emotional bursting

I am a ball of emotions right now.

For so many reasons.

First.
I am laying next to my really hot boyfriend.
no, seriously.
he has a fever.
The bed feels like a sauna.
And I can't tell you how many times I have checked to watch Ryan's chest rise and fall. I mean, this CANNOT be normal. Any NORMAL girl would be like "oh cute I get to play nurse now and take care of my sick baby cakes..."
NO.
That's not me.
My head says "omg omg. check his temperature like 50 times and ask him a million questions about how he feels. get the keys ready if a ER trip is needed."
THAT. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

What I have been through makes me beyond a freak.
Will I ever learn to think positively?
Will I ever stop jumping to bizarre conclusions?
Can I ever just accept that Ryan doesn't feel good? That he just needs fluids and sleep... like most who are sick.

CAN I JUST PLEASE BE NAIVE AGAIN?????
PLEASE.

Besides being a paranoid freak...
I ran across this video on facebook tonight that someone tagged me in. It was a PASIC 2005 drum video that John was in. In fact, the whole video is talking about John. And he's in it.
It caught me off guard.
(like most things do anyway)
I just started crying in the bed (next to sick Ryan)
I wasn't expecting there to be this video... of living and breathing John. He isn't in the video much... but when he is I am completely taken aback.
I feel like I am seeing fiction now when I see videos of him. Like it can't be real. Then it's a smack in the face. He existed. That life existed.
He was mine and I was his.
That was a life we both shared.
And now my life is completely different.


.........

Which brings me to the last element in my emotions for tonight.
LOVE.
I feel love.
I am so much in love with Ryan.
I feel it more and more each day. I feel the ping of sadness when he isn't around and I feel absolutely horrified when he isn't feeling well.
I am even a bit sad I am leaving him for four days on Thursday.
Because I love him.
And not only do I love him... but I love the people in his life.
I honestly didn't know how well his friends would accept me when we first started dating.
And then we realized that many of them weren't around.
Then a fortunate event happened when John's best friend, Steve, moved back to Orlando... and his lovely wife, Natalie!
I have started to bond with both of them and I feel so excited to have additional friends in my life.
Friends that we share.
People that are connected to me and Ryan.
And people that I genuinely love. already. see? I told you once I love someone it's stuck. I love these people. I love Ryan's friends.

And even better... I got to keep a lot of my friends that I made with John.
And his family.
Ryan and I took out John's dad for lunch the other day. I couldn't help but later think in the car (where I do most of my thinking) (besides ansomnia nights in bed) that I am sooooo fortunate to still have that bond.
And I am still loved by them.
AND they love RYAN.
JOHN'S FAMILY LOVES RYAN.




See!
This is why I can't sleep at night.
Because all at once... I don't even know how it happens... my mind/spirit/body fills with worry/remorse/love/excitement/sadness/happiness/fear.
ALL AT ONCE.
And then I feel I may burst.


Who can teach me the ways?
To harness all these emotions?

The Descedants

Tonight I went and saw the Descendants with Ryan.

I have been meaning to see it because I am very much into the oscars and trying to make it a goal to watch as many Oscar nominated films as possible.

And I don't always agree with the nominees.

But I absolutely agree with this one.

It was a unique storyline.... that many people can relate to... especially to those that grieve. 

It had various types of grief in the movie and how different people react to the grief itself but I believe George Clooney did a remarkable job making his grief seem very much real.

In fact I know the movie is good when it can make me uncomfortable. 

Or cry.

And I felt uncomfortable at moments.

And I did indeed cry.

I cried at parts that reminded me of my own loss but also at parts I would have cried at even before John's death.

I have always been a sensitive person.

John loved me for it.

And now Ryan does.

In fact, Ryan knows me so well now he knows EXACTLY when a scene from a movie will hit me. 

So, when the sad scene comes up I have water filling up in my eyes and then from the corners of my eyes I see Ryan... looking at me.

Like he's waiting for it.

