Monday, September 19, 2011

panacea, please


I mean.
It's kind of my fault.

I haven't totally been following my bland, stupid diet. But I cut out a lot of stuff. I haven't had spaghetti in almost 2 months now. do you know how odd that is for me?! That I am deprived of the cheapest meal to make? Not to mention I make one mean pasta sauce... filled with lots of garlic... which is also a no-no when you have gastritis.
But luckily I have found out about the Caramel Apple Spice drink at Starbucks!!!! It's pretty much liquid crack. Order one next time you go and see for yourself. Thank goodness I bitched about coffee on my faceboook so my friend told me about it. Thanks, Lindsay. It's been helpful. but, I still miss coffee. I miss having options. I miss having the freedom.
I miss pizza.
Well, kind of.
I miss having the option to buy it when I am tired after a long day of school and I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "let's just get a pizza, damn it."

I work hard all day.
And in my mind as I go through my dad I pump myself up by saying "just think, Autumn... only __ more classes until you get to go home and spend time with Ryan..."
And then today I am driving home and suddenly I feel so super dizzy I honestly consider pulling over. I make it home... it felt like an eternity to get there. Every red light was complete torture. I walk in the door and Ryan is there to greet me. And I pass him to go straight to the couch and collapse. And then the migraine/stomach aches begin. I threw up a couple times.
It's just horrible.
And i felt so bad because honestly all i want to do is spend time with ryan and he spends his time with me just taking care of me.
This is NOT what I consider quality time with each other.

I feel like I spend all my energy at school and by the end of the day I just running on fumes. That I have just enough to get to my house...and then commence the collapsing. I have just enough time to recuperate when the weekend comes... and when the week comes again I am exhausted.
Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like if i hadn't gone through the grief of john.
I am sure that this stomach issue would have never been an issue... at all.

My doctor the other day told me that what's happening is that I have not completely healed. That my body is still reacting to the grief. still dormant inside of my body. And when I stress... my body is my first warning sign... the first reactor to the tension. So, i am supposed to "relax" and "calm down." (um, band directors can do that????) she also told me i need to stop making doctor appts (and appointments for biopsies and ultrasounds). ... because that's also adding stress.
then she handed me a card for a counselor. it's still in my purse. i have it on my "to do list"
"call counselor"
i have been meaning to.
i am not avoiding it... i just dread the cost...and the time... and the re-hashing... exposing my tragedy again... making it fresh to someone new....

i have more things to work out.
for the sake of my body... which is yanking on my sleeve saying "we're not quite done yet..."

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