Yesterday I went and had dinner with Lisa and Jeff.
Lisa is the fiance' of one of John's best friend's, Tim.
Jeff was also one of John's closest friends.
The wedding I spoke of before in December... that is Lisa and Tim's wedding. And John was supposed to be in it. A groomsman. And I would have been his wife by then.
The dinner was nice. We all sat around and chatted about our lives. Jeff is about to go on tour with the Blue Man Group for like 9 months. He will com home for the wedding but other than that he will be on the road for awhile. I plan on seeing one of his shows. (mainly the one that goes to Raleigh although I swear I am going to the one in Hawaii too :)
Lisa is planning her wedding. She is actually have her rehearsal dinner at the place we ate, Bahama Breeze.
I would be in this process with her. I would be ahead of her... because I HAD to have a fall wedding. It was mandatory for me. An Autumn wedding for Autumn. John knew my reason. He thought it was silly at first but honestly he just wanted to please me so went along with it. He went along with most things. He always wanted me to be happy. If it made me happy. It was ok with him.
After dinner I gave some of John's things to Jeff. I have done this with a few of John's friends. It hasn't been hard. I don't mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel sort of good. Because I know that if one of my friend's died I would want that stuff too. Stuff that had meaning. I have been trying to find meaningful stuff to pass on. I gave Jeff some drum sticks, a drum, and John's drum corps/marine corps back pack to take with him on tour. That back pack meant probably the most. John loved it. It was heavy duty too. All my drum corps back packs were torn and ragged by the end of tour but this one always looked in great shape.
After Jeff left sat in my car and cried.
I grabbed the bear that Christina gave me and hugged it and cried. And I cried LOUD. No one could hear me. This is the first LOUD crying I have done in some time now. Because with always having people around I try to maintain my crying as much as possible. Even though I do cry everytime. I try and cry with control. But I can only take so much.
Then I decided to go to the mall. To wait on Andrea and Kelly for a movie. Because we needed one.

This is also part of a "vow" we have made with each other.
We have promised that we will do at least 1 fun thing a day forever. And I think so far we have achieved it. Andrea said we aren't allowed to go to sleep until we do. Sometimes it's playing a game together like Andrea's favorite... Bananagrams. Or sometimes it's swimming, or watching our favorite Tv shows together.. or going out for dinner. Last night was movie date.

And being the punctual women they are (not) we had to go to a later show. So, here I am wandering the mall... and all I can think about is "well, atleast I can get my free piece of Godiva chocolate while I am here!" And of course I find out that it is no longer there. oh great now what?

.... medicine is making me dizzy.....



will continue tomorrow.



p.s. i broke my iphone. again. FML