As we walked to the car I say "ya know I hate when you stare at me during the sad parts of the movie waiting for me to cry."

"I'm not waiting for you to cry. I love you. You're so sweet."

Ryan just wants to be there for me. 

He just happens to know what things will make the waterworks happen.

And so he waits.

And then I do everything possible to not cry.

To try and prove him wrong.

That I am stronger.

Because I have a weird thing about crying at the movies.

Because what if it gets out of control?

What if I start making those weird "gasping" sounds and sniffing super loud.

And what if it spirals into a full on bawl?

And what if I make Ryan uncomfortable? 

So I squeeze my eyelids real tight and let the small leaks run down my cheeks.

My tears are so hot on my face because I am trying to hold them in so badly.

I force myself to hold it all back.

But once we get in the car....

I kind of let it all go.

Because I am actually not strong at all.

I am still a pretty weak person.

Who feels bad for crying.

Who feels bad sometimes for feeling bad.

You'll Never Walk Alone

I can't remember when I first started loving this song... I believe it was before I met John. Actually I know it was.

It's from the musical "Carousel." If you have never heard it please listen:

MYNWA

or listen to the Madison scouts version:

Madison Scouts

...but I know I love this song. one of my favorite musical songs of ALL TIME. All time.

The words are just perfect. And there isn't much to it really... but it really is a song to listen to in all times in your life. I remember one time in John's car (we had been dating around a year maybe... maybe more) it was my turn to choose music. I was going to put in a CD.... carousel. And of course i skipped right to my favorite part. As the music began john started to get choked up. And then he was crying. he asked me to take the cd out. the song had so much meaning to him from when he marched with Madison scouts. I never played it again in his presence. I was so surprised about the reaction it gave him. i knew john was emotional but that was the ONLY song that I ever saw him cry over.

So, I bought the musical carousel. although i love the music i had never seen the musical itself. it's kind of weird in a way.... this girl falls in love with this really not so awesome guy. like he's mean to her and he steals... and in the end he gets to somewhat redeem himself (even after smacking his daughter when he is an angel). anyway, the music is amazing.

why do the lyrics speak to me?

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone

So, there you have it. Simple yet completely true.

I often sometimes feel like i am still walking alone. even with the new addition in my life (boyfriend) i do feel like i am holding back as far as letting him know how much attention i need.

everyone is different when they are upset.

some run from their problems.

some lock it deep inside and never let another soul in.

some turn on themselves or others.

i run... to someone's arms. those arms once belonged to john. he would hold me and kiss my head and let me know "i am always in your corner." john had my back constantly. constantly. there was never any question about anything. he was on my side. and he loved me through thick and thin.

my fear now is will current bf be able to do the same?

i know he is not john. i know he is different and unique in his own way.... but i am so nervous to let him see the sad, depressed side of me. when i have a break down i really want to pick up the phone and call him. and then think twice because i risk scaring him away. magically, he hasn't been swayed yet. he's strong. and considerate.

im going to go ahead and say he's awesome.

because he is.

and i never doubted it.

but i want to be the same in his eyes. i feel bad for the things i carry with me. like my burden has now turned into OUR burden. i don't even know why i use the word burden. maybe... tragedy. what happened was a tragedy. a hurdle in my life. ok, no a hurdle. a big fucking mountain. volcano. with oozing lava. yes, hurdle my ass.

will boyfriend ever wish "man, i should have dated someone a little more normal..."

because i know i am not your average girl anymore.

i am now included in this small category. the category most men would run away from.

i guess i still find it hard that someone could love me again.

if he does love me. i mean, eventually. maybe. what??

ugh.

WHERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS TO DATING AFTER LOSING????

Can someone please tell me.

Can i get some answers pronto please?

why do i have to do this on my own?

with my crazy brain.

which has only gotten crazier since i am weening myself off Paxil.

