Thursday, May 20, 2010

I dreamed a dream

Tonight was my first concert without John.
There will start being a lot of firsts without him.
I have them everyday.

As much as I try and avoid the firsts... they come. Sometimes they come and I don't realize it until it's already happening.
Like when I went and ate at our favorite Thai restaurant without him.
I was with my friend Rosie and in the middle of it.. I thought about it. How he will never be able to get the food "firehouse" hot and they would bring him out a glass of milk afterwards. Watching him wipe sweat from his forehead as he ate. Yes, he would sweat. But then again.. he would sweat a lot. Doing even the simple things.
I remember John telling me once that him and Tim (his best friend) would sit and eat spicy food and would watch to see who would start sweating first. That's my guy. Sweaty and all. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I'll take it.

So, the concert... actually went well. As well as it could. Of course, as much as it stresses me out.. nothing in life seems as dramatic anymore. Yes, a clarinet broke in the middle of a piece and yes, kids forgot stuff and came up to me with the most random questions... but, I handled it quite well and had a lot of other people around to help me too. I have quite the support system. I wouldn't know what to do without them. They are my rock.
So, my kids played I dreamed a dream from Les Mis.
I picked it out quite some time ago because I knew they could do it... it's a grade 3... but it's not bad. And John's dad LOVES this song. I was originally doing it for him. Because he comes to almost all my concerts.
In the end the song became heart breaking.
The lyrics, the melody, the expression... I almost didn't make it through. I cried and cried. Im surprised the kids made it through. I remember if my band director cried during a song I would LOSE it. Jen sang it beautifully. It was just beautiful. And I was proud of my kids.
I know John would be proud too.
I know he was there.
At least that's everyone says.
I mean I believe he was... he had to be.
But, he should have been there to hug me afterwards and go to dinner with all of us.
And to hold me that night when I was happy and relieved and carefree. The day after a concert is like no other. You feel like a free man/woman. No more worries, no more stress... it's all easy street from here. especially a spring concert. Because that means school is almost over and really life is simple for the next couple weeks.

But. My concert is over. Now what?
I am back to that feeling lost thing.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

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