Saturday, May 15, 2010


I officially hate nighttime now.
It has to be the worst time for someone that has lost someone... especially their signifcant other...who they slept with almost every single night.
for 5 and a half years.
In fact, John and I slept in the same bed months before we "officially" dated. It was nothing romantic or anything. It was just company. It was a person to talk to at night. I was lucky John was a guy who would talk back to me in bed. I know there are a lot of guys who get in bed and then just fall right to sleep. Us women. Well, we have things to discuss. Am I the only one that thinks so?

But for the past 3 weeks I haven't slept with John. And I haven't slept alone. At first it was easy. Everyone planned their nighs to be with me. I had my sisters and sister-in-law there for the first week or so to be with me. They would rub my back, hold my hand, etc. and keep me company. Then, people eventually had to get home. Karen had to go be a mom to her 3 daughters and a wife to my brother. Raheann had to tend to her husband and loving dog, Buddy. Kristi had to fly back to Vegas and take care of my 3 year old niece, Makenzi. I am lucky that although my family departed to their various regions of the United States... I still have lots of friends close by. I have invaded the beds of many... Courtney, Erica, Lindsay, Megan, Evan, Annie, etc. etc. And I can't thank these girls enough. And their boyfriends and husbands.

There was a night where I had noone lined up and noone could take me in. I was in a panic. I sat downstairs with Jim and Sarah and texted everyone I know but I couldn't get a hold of anyone... and everyone has their lives apparently.
Sarah insisted I just stay downstairs and watch the TV until I fall asleep. So, Sarah and Jim went upstairs to bed and I sat there in front of the TV. Wide eyed. Resistant on taking a vallium.
Then... 15 minutes later I hear the all too familiar heavy footsteps upstairs of Jim Seay. He told me to go up and sleep with Sarah and he would take the downstairs room. So, I did. Her snoring didn't bother me one bit. Jim mentioned it was comforting. And I agree.

I have an extreme feeling of guilt about the fact that I can't sleep alone. I feel like I am intruding in everyone's lives.... I call myself the "gypsy." I have a bag... I keep it filled with shoes and clothes and everything I need and I go from one place to the next. I feel pressured into trying to sleep by myself. But. I am terrified.
I also find it extremely unfair (as you will soon find out I think lots of things are now).... that everyone got to go back to their normal lives and go to bed that night hugging tight to their significant other and being so thankful to have them... and I don't. And that is why when the sun sets... my spirits lower. It's this impending doom. It's the pressure of 'well, who's house will I invade today?' 'which one of my girlfriends is kicking their husband out of the bed tonight?'
I hate being that girl.
The sad girl.

When people say they will help with anything I need... do they mean it? Will you answer your phone at 3am when I am crying and need someone to just listen to me cry? Will you come over and sleep with me and keep me company just because the thought of sleeping alone scares the living shit out of me now?
I have a friend. She lost her husband 4 weeks before I lost John. She has been sleeping with her mom every night now for almost 2 months. I have another friend. She lost her husband and had a rotation of friends that stayed with her for over 3 months. So, why is it after 3 weeks I feel like I sometimes have no one to turn to??

I know I have a great support system. Everyone has been so kind. No, you don't know what to say. That's ok. You don't have to say anything. I don't mind the silence. Sometimes thats better. It keeps you from saying something stupid.
And if you want to talk about John I am ok with that. I rather that than you completely ignorning the subject and acting as if he never existed. Because he did. He was my life. He was my future.

Try and imagine this. Imagine your whole future laid out before you. And that future is this handsome, adoring, sensitive, amazing man. Imagine you come home and you find him lifeless and gone. Imagine half of you left with him.
Now, you sleep alone.

Not too easy is it?

For now I NEED people. Please don't ignore me and be scared. I need my friends. Being a loner is NOT the way I grieve.
And for now. I won't be sleeping alone.
And that's another way I will grieve. And it will take time. And I am NOT crazy. This is just what I need to do to make it through this.

No comments: