STRESSED OUT.

This week is stressful.

I am trying the best I can to prepare.

Tomorrow is my winter band concert with my kids.
if you know me, I tend to stress about these things. I did a small concert earlier this Fall... but this one is with ALL the kids and in the high school performing arts center. It's been really tough this year on my own. As much as I appreciate being independent again I really wish I could share the load with someone else. 300 kids is just too much.
Way too much to do by myself.

And then the emails...

I have never gotten so many depressing emails.
Parents pissed off constantly because NOTHING can ever make anyone happy and it's ALWAYS the teacher's fault.
I even got called into my principal's office once because I was "sending too many emails." That's right. I was being too helpful. Sending too much communication. are. you. fucking. kidding. me?
All of sudden this evening I am getting emails from parents complaining they can't take their kids to the concert, their child magically got sick over the weekend, etc. etc. Of course the day before.
Because no one thinks ahead of time.

It's hard on a person's soul.
to be beaten down day in and day out.
to be told you ask too much of children.
to be yelled at for things that are not your fault.
instruments missing in the inventory that i had no idea about and when i asked the director before me to give me a copy of the inventory he said "he lost it." and then all of a sudden  comes up with it when confronted by my asst. principal?
it just isn't fair.
the selfishness of others.
to be responsible for other's actions.
your child doesn't turn in their assignments and it's MY fault that I didn't contact you??
Your student has a long day with a rehearsal in one class in a performance in another? have you ever considered the long day that IIIIIIiiiii am having? When your child goes home I will still be at the school putting away instruments, cleaning up, etc.
JUST. STOP.

Someone please just recognize me for my hard work.
Someone please send a NICE email saying "thank you for taking time you DO NOT GET PAID FOR to work with our kids after school."
Thank you for the emails and reminders.
Thank you for using a lot of your own money towards our children.
thank you for letting our students turn in assignments late with no penalties.

After all, i have had enough bullshit in my life. I don't need this in addition.



And the next part...

on Tuesday I have a hearing.
Because over the summer I filed for unemployment after I was let go from Ocoee. But since I was let go because of budget they apparently extend my job until August (even though i do not get paid... if not for my deferment). So, I guess I wasn't even allowed to sign up for unemployment. But I was urged to  by others....
and I did it.
Because I was sad.
And desperate.
And apparently oblivious to the rules.
And then a couple weeks ago I got a bill in the mail saying I owe the government $1400.
of course in my mind i thought it was their wrong.

and on tuesday i have to go through a stressful and embarrassing hearing making me feel like some type of criminal.
i am a decent, honest person that was honestly seeking help in a time of need.

MEANWHILE... millions live off our government and have NO intentions of getting off their ass and getting a job. popping out babies right and left...


I just want this to be OVER.
I want Monday and Tuesday to be OVER.

I want to go my concert and hopefully get some POSITIVE feedback.
I want to get this inventory over with on Tuesday and hopfully find these magically missing instruments.
I want to get the hearing done with and get a blessing from God to get the debts erased.
If not, i really hope they take payment plans.
Because I can honestly say I have not a single penny in my name right now and getting more and more in debt only makes me feel like i am falling deeper and deeper into depression.



Where is that holiday cheer that's supposed to be spreading around?


Isn't this the most magical time of the year?


Santa... please send me a winning lotto ticket.

wardrobe malfunction

How come my life hasn't been turned into a movie yet?
Sometimes I can't believe the things that happen to me....
although if it were a movie I wouldn't know what genre it should be placed it. It was a romance turned tragedy with always a hint of comedy. It's drama and sometimes a little action.
But I can't make this shit up. It happens to me.

Last night was my concert with my kids. I was excited! The kids have been working so hard and I was ready to be recognized at OMS for the people that still don't know I exist. Nicole and I have so much fun together that a concert is just another fun thing to do. (except the rehearsal and setting it up and tearing it down part). I brought two dresses to the concert and asked Nicole which one I should wear. She pointed to the one I secretly wanted her to say. "Good choice!" The dress was form fitting, really cute. Although I am not a fan of my body it did a great job of exposing my good aspects and covering the bad ones. I actually felt cute. Which doesn't happen often. I had cute high heels on and fresh make up. I was ready to go. The concert started and it went really smooth.. the beginners had their first and were great. Then the older students went on... concert band... symphonic band (my band) and then wind ensemble. I was part of the program for wind ensemble... performing a solo... and guess what it was. "I dreamed a dream." I wrote about this song in May after my last concert at Walker Middle when I had my kids perform this and my chorus teacher sing. When I arrived at OMS Nicole had found the score in my box of stuff and was determined to play it with her kids. And then made the decision to have me by the soloist on horn. And then later on decided to dedicate it to John. So, to say this was a pretty serious/emotional thing is about right.
So... the students are playing "Winter Wonderland" on the stage and this is when I need to go backstage and get ready for my solo. I walk up the stairs to the side of the stage and feel a slight "breeze" down my side. I felt my side and felt... skin. I looked down and I was completely exposed!!! My dress zipper had broken and unzipped from under my armpit down to my waist. I started to get in a major panic mode! I had exactly 2 minutes to figure out what to do. I played with the zipper but it was a waste of time. It was broken. So, I started thinking in a MacGyver mindset on ways I could quickly fix my predicament! Yes, yes. All I needed was a paperclip, a match and a cotton ball and "voila!" A new dress!
Of course I couldn't come up with anything in those minutes of desperation. I couldn't go to my car to grab my other dress... I was supposed to go on next and Nicole would freak out if I just left. So I start to give her a "omg" stare and hope that she sees me off to the side. She does. And she gives the "what's going on back there?" look. We can speak in facial expressions. Me and Nicole. It's a gift we have.
She's conductiong. Helpless. What can she do for me?
So, the song ends... it's my turn to come out and I am beckoning for her to come backstage.
She turns to the audience and stalls and runs back stage. I show her the situation. We both are blank. What do you do? Nicole was like "well it's on your left side... no one in the audience will see." I give her a confused look. "Oh yea. The kids." Yes. The kids. I don't want them to see my exposed left side. So, finally I yell "a coat a coat!" Nicole goes out into the audience and asks for a woman's black coat. The lady gives it to her and I put it on. It actually went with the dress in the end.
I had 20 seconds to compose myself.
I went on to the stage... still quite flustered and completely embarrassed. Part of me wanted to cry and the other part of me was laughing. I find situations like this slightly amusing these days. As I walk on the stage I told Nicole "I know John had something to do with this..."

