Sunday, May 16, 2010


The first two days after John's death I didn't dream about him. I was terribly upset about this because this was the only way I would be able to see his face anymore. (that and the thousands of pictures I have taken since we have dated).
Then, the third night I had my first John dream. I have dreamt about him ever since. Sometimes the dreams are very real. Sometimes I sort of know I am dreaming.
I have had a dream where John is trying to break up with me. Don't ask me why because that never happened. I think it was my mind's way of trying to make it ok. Because if he broke up with me it would be a lot easier than him dying. I rather him be walking around the Earth without me at least... but still here living his full life. But, this isn't the case. When John left this world we happened to be in the happiest point of our life. We were on cloud 9 and nothing could bring us down from it. Or so we thought I guess.
There was one night I had a dream... it was quite awful and I woke up very emotional from it. In the dream I knew John was sick and I knew it was important to get him to see a doctor. I kept saying "John lets go to the doctor..." I was pulling his arm and trying to get him out the door. He kept shaking his head saying "Autumn, I'm already dead." It was horrifying. Mainly because it's true. I can't fix anything. I can't go back and tell John to go to the doctor. Maybe something is wrong. Because what happened... can't be undone and I hate that most of all. I can't change any of this. And of course I have been through this denial stage. DAILY.
I should have come home on time.
I should have told John to see a doctor.
I should have had his mom go check on him.

Luckily, I don't have many of these regrets. I regret him dying but when I left him that morning we were completely in love. We said I love you. He said I looked cute. We laughed at how loud the boys were downstairs. We kissed. We cuddled.
I can't regret this part.

Last night my dream was dissapointing again.
John once again was aware he was going to die. So, we decided that before he left we would try for a baby. So, even though he eventually left me in the dream... I knew I was carrying our child. A perfect balance of John's features and mine. Then the next part...
I had a dream where everyone from TCI was putting on a concert in John's honor. Matt Verberg and Cliff were singing ( I know this part is just as odd...) and then all around us all these buildings popped up. They were all the landmarks that John and I had visited while he was alive. The Eiffel tower, the colleseum, the mountains of colorado, the skyscrapers of New York, etc. etc. They were surronding us during this concert.
Then I woke up. And I just sat in bed for an hour contemplating the dream. I cried. I cried because I knew that I would never be able to have that beautiful child I dreamt of having with him. The one we talked about in bed sometimes that would hopefully have my ears and his nose. The daddy's girl with that Seay curly hair and the Hassell personality.
And so... another reason nights are tough. Because you never know what is going to happen in your dreams and how you are going to react when you wake up the next morning realizing it was just that. a dream.

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