Friday, September 23, 2011

the broken tea pot.

Last night I was sitting on the couch and Ryan was making dinner in the kitchen. I love when he makes dinner. It doesn't happen often and so it's a real treat when I don't have to cook. As much as I love cooking it's nice to let my mind just take a break. It's the planning of meals that gets to me more than it is the cooking of them.
So... I am watching tv, painting my toe nails, checking my email... when I hear some commotion in the kitchen.
Ryan has been in there cleaning for quite a bit...
and then I see him. working frantically and tears in his eyes. 
I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he broke the lid to my teapot.
Most men wouldn't be this upset about a teapot lid. Or expect someone to be upset about the teapot lid.
But Ryan knew about this teapot.
It was an anniversary gift from John. For our 4th year anniversary.
And he had been in the kitchen trying to super glue it back together and finally came to a point where the pieces wouldn't fit... and confessed what happened. 
And he was torn up about it.
It touched my heart.
I felt bad for Ryan... who only means to make me happy in this life. He's sensitive to things that were once mine and John's... or even John's. 
One time he borrowed one of John's hoodies before we went out because he couldn't find one of his. He looked up and spoke outloud "thanks, John."
I was very touched when he did that.
Ryan truly respects the love I have for John. 
The love we had once together.
And the memory of John.

So, he was crushed when he broke the tea pot.
And at first I really didn't seem to beat up about it.
I mean, after losing a person ... a tea pot just isn't really that big of a deal. 
Later that night Ryan kept bringing it up and how sorry he was... and then it began to sink in more.
Slowly, with time... John's things will start to diminish.
Gifts will be broken,
Things will get lost.
Items will be replaced.

I fear eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.
Except for my blotchy memory.
Ya know, that's another shitty thing about grief.
You lost the person you love and your mind is so torn up you start to lose focus of the memories. The one thing you have left of that person and your mind won't even cooperate. You forget the things you said "I will never forget this!" Then one day something will trigger the memory and you will either cry about it in the middle of wherever you are... or, in my case, go home and blog about it so you never forget. 

The point is...  as time goes on... the thing of this world will disappear. so, I am going to do everything I can to keep a hold of what I have left of John... the amazing memories we made together. 
The photos I have of the day when I got my tea pot...

As for now... I still have a good amount of physical objects for memories sake.
Including weird things. Like his bag of dirty clothes I can't seem to wash. And his deodorant. His toothbrush... his cologne.... 
These are things I can't quite separate from right now.
I don't have a shrine or anything.. they are stored in a private place. But, i am not quite at the point yet where I can give them up. 
As for the tea pot... I think it still has a place in my kitchen... with the chipped/superglued lid. 

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