Because I think the seriousness of the song might have gotten to me.
And what would help get my mind off of that?
My dress falling apart of course.

I played my solo. It was ok.
But the coat was sooooooooo hot and the stage lights were beaming down on me like a summer day. I was sweating. Beads of sweat dripping down my powdered face. The students thought I was crying. Nope. Just pure sweat. And I don't sweat. So what's going on here? I finish the solo and the audience applauds. No one knows what just has happened. Well, some did. Most were cluelesss.
As I exit the stage and go in the back again I try and fool with the dress again. I was DETERMINED to fix it. So I mess with the zipper and... RIP!!!! I broke it even more and now it's ripped all the way down to my hip. The dress is basically off of me. I have to be out for the next song to conduct. Crap!!!
I grab my keys and run to my car... with no shoes on and holding my dress together in the process. I am out of shape and out of breath. I open my car and there is no time or room for me to change in there. So, I strip down to my bra and underwear in the middle of the parking lot. It's 40 degrees. I prayed there were no students or sexual predators around.
I slip on the other dress quickly and run back inside.
I made it in time for the next song... and the rest of the night went fine.

Some people came up to me after the concert to ask me about what happened and others just said "great solo." IF ONLY THEY KNEW.
John's dad walked up to me with a grin "ok, what did John do to your dress?"
And this is why we are such a good pair. It's because we share a brain.
I smiled. Then cried.

I composed myself again and said my thank yous to everyone.
I got in my car and drove back to the middle school to unload. I put the car in park and lost it.
I cried and cried. Because it finally caught up to me. Even a dress malfunction couldn't hide the fact that John wasn't there tonight to give me a bouquet of flowers and have an after concert dinner with me. He wasn't there for me to recognize in the audience or help me set up the percussion equiptment. He wasn't there. And he missed out on a good concert. And a good laugh. But maybe he got a chance to peak in.
Maybe he was there all along.

I dreamed a dream

Tonight was my first concert without John.
There will start being a lot of firsts without him.
I have them everyday.

As much as I try and avoid the firsts... they come. Sometimes they come and I don't realize it until it's already happening.
Like when I went and ate at our favorite Thai restaurant without him.
I was with my friend Rosie and in the middle of it.. I thought about it. How he will never be able to get the food "firehouse" hot and they would bring him out a glass of milk afterwards. Watching him wipe sweat from his forehead as he ate. Yes, he would sweat. But then again.. he would sweat a lot. Doing even the simple things.
I remember John telling me once that him and Tim (his best friend) would sit and eat spicy food and would watch to see who would start sweating first. That's my guy. Sweaty and all. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I'll take it.

So, the concert... actually went well. As well as it could. Of course, as much as it stresses me out.. nothing in life seems as dramatic anymore. Yes, a clarinet broke in the middle of a piece and yes, kids forgot stuff and came up to me with the most random questions... but, I handled it quite well and had a lot of other people around to help me too. I have quite the support system. I wouldn't know what to do without them. They are my rock.
So, my kids played I dreamed a dream from Les Mis.
I picked it out quite some time ago because I knew they could do it... it's a grade 3... but it's not bad. And John's dad LOVES this song. I was originally doing it for him. Because he comes to almost all my concerts.
In the end the song became heart breaking.
The lyrics, the melody, the expression... I almost didn't make it through. I cried and cried. Im surprised the kids made it through. I remember if my band director cried during a song I would LOSE it. Jen sang it beautifully. It was just beautiful. And I was proud of my kids.
I know John would be proud too.
I know he was there.
At least that's everyone says.
I mean I believe he was... he had to be.
But, he should have been there to hug me afterwards and go to dinner with all of us.
And to hold me that night when I was happy and relieved and carefree. The day after a concert is like no other. You feel like a free man/woman. No more worries, no more stress... it's all easy street from here. especially a spring concert. Because that means school is almost over and really life is simple for the next couple weeks.

But. My concert is over. Now what?
I am back to that feeling lost thing.





I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.