Thursday, July 22, 2010


Continued from my last blog...

After I found out there was no Godiva I had to find something productive to do.

John's necklace chain!

I went to many jewelery stores and I just wasn't impressed... by what they offeredand by price. Finally I made my way to Kays. I talked to this tall woman in all red named Patricia. Shehad an accent... Brittish? She was ind in helping me look a chain. She asked what would be going on the chain and without thinking I just gave as blunt of an answer as ever "my fiance'" She startedto laugh. I turned my head to the side. She tried to figure out what I meant. "Oh, so this chain is for your fiance..."

"No, his urn will be a charm on a chain around my neck."

She flashed her eyes up at me and hers were watering faster than mine.

"You poor dear... I empathize with you... oh, what a hard time... tell me this and tell me that." She wanted to know how old he was. How long we were engaged. When I sad 17 days she bursted out with tears.

She then shared her story with me.... how she lost her fiance when se was 21. 6 months before they were to bemarried. He was working on a hotel... it was a Holiday Inn. And he fell. Broke his neck. And that's it. The end with no warning and the end ofthat life for her too. She spent many years along after that and remarried in her late 30s. She has been marrid 10 years. But from the way she reacted you could tell it still affects her. She still grieves for his tragic loss. This has made me more awae of the loss I will be carrying for the rest of my life. She hugged me. We shared tissues and our stories. I showed her pics of John. And by the time we were done the mall was closing down.

I have found another widow. I have found one older with more experience and one that can be an inspiration. I went to my car. Parked in the movie parking lot and cried again...holding the bear again. Squeezing it. I spoke to John. Little words.



I miss you....

I love you....

What else can I say to him? I am sure he is watching me. He is seeing me meet people. He's not surprised. It's my personality. It was OUR personality. We were the couple that when we got newneighbors we bake cupcakes or pies or cookies for them and say "welcome." WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE?!

And then there are times when I feel the need to share my story. I can't get around it. There are triggers. And I need to explain I am not an emotional wreck normally. For instance: today's experience buying a new bed.

I needed both a frame as well as mattress and box springs . A fresh start! The woman, Beth, took me around the room and showed all the beds. She kept asking me questions like "do you need a queen or king?" "do you need something more masculine or feminine?" "who else is in this decision."

I started to cry. It starts with quiet streams. little rivers running down different paths of my nose and cheek. Then she catches on to the answers. and mentions to me "I have been there before..." and I reply "i doubt you share my story."

I fill her in.

3 months ago ON THIS DAY.... A THURSDAY none the less. the 22nd of the month. I lost John. My fiance and my future. and my other half the love of my life.

When we went to look at mattresses we sat down and I laid down on each figuring out which i liked the most. I love soft. I am a side sleeper. It's what I need. John was all about firm. He was a stomach, back sleeper. we had come to the conclussion that we would eventually have to get a sleep number bed. it was the only was we could get the best of both worlds. But here I am. Making decisions for me and no one else. We sat on the bed I chose. She opened up to me. She toldd me about losing her brother. How she was one of eleven children but both her and her brother were adopted from Canada. So they had this close bond.

We cried together and for each other.

My tragedy has sent me in directions like never before. Hearing stories I would have never learned before.

I left. I bought a queen sleigh bed with a pillowstop mattress.

John and I would have left with a king size bed... most like sleigh bed... with a medium mattress. and a couch. and many new things to fill up our love nest. like adults. newlyeds. so in love and excited about all the newness we were about to experience.

But I am left to travel a new path. A bed for one.
A bed my own.

1 comment:

Star said...

Sometimes I hate making all the decisions for just myself and then other times it feels good.

Like you said, you will carry this around the rest of your life. Even at (almost) 2 years out I get surprised at how strong, real, and painful my grief can be. Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. Sometimes it feels like more than 2 years.