the broken tea pot.

Last night I was sitting on the couch and Ryan was making dinner in the kitchen. I love when he makes dinner. It doesn't happen often and so it's a real treat when I don't have to cook. As much as I love cooking it's nice to let my mind just take a break. It's the planning of meals that gets to me more than it is the cooking of them.

So... I am watching tv, painting my toe nails, checking my email... when I hear some commotion in the kitchen.

Ryan has been in there cleaning for quite a bit...

and then I see him. working frantically and tears in his eyes. 

I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he broke the lid to my teapot.

Most men wouldn't be this upset about a teapot lid. Or expect someone to be upset about the teapot lid.

But Ryan knew about this teapot.

It was an anniversary gift from John. For our 4th year anniversary.

And he had been in the kitchen trying to super glue it back together and finally came to a point where the pieces wouldn't fit... and confessed what happened. 

And he was torn up about it.

It touched my heart.

I felt bad for Ryan... who only means to make me happy in this life. He's sensitive to things that were once mine and John's... or even John's. 

One time he borrowed one of John's hoodies before we went out because he couldn't find one of his. He looked up and spoke outloud "thanks, John."

I was very touched when he did that.

Ryan truly respects the love I have for John. 

The love we had once together.

And the memory of John.

So, he was crushed when he broke the tea pot.

And at first I really didn't seem to beat up about it.

I mean, after losing a person ... a tea pot just isn't really that big of a deal. 

Later that night Ryan kept bringing it up and how sorry he was... and then it began to sink in more.

Slowly, with time... John's things will start to diminish.

Gifts will be broken,

Things will get lost.

Items will be replaced.

I fear eventually I will have nothing to remember him by.

Except for my blotchy memory.

Ya know, that's another shitty thing about grief.

You lost the person you love and your mind is so torn up you start to lose focus of the memories. The one thing you have left of that person and your mind won't even cooperate. You forget the things you said "I will never forget this!" Then one day something will trigger the memory and you will either cry about it in the middle of wherever you are... or, in my case, go home and blog about it so you never forget. 

The point is...  as time goes on... the thing of this world will disappear. so, I am going to do everything I can to keep a hold of what I have left of John... the amazing memories we made together. 

The photos I have of the day when I got my tea pot...

As for now... I still have a good amount of physical objects for memories sake.

Including weird things. Like his bag of dirty clothes I can't seem to wash. And his deodorant. His toothbrush... his cologne.... 

These are things I can't quite separate from right now.

I don't have a shrine or anything.. they are stored in a private place. But, i am not quite at the point yet where I can give them up. 

As for the tea pot... I think it still has a place in my kitchen... with the chipped/superglued lid. 

I NEED YOUR HELP!

The t-shirt quilt project.

Many people have asked me how they can help…. And I have never been able to give them much of an answer except “pray for me” or “spend time with me.” But I have come up with a project… something I really want to do… for John’s family and myself. For Christmas I want to give each member of his immediate family (brothers, sister, mom, dad and nephews) a small quilt made from John’s shirts. I rather John’s shirts get use out of them instead of sitting in a dresser or in my closet. I have had one of these quilts made from all my drum corps and college t shirts and I absolutely love it. The company does an awesome job. You can check them out at www.campusquilt.com. I am planning on getting the lap quilts with sashing.
I will be purchasing 8 quilts that each cost $129.00 and an additional $27.00 each for sashing. Also there is a charge for shipping all the materials. The total cost of the project will be $1,408. This is something I cannot afford alone so this is where you can finally help out.
This gift would mean so much to me…. I really, really think it is a great way to remember John and have comfort in times when you want to feel close to him.
If you could help out and donate any amount of money it would be greatly appreciated. I will take pictures of the final projects and send them out as soon as they arrive. I have to send in all the materials by December 1st so I have a time limit.
If you want to mail me your donation you can send it to:

Autumn Hassell
5926 Lake Pointe Village Cir Apt 214
Orlando, FL 32822

Or you always visit me in person…. I would love your company.
Thank you so much for being so caring and supportive during this difficult time in my life. I really think God placed some amazing people by my side and have helped me stay strong while I go through this long journey.
Take care,

Autumn