panacea, please

I AM SOOOO OVER FEELING LIKE CRAP.

I mean.
It's kind of my fault.

I haven't totally been following my bland, stupid diet. But I cut out a lot of stuff. I haven't had spaghetti in almost 2 months now. do you know how odd that is for me?! That I am deprived of the cheapest meal to make? Not to mention I make one mean pasta sauce... filled with lots of garlic... which is also a no-no when you have gastritis.
Coffee?
Non-existant.
:(
But luckily I have found out about the Caramel Apple Spice drink at Starbucks!!!! It's pretty much liquid crack. Order one next time you go and see for yourself. Thank goodness I bitched about coffee on my faceboook so my friend told me about it. Thanks, Lindsay. It's been helpful. but, I still miss coffee. I miss having options. I miss having the freedom.
I miss pizza.
Well, kind of.
I miss having the option to buy it when I am tired after a long day of school and I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "let's just get a pizza, damn it."

So.
I work hard all day.
And in my mind as I go through my dad I pump myself up by saying "just think, Autumn... only __ more classes until you get to go home and spend time with Ryan..."
And then today I am driving home and suddenly I feel so super dizzy I honestly consider pulling over. I make it home... it felt like an eternity to get there. Every red light was complete torture. I walk in the door and Ryan is there to greet me. And I pass him to go straight to the couch and collapse. And then the migraine/stomach aches begin. I threw up a couple times.
It's just horrible.
And i felt so bad because honestly all i want to do is spend time with ryan and he spends his time with me just taking care of me.
This is NOT what I consider quality time with each other.

I feel like I spend all my energy at school and by the end of the day I just running on fumes. That I have just enough to get to my house...and then commence the collapsing. I have just enough time to recuperate when the weekend comes... and when the week comes again I am exhausted.
Sometimes I contemplate what it would be like if i hadn't gone through the grief of john.
I am sure that this stomach issue would have never been an issue... at all.

My doctor the other day told me that what's happening is that I have not completely healed. That my body is still reacting to the grief. still dormant inside of my body. And when I stress... my body is my first warning sign... the first reactor to the tension. So, i am supposed to "relax" and "calm down." (um, band directors can do that????) she also told me i need to stop making doctor appts (and appointments for biopsies and ultrasounds). ... because that's also adding stress.
then she handed me a card for a counselor. it's still in my purse. i have it on my "to do list"
"call counselor"
i have been meaning to.
i am not avoiding it... i just dread the cost...and the time... and the re-hashing... exposing my tragedy again... making it fresh to someone new....


i have more things to work out.
for the sake of my body... which is yanking on my sleeve saying "we're not quite done yet..."

empire state of mind

HOLY BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just went into overdrive.

mainly because i hit the august mark.

and i came back from my short lived vacation.

new york was great fun.

for some reason i got really excited to take my first plane ride with Ryan (even thought i hate flying...)

I think it was because I have someone to fly with again.

Someone's hand to squeeze on lift off or when there is turbulance.

someone to talk to and separate me from strangers that may sit by me.

ryan let me have the window seat.

I am so thankful he's understanding about this.

I mean, who really likes the middle seat anyway???

Ryan got to meet my sister. The NY sister, Raheann.

and her husband and in-laws.

i was so excited Ryan got to meet one of my siblings.

he had met Kristi.. but only for a short period of time.

This was actually quality time! I was very excited to show him off.. I am so proud of my new found relationship. I almost want to be like "see! look what I can do! Look how far I have come! I got a good one!!!"

Ryan and I went to the city twice.

He hasn't been since he was a young teenager.

I went last summer.

in a very opposite direction that I am currently in.

So, it was different going back to the city with Ryan. Mainly because this was a place I had been to with John... twice. And it was where we had spent our last vacation. I had actually thought he would propose to me in NY... and then a few days after we got back in 2010 he did.

It was actually a good time. We did different things i have never done before. honestly, in NYC you can go back many many times and still find new things to do.

This time I lucked out and got tickets to Jimmy Fallon!!!!!

I LOVE JF! I record EVERY show and sometimes will sit and watch 3-4 episodes at a time. :) We really lucked out when we went... well, part luck and part charm really.

We got to meet up with John's good friend, Billy, and his girlfriend while we were there and invited them to go to the show with us.

since they were running late i actually got to speak to one of the managers/producers and somehow talked my way into FRONT ROW SEATS!!!!!!!!

I got to see Jimmy up close and personal along with the Roots, Julianne Moore, Chris Katan, Dominick Cooper ....and... get this... BEYONCE!!!

It was soooo fun!!!! i hugged jimmy fallon and got his autograph. talked to the tuba player (mainly) from the roots, got teased by jimmy fallon, sat next to chris katan, waved and exchanged words with beyonce as she left the show and got some free perfume to boot :)

I know.. I was totally star struck.

But it was sooo fun.

Then the next few days were good... but a little rough because my stomach was causing big issues. My inflammation was on full blast the last two days we were there.

it really sucked because it cut down our second visit to the city and made me a total lame-o .. especially when my sister wanted to do stuff or go out.

i was glad that i had a chance to meet up with John's brother and sister-in-law though before we left.

and I am glad they got to meet Ryan.

I have really been doing my best to try and make sure everyone meets Ryan. I want people to see this person that brought the light back into my world. Who literally saved my life. And it's my family and John's family in which I value their opinions the most.

So far... Ryan's a hit :)

I mean obviously everyone is going to love him because they see how happy he makes me ... and that is what matters the most. People want to see me happy again.

And.

I am.

I hate that my vacation was semi-ruined by the fact that my stomach hates me.

When I got back I had a follow up appt. with my doctor and we went over my test results.

i can go ahead and praise God that there is no cancer.

I do have quite a bit of gastritis and some acid refulx which is causing the tightness in my throat. I also have a nodule in my thyroid that now has to be biopsied... and more blood work... and ANOTHER ultrasound.. this one on my stomach ( gallbladder area).

More tests.

And hopefully figuring out how to live normal again.

For now I can't eat or drink anything I like.

No chocolate.

No coke.

No tea.

No coffee.

No french fries.

Very strict.

Very bland.

But i give it up gladly in order to feel better again.

here's to feeling better!