it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.


I am just ready for something to go my way.
A LOT.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.



"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"




(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

jury duty.

i guess i was a little deceived by the red font on the paper.
JURY DUTY sounded pretty fancy.
I was doing my civic duty.
I was excused from work today to go to a courthouse and serve justice.


But this morning I woke up late.
Instead of packing the lunch I wanted to... or eating my healthy breakfast... I ran out the door with no make up, a protein shake, and not enough clothes!!
A sweater, light scarf, jeans and flats was not gonna do it. But in my mind I am thinking "oh, but I will be inside all day... it's fine."

Then I showed up to this:

This was the line outside the courthouse for security. I was in it for almost 45 minutes!!! 

Why?

Because FL is hardly EVER 34 degrees... and when it is... people put on more clothes....

more clothes=more work for security=longer lines

I WAS FREEZING.

My fingers were tingling so bad it felt like they were being poked over and over by needles. 

By the time I finally got inside to thaw it was time to go to my holding chamber. (where I am currently while writing this)..

i did walk in and come across an awkward situation when my craziest band parent said hello to me and happened to be serving jury duty as well (you have GOT to be kidding me).

I quickly bolted for the opposite end of the room.

Then I called to check in on my school and my kids (ya know, the ones I blogged about being a better teacher to just last night...)

GUESS WHAT I FORGOT!

oh, ya know... JUST A SUB!

I forgot to call in a sub!!!

I think in the back of my head I didn't really think my number would be called for jury duty so I didn't worry about it... and I think I assumed that because I turned in my absence request form that it would magically happen for me. I don't remember the last time I had to get a sub... because last year there were two of us and whenever we did subs Nicole took care of it. Last time I had a sub was because I was sick and I called that one in early in the morning.

So, it's been awhile since I actually assigned a sub.

Lesson learned.

Thank God for Jenn and Brad who saved my butt... yet again....

ok, adding that to my resolution.

Always have a sub lined up!

STRESSED OUT.

This week is stressful.

I am trying the best I can to prepare.

Tomorrow is my winter band concert with my kids.
if you know me, I tend to stress about these things. I did a small concert earlier this Fall... but this one is with ALL the kids and in the high school performing arts center. It's been really tough this year on my own. As much as I appreciate being independent again I really wish I could share the load with someone else. 300 kids is just too much.
Way too much to do by myself.

And then the emails...

I have never gotten so many depressing emails.
Parents pissed off constantly because NOTHING can ever make anyone happy and it's ALWAYS the teacher's fault.
I even got called into my principal's office once because I was "sending too many emails." That's right. I was being too helpful. Sending too much communication. are. you. fucking. kidding. me?
All of sudden this evening I am getting emails from parents complaining they can't take their kids to the concert, their child magically got sick over the weekend, etc. etc. Of course the day before.
Because no one thinks ahead of time.

It's hard on a person's soul.
to be beaten down day in and day out.
to be told you ask too much of children.
to be yelled at for things that are not your fault.
instruments missing in the inventory that i had no idea about and when i asked the director before me to give me a copy of the inventory he said "he lost it." and then all of a sudden  comes up with it when confronted by my asst. principal?
it just isn't fair.
the selfishness of others.
to be responsible for other's actions.
your child doesn't turn in their assignments and it's MY fault that I didn't contact you??
Your student has a long day with a rehearsal in one class in a performance in another? have you ever considered the long day that IIIIIIiiiii am having? When your child goes home I will still be at the school putting away instruments, cleaning up, etc.
JUST. STOP.

Someone please just recognize me for my hard work.
Someone please send a NICE email saying "thank you for taking time you DO NOT GET PAID FOR to work with our kids after school."
Thank you for the emails and reminders.
Thank you for using a lot of your own money towards our children.
thank you for letting our students turn in assignments late with no penalties.

After all, i have had enough bullshit in my life. I don't need this in addition.



And the next part...

on Tuesday I have a hearing.
Because over the summer I filed for unemployment after I was let go from Ocoee. But since I was let go because of budget they apparently extend my job until August (even though i do not get paid... if not for my deferment). So, I guess I wasn't even allowed to sign up for unemployment. But I was urged to  by others....
and I did it.
Because I was sad.
And desperate.
And apparently oblivious to the rules.
And then a couple weeks ago I got a bill in the mail saying I owe the government $1400.
of course in my mind i thought it was their wrong.

and on tuesday i have to go through a stressful and embarrassing hearing making me feel like some type of criminal.
i am a decent, honest person that was honestly seeking help in a time of need.

MEANWHILE... millions live off our government and have NO intentions of getting off their ass and getting a job. popping out babies right and left...


