I have been without the love of my life for one month.
This is the worst type of anniversary anyone could ask for. No longer will I be counting down the days until a wedding, or a birthday, or an anniversary...
everything revolves around when John died.
38 days since I have kissed his face and held his hand and cuddled in the bed with him. I don't think we have ever gone this long apart before. Maybe in drum corps... but barely. At least we got to see each other at shows.
I remember those days and how I hated them. I hated how we marched different corps. I hated how the schedules never seemed to line up. How was it possible out of the 40 shows I did I would only see John 5 times?!
The nights we had together we took full advantage of. We each gave our after show "jobs" to some helpful member (who we would re-pay later by doing the same for them) and undress/dress as fast as possible and run to each other. We would run off to a remote area and spend time together away from the chaos of snare players practicing, color guard yelling out count numbers, and food trucks grumbling.
It was our time for each other. And had to cherish every second.
And I could handle that small time apart because I knew the reward in the end. I got to see him again. Not to mention the hot bodies we had at the end of summer.
But each day I have to move forward telling myself "I will see John again." But this isn't 30 days... this isn't at the next show...
this is a big question mark.
When will I see him again? I do not know. Only God will decide that factor. And I am not saying I am ready to leave this Earth. Of course I have thought about it daily. I think about how if having to die.... at least I know the person I am madly in love with would be waiting for me.
I just don't quite understand the purpose in this really. Everyday I wake up. Yes, everyday.... still is disbelief. This hasn't happened.
John was taken from me. Literally taken.
This rare heart condition. Something rare and undetectable... took him.
God took him.
And I still don't know why.
And the pain I go through daily is sometimes unbareable. People continue to live their lives... thankful it wasn't them... and I writhe in pain just thinking of how empty my life has become. Without John's warmth and laughter, and love and light.
I made it through 1 month. It was the longest month of my life.
I had many people to thank for getting me there, though. They held my hand. I hope they continue to hold my hand as I push towards the second month.
But I wish I could wrap my arms around John today and just say "wow, this month sucked without you... lets not do that again, ok?"