up for me to get home... we go directly to bed when I do. Granted, I only work 3 days a week. But Ryan works about 5 days a week and I do the best I can to make sure we get those days off together.

It's exhausting in the end.

I guess I am ready for my more steady school schedule where I know I will be home at a certain time each day and that I have weekends and holidays off.

The problem is... getting Ryan to have a stable schedule too.

Which doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

2) Anxiety.

My anxiety has been really affecting me lately. It has caused me to leave work TWICE. Once before we started our shift right after I got there and another time WHILE I was working. I radioed for one of my leads and took her in a back room and lost it. Basically, I am a freak and had spoke to Ryan as he was leaving for work and hadn't heard from him since and it had been two hours. This is one of those times when I let my mind wander to a "dark place." (I have mentioned about this before...) and when it does it's like a snowball effect. It is very hard to get myself out of that mindset of "something bad has happened" unless I find a way to fix it. My solution at the time was to just go home.

I remember bawling my eyes out through city walk... passing curious tourists and nosy kids. Who is this weird girl crying at a THEME PARK???

Ryan ended up calling me right as I got to my car.

He had the phone in the other room and had not heard my 1 million attempts to call him.

John had not gotten my text messages or phone calls either.

Because he had died.

And this is why I automatically fear the worst and find myself in panic.

Anxiety is crippling.

It makes you feel like you have no control.

And you really don't.

Sometimes my mind and body go on auto pilot.

It feels awful.

I get numbness in my body... I sweat... my breathing becomes very hard and heavy. My head hurts. It's just very uncomfortable and you just want it to end.

The cure was ryan's phone call.

Although I still cried when I heard his voice.

It was more so a cry of "thank GOD you called me please don't scare me like that again please."

I feel bad Ryan has to put up with me like this.

Why can't he have gotten a more normal girlfriend?

One not exposed to such tragedy ?

One not damaged?

But I am very grateful he DID pick me.

Thank you God again.

3) stupid people.

they surround us daily.

but my patience for them is wearing thin.

mainly for people like ex roommates who still have to pay their part of the rent and say they are going to meet up with me and don't. And then magically do not answer phone calls or texts. It's absolute bullshit.

This will be their last payment and of course they are dragging this out.

I honestly never want to see them again or deal with them again or even talk about them again after this.

But of course, this is a never ending debacle.

We even wrote a CONTRACT and signed it and they are still being irresponsible as ever... and making no possible effort to finish this out.

meanwhile, i could use this money.

the money they owe me anyway!

roommates suck.

i suggest no one ever get one.

unless they are the boyfriend/husband type. then that's ok.

UGH.

root of evil

first of all let me start by saying that money is the root of all evil. it has brought nothing my strife in my life since john passed away. we had it so figured out then. living with his parents... saving up money... successful in our jobs and content ( well, he was a bit less content). but now it's come down to me draining my savings account to zero... and calling relatives and asking for money. something i havent had to do since asking to be sponsored to march drum corps. it's embarassing. it makes you feel irresponsible. and maybe i was during my first couple months. i bought things that gave me instant happiness. a movie. a shirt. a video game. a puppy. a painting. instant happiness is how i held on to my sanity these past few months. but i may have moved on to a new stage. it's called the survival stage. the stage where i just try and live to day to day. and some have been like "wow. you have done so well. you are so strong... i couldn't do it."
You never know how you will react to it until it happens to you. But it's pretty much like hell. everyday is filled with discomfort of some sort. of memories and flashbacks. oh loniless and also of agoraphobia. I never want to be lonely... but too many people get to me. parties can be hard on me. i am still scared about the decemer wedding for John's best friend tim.
John and I were such a a great team. I lost my team mate. it's a tough recovery. i want to post the story soon. the one i have been dreading, but that i want to share.. and get off my chest. I think it needs to be said. for memories sake., for the same that it haunts my mind everyday and writing it out will help me to forgot but remember.

there is something so soothing about hot mint team with cream before going to bed that is so soothing. and lunesta. i guess that helps too. I just want to sleep and not stress about all this stuff piled on top of the reality. the reality is that i am going to have to be independent once again. i have to take control of my life and start over. not a new chapter. a new book. John's death was the final chapter of our beautiful love story. Of how our lives transformed each other's. It's a sad story. but one of love and having love that can last forever and overcome it all. it's all about true love.

goodnight