I just want this to be OVER.
I want Monday and Tuesday to be OVER.

I want to go my concert and hopefully get some POSITIVE feedback.
I want to get this inventory over with on Tuesday and hopfully find these magically missing instruments.
I want to get the hearing done with and get a blessing from God to get the debts erased.
If not, i really hope they take payment plans.
Because I can honestly say I have not a single penny in my name right now and getting more and more in debt only makes me feel like i am falling deeper and deeper into depression.



Where is that holiday cheer that's supposed to be spreading around?


Isn't this the most magical time of the year?


Santa... please send me a winning lotto ticket.

panacea, please

I AM SOOOO OVER FEELING LIKE CRAP.

I mean.
It's kind of my fault.

I haven't totally been following my bland, stupid diet. But I cut out a lot of stuff. I haven't had spaghetti in almost 2 months now. do you know how odd that is for me?! That I am deprived of the cheapest meal to make? Not to mention I make one mean pasta sauce... filled with lots of garlic... which is also a no-no when you have gastritis.
Coffee?
Non-existant.
:(
But luckily I have found out about the Caramel Apple Spice drink at Starbucks!!!! It's pretty much liquid crack. Order one next time you go and see for yourself. Thank goodness I bitched about coffee on my faceboook so my friend told me about it. Thanks, Lindsay. It's been helpful. but, I still miss coffee. I miss having options. I miss having the freedom.
I miss pizza.
Well, kind of.
I miss having the option to buy it when I am tired after a long day of school and I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "let's just get a pizza, damn it."

So.
I work hard all day.
And in my mind as I go through my dad I pump myself up by saying "just think, Autumn... only __ more classes until you get to go home and spend time with Ryan..."
And then today I am driving home and suddenly I feel so super dizzy I honestly consider pulling over. I make it home... it felt like an eternity to get there. Every red light was complete torture. I walk in the door and Ryan is there to greet me. And I pass him to go straight to the couch and collapse. And then the migraine/stomach aches begin. I threw up a couple times.
It's just horrible.
And i felt so bad because honestly all i want to do is spend time with ryan and he spends his time with me just taking care of me.
This is NOT what I consider quality time with each other.

I feel like I spend all my energy at school and by the end of the day I just running on fumes. That I have just enough to get to my house...and then commence the collapsing. I have just enough time to recuperate when the weekend comes... and when the week comes again I am exhausted.
Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like if i hadn't gone through the grief of john.
I am sure that this stomach issue would have never been an issue... at all.

My doctor the other day told me that what's happening is that I have not completely healed. That my body is still reacting to the grief. still dormant inside of my body. And when I stress... my body is my first warning sign... the first reactor to the tension. So, i am supposed to "relax" and "calm down." (um, band directors can do that????) she also told me i need to stop making doctor appts (and appointments for biopsies and ultrasounds). ... because that's also adding stress.
then she handed me a card for a counselor. it's still in my purse. i have it on my "to do list"
"call counselor"
i have been meaning to.
i am not avoiding it... i just dread the cost...and the time... and the re-hashing... exposing my tragedy again... making it fresh to someone new....


i have more things to work out.
for the sake of my body... which is yanking on my sleeve saying "we're not quite done yet..."

Other people's problems.

sometimes i feel insensitive to other people's problems.
mainly people that are strangers.
it's hard for me to make it personal.

sometimes i can though.
like last night i watched a documentary called the Most Valuable Players and it was about these competing musical groups in PA. The main guy that organizes it is diagnosed with cancer and at the end it says it is dedicated to him... he died shortly after the film was finished. I bawled my eyes out. Because I grew to love him in the film. I felt connected to him. and i was inspired by his passion for what he did. in fact, i was a little green.
with jealousy.
because i know my passion is nowhere near what his is.
Then again, he was on camera. and i am sure they showed the best of his world. but, you could tell he LOVED what he did and it meant the world to him.

I don't always love what i do.
because i have to deal with things that aren't part of my passion.
writing receipts is not my passion.
listening to families come up and tell me their struggles because so and so lost their job and they have 10 kids and are all on welfare... isn't my passion.
doing paperwork is not my passion.
handling money is not my passion.
planning fundraisers is not my passion.
battling for calendar dates is not my passion.
begging for money is not my passion.
repairing broken instruments is not my passion.

my passion is to teach.

and that other stuff tends to get in the way... and snuffs out that fire. the burning fire i have to teach. Sometimes i feel like the flame i carry for teaching is very strong... and other times I feel it dimming... and in any moment you will see the smoke rise from it being blown out.
Ugh.


so, sitting down listening to a stranger confess their problems to me... not my cup of tea.

wow. then i guess I should throw counseling and psychology out the window???