Monday, June 4, 2012

it's not always rainbows and sunshine

I have to admit it.
Sometimes I act not sad to make others happy.
And I hate admitting this too because I have upset quite a few people with my feelings.
I am a people pleaser.
And it's killing me.
The other day I was walking ... I think just walking into a store...
and I realized something.

hey. I'm not super happy right now.
That seems ridiculous doesn't it???
I should try and be happy.
I have come a long way.
How can I possibly still be sad?

And the truth is.... it isn't always because of John.
I know a lot stems from that.
It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon except I can usually trace back all my problems to when John died.
Every problem that arises usually stems somewhere from losing him.

I know that i wouldn't be having the problems I am currently having with my work and with my friends if John were still here.

I have to stop my mind from thinking about where I would have been if I had never lost John. Definitely would have been pregnant by now.
Or already raising my own child.
Beautiful wedding.
Loving and adoring husband.
A job where I was SUPPORTED by my administration, admired by students, and respected by my peers.

But I am here.
And I shouldn't complain.
I have THE most adoring and loving boyfriend a girl like me could ask for.
As I have said before I do not deserve Ryan.

What I DO deserve is SUPPORT.
I deserve people who support my decisions as a teacher.
I deserve recognition for hard work.
I deserve to show off how talented and smart I am. I deserved to have financial stability.

I deserve my moments of sadness... but without fear of expressing those times.
I deserve times of joy... which God has been so gracious and good to give me even out of my grief.

I am just ready for something to go my way.
I am ready for something exciting and life changing.
I am ready for my rainbow.

"Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold, lay like a mist across the road. But be encouraged by the sight. Where there's a shadow there's a light!"

(i don't feel like this entry really captured the way I am feeling. but i tried)

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