wardrobe malfunction

How come my life hasn't been turned into a movie yet?
Sometimes I can't believe the things that happen to me....
although if it were a movie I wouldn't know what genre it should be placed it. It was a romance turned tragedy with always a hint of comedy. It's drama and sometimes a little action.
But I can't make this shit up. It happens to me.

Last night was my concert with my kids. I was excited! The kids have been working so hard and I was ready to be recognized at OMS for the people that still don't know I exist. Nicole and I have so much fun together that a concert is just another fun thing to do. (except the rehearsal and setting it up and tearing it down part). I brought two dresses to the concert and asked Nicole which one I should wear. She pointed to the one I secretly wanted her to say. "Good choice!" The dress was form fitting, really cute. Although I am not a fan of my body it did a great job of exposing my good aspects and covering the bad ones. I actually felt cute. Which doesn't happen often. I had cute high heels on and fresh make up. I was ready to go. The concert started and it went really smooth.. the beginners had their first and were great. Then the older students went on... concert band... symphonic band (my band) and then wind ensemble. I was part of the program for wind ensemble... performing a solo... and guess what it was. "I dreamed a dream." I wrote about this song in May after my last concert at Walker Middle when I had my kids perform this and my chorus teacher sing. When I arrived at OMS Nicole had found the score in my box of stuff and was determined to play it with her kids. And then made the decision to have me by the soloist on horn. And then later on decided to dedicate it to John. So, to say this was a pretty serious/emotional thing is about right.
So... the students are playing "Winter Wonderland" on the stage and this is when I need to go backstage and get ready for my solo. I walk up the stairs to the side of the stage and feel a slight "breeze" down my side. I felt my side and felt... skin. I looked down and I was completely exposed!!! My dress zipper had broken and unzipped from under my armpit down to my waist. I started to get in a major panic mode! I had exactly 2 minutes to figure out what to do. I played with the zipper but it was a waste of time. It was broken. So, I started thinking in a MacGyver mindset on ways I could quickly fix my predicament! Yes, yes. All I needed was a paperclip, a match and a cotton ball and "voila!" A new dress!
Of course I couldn't come up with anything in those minutes of desperation. I couldn't go to my car to grab my other dress... I was supposed to go on next and Nicole would freak out if I just left. So I start to give her a "omg" stare and hope that she sees me off to the side. She does. And she gives the "what's going on back there?" look. We can speak in facial expressions. Me and Nicole. It's a gift we have.
She's conductiong. Helpless. What can she do for me?
So, the song ends... it's my turn to come out and I am beckoning for her to come backstage.
She turns to the audience and stalls and runs back stage. I show her the situation. We both are blank. What do you do? Nicole was like "well it's on your left side... no one in the audience will see." I give her a confused look. "Oh yea. The kids." Yes. The kids. I don't want them to see my exposed left side. So, finally I yell "a coat a coat!" Nicole goes out into the audience and asks for a woman's black coat. The lady gives it to her and I put it on. It actually went with the dress in the end.
I had 20 seconds to compose myself.
I went on to the stage... still quite flustered and completely embarrassed. Part of me wanted to cry and the other part of me was laughing. I find situations like this slightly amusing these days. As I walk on the stage I told Nicole "I know John had something to do with this..."

Because I think the seriousness of the song might have gotten to me.
And what would help get my mind off of that?
My dress falling apart of course.

I played my solo. It was ok.
But the coat was sooooooooo hot and the stage lights were beaming down on me like a summer day. I was sweating. Beads of sweat dripping down my powdered face. The students thought I was crying. Nope. Just pure sweat. And I don't sweat. So what's going on here? I finish the solo and the audience applauds. No one knows what just has happened. Well, some did. Most were cluelesss.
As I exit the stage and go in the back again I try and fool with the dress again. I was DETERMINED to fix it. So I mess with the zipper and... RIP!!!! I broke it even more and now it's ripped all the way down to my hip. The dress is basically off of me. I have to be out for the next song to conduct. Crap!!!
I grab my keys and run to my car... with no shoes on and holding my dress together in the process. I am out of shape and out of breath. I open my car and there is no time or room for me to change in there. So, I strip down to my bra and underwear in the middle of the parking lot. It's 40 degrees. I prayed there were no students or sexual predators around.
I slip on the other dress quickly and run back inside.
I made it in time for the next song... and the rest of the night went fine.

