Monday, May 17, 2010


As you might know.
I like to write lists.
For everything.
They make my day feel complete... and I love checking stuff off that I do. Not just checking it off... but literally scratching it off.

John got accustomed to these lists. He relied on them. If something had to get done... it had to be in a list form. Or else forget about it.
Sometimes I would come home and be like "John, why didn't you bring the laundry up..." and he would reply "you didn't put it on my list." These became an issue sometimes... i would often tell John that just because it's not on the list doesn't mean I don't want him to do it. He was stubborn. It had to be written down. So, eventually I made sure EVERY DETAIL made the list.

Here is what a list might typically look like for John:

- make your car payment
- call work about our trip to _______ and request off
- bring up the laundry
- clean Cecilia's litter box
- pick up some chicken for dinner
- bathe Metallica
- make the bed
- love me
- kiss me when I get home

He might not always get to everything but he ALWAYS checked off the bottom two. It never failed.
And that made me happy.

I listened to John's last voicemail to me today in the car. BAD IDEA, I KNOW.
But, I needed to hear his sweet voice. The voice I woke up to everyday and the voice I fell asleep to every night.
In the voicemail he apologized for not doing the stuff on his list. He said he wasn't feeling well and he was sorry and he loved me.

He really liked those damn lists. Secretly. They made him feel just as accomplished as me. They gave him an order and a purpose.
And I am sure there were days he didn't like the list. the litter box cleaning days. That was his job. He took the laundry upstairs and he dealt with the cat poop. I cooked dinner and washed the dishes. It was a perfect team system. And it all worked because of my OCD with list making.

I sometimes write my friends emails in list format.
Like for instance to Evan I might write something like this:

1) I can't wait for Pie Festival
2) What pieces are you playing for MPA?
3) Can I borrow a cow bell?
4) I love short days. (Wednesdays..)
5) Your new boyfriend is really cute.
6) mews.
7) I love you
8) When are we hanging out?

And she would reply in list format.
It's caught on. My friends start to do it now... and so do their friends. The same lists I started to keep my life in order and John on task.

I find it hard to make lists now. They are so empty. I do laundry still because I have to. I pick up my many prescriptions from the store I have now. I don't make dinner. I don't go to the store. I still pay bills. I don't get to tell John to love me and kiss me... although I know he still does love me very much and would gladly kiss me if he could.
I don't understand what to do right now. My list is blank. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE NOW? It has completely lost it's purpose.
My list was so full before John died.
I had wedding errands all the time. We were setting dates and appointments and my biggest dream was coming true. I finally was going to marry the love of my life.
And then the lists would have continued.
I would eventually get to add on to that list as our future rolled on together.
- pick up groceries
- pay mortgage
- buy diapers
- make the bed
- love me
- kiss me when you get home

I am still completely lost.
My list is empty.
John's list is empty.
I am so lost.


Brandy said...

i just wanted to leave you a comment to thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions through this blog, and to let you know that i'm reading every entry as the tears well up. i know this has to be a great way to release everything thats inside- really good therapy. but its also helping others cope and sort out the feelings of utter loss, confusion, anger, love, hope...

i always considered john to be one of my good friends, he was the kind of person that made every situation comfortable and familiar, regardless of how long it had been since we hung out.... but this really helps me know him better by knowing him through your heart.

we were all so blessed to have known john. and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. i love you so much autumn and i think of you all the time.

Autumn said...

i am glad this blog is helping you understand as much as it helps me express myself.

you were always so generous to let us stay with you when we came up for games. thanks for that. i am sorry i didn't get to see you last time i came to tallahassee. but, we will see each other soon. i promise.

i love you so much too. and i miss john so much. incredibly much. i am glad you got to see the beginnings of an amazing relationship we had. and i am glad you saw it blossom into what it became. i love you.