Some people came up to me after the concert to ask me about what happened and others just said "great solo." IF ONLY THEY KNEW.
John's dad walked up to me with a grin "ok, what did John do to your dress?"
And this is why we are such a good pair. It's because we share a brain.
I smiled. Then cried.

I composed myself again and said my thank yous to everyone.
I got in my car and drove back to the middle school to unload. I put the car in park and lost it.
I cried and cried. Because it finally caught up to me. Even a dress malfunction couldn't hide the fact that John wasn't there tonight to give me a bouquet of flowers and have an after concert dinner with me. He wasn't there for me to recognize in the audience or help me set up the percussion equiptment. He wasn't there. And he missed out on a good concert. And a good laugh. But maybe he got a chance to peak in.
Maybe he was there all along.

7 months without you.

I am in Vegas.
Everyone thinks it was a crazy trip to get away and party. I mean, it's a vacation that's for sure. But it's more based around family than it is "what happens in vegas stays in vegas."
When I arrived on Friday night my sister took me to a restaurant called hot and juicy. A place where your dinner comes in a plastic bag and you eat with gloves on. It's brilliant and delicious! That's was it for that night. The next day we woke up and got massages and then got our hair done. That took up a big part of our day. And now I am starting to get the itch... the "I am in Vegas and how come I haven't gambled yet" itch. So, I played some video poker in a restaurant we went to and threw away $10. Ah yes, vegas.
Yesterday was Makenzi's 4th birthday party! It was really cute. It was held at a place where they have tons of different types of bounce houses and then the kids get food and cake. It was a neat place, really. Last night I had my sister time.. we went to a casino (not on the strip) and played Bingo (and didn't win) and saw the new Harry Potter movie. I played a few slots but I didn't go crazy.

So, that's my Vegas trip so far. It's relaxing. It's not wild and crazy. But I am enjoying it. I always enjoying getting away. I have always been fond of traveling. I just have to get used to traveling by myself.
The last time I was in Vegas John was by my side. We went to as many casinos on the strip as possible. We gambled our hearts away. We sat at roulette tables for hours. John drank gin and tonics and I had cherry coke (it's my gambling drink). We saw shows and had the total Vegas experience. It was for his graduation from college... and he deserved it. It took John a long time to get through college... and I was there for him every step of the way... helping any way I could. I even wrote some of his college essays for classes because
1) he would stall on them
2) I liked writing

But when John did sit down and write out a paper... it was pretty good! I was super impressed about how smart he was. He never gave himself enough credit on his intelligence. He always thought I was the smarter one out of the two. But I don't think that's true at all. I think we were pretty matched... but just in different areas. He was an absolutely brilliant man. The best, really.

So Vegas. Without John.
Is what I thought it might be.
Difficult.
I hide it well.
Or sometimes not. Like when I cried in the parking lot and in the car after Makenzi's birthday.
I hate when John misses events. I can't believe he's not there to celebrate. I feel like when John died half of my memories when with him. Because he shared them all with me... and his recollection of things we did together was different than mine. So, half of my memory left. If I tell a story about something I know I missing parts of it. John would have filled those in. And I would have been like "oh my goodness I totally forgot about that!" That's what is so great about having a partner in your life. You get to SHARE life. You get to live an experience beyond just what you feel but also what another feels. That's why I refuse to go to movies alone. I have never done it and probably never will. Because it's an experience I prefer to share. I want to discuss the movie with someone, I want to laugh together or cry together. I want to get excited with someone when I see a preview for an upcoming movie.
Maybe that's why I am not too dissapointed about not going to the strip yet. Because it was something I had shared with John. I am creating new experiences with my sister that won't make me compare it to the experience I had with him. But I also want to do the things that we never got to do together... because in a way... in a small way... I still feel like John may be experiencing them with me. Just on a different level. I just wish I could hold his hand while it happens. I want so badly to just sit down and hold him and tell him every story of every moment he has missed these past seven months.