I am at 10mg now. and in a few more days I am going off completely!! which is scary. but by then i hope boyfriend will be there to comfort me through.

he is pretty comforting already. and so understanding.

the other day in the car i told him the story. the story of April 22.

he sat and listened the whole time. holding my hand and rubbing my arm. i did a pretty good job of not crying. i told the story as if it has been imprinted on my tongue. and it just rolls off. i try not to think of it deeply. unless i am alone. i got misty at the end. and when i looked at him he wasn't opening his car door and jumping out. he was still ok. he was still attracted to me. he still liked me. and that makes it much better.

blank canvas

I have the smell of oil paint on my hands. It's been awhile...

I remember i used to paint all the time when I was in college and when I moved to Orlando. I painted so much that eventually john got into it too. His paintings were also so different from mine. sharp shapes and bold colors. prominent use of black. i was all about blending and creating a wide variety of shades... wispy brush strokes... no clear lines. I was carefree.... John took his paintings very seriously. so funny. because in life we were opposite. i took things seriously and John had the relaxed carefree side. art was a different story. except music. because drumming was so freaking natural to him it disgusted me!

The only thing that got in the way of our painting was the price of canvases!!!

But there has been this one canvas.

It's been blank for almost 3 years now.

John got it from a restaurant that was doing a painting competition. He knew we wouldn't compete.... but it was a free canvas... and we knew how valuable it was. We kept the canvas on the kitchen table. It became sort of a joke. it was our "art." Just a plain white canvas. As we have moved from place to place and as I moved here to my apartment... the canvas has traveled with me. When I opened my closet it would mock me. blank. and needing a story. a color.

I have been thinking of this canvas. and what i should be doing with it.

it was easy.

i would paint something for john. a memorial to him. something he would want me to paint.

a sunset.

not just any sunset.... but one of his sunsets. i knew exactly where to find one.

i went into my computer and searched through John's cell phone pictures. I found a few sunset pics. John, despite the tough guy he appeared to be, had a very soft sweet interior. And for some reason he loved sunsets. more so than a sunrise. He would takes multiple pictures of them... on his way home from work, out on the dock, on airplanes, on vacation. i found one he had taken on the lake behind his parents house. filled with an array of blues. this is the one i decided to paint.

I started the base today.

the whole canvas is now covered in blues.

it's no longer blank.

the canvas john meant for me to paint over 3 years ago... and I finally got to it.

it was relaxing to do.

I have had a stressful day.

I went to the gynocologist. ( I know, gross). it's been a year. a year ago I was bragging about how I was close to engagement with the love of my life. i had no worries. i was completely happy.

then i returned back in may for sleeping pills. the doctor i had seen wrote down what had happened and so when I saw my usual doctor today she read through my chart and furrowed her eyebrows. Before I had even went into the room I started to have an anxiety attack. something about the office was bothering me. maybe because I had often taken John with me when I would get my shots to protect against HPV. it was free after all. but the shots hurt a lot and I never wanted to go alone. And John went with me... to the gynocologist.... such a brave man. he didn't care. as I have said many times before.. all to make me happy.

Let me tell you i havent had an anxiety attack in awhile so I had left my clonapin at home. i had to just push through it. my palms started sweating, my body shaking, my heart rate shot through the roof and my blood pressure went up. I explained to her what was happening and she completely understood. but why? why at the doctor's office?

because this is the place where i once said "why do I need to get the HPV shot? I only will have one partner..." and she replied "You never know..."

I remember how offended I was. How dare she say that!

I hadn't thought that John would die. Especially not but a few months later.

Now I am back at the doctor's office. And I thought by this time back I would be discussing about preparing for a baby. Not even close.

So. doctors office was a trigger today.

unexpected. unpredictable.

but. it happened.

now my arm muscles are sore (one of the post attack problems i get) and my head is aching from my cry fest when i got back to my car.

These triggers are wearing me down.

I have been extra emotional these past two weeks.

wasn't 2011 supposed to get better????

Yesterday I went and had dinner with Lisa and Jeff.
Lisa is the fiance' of one of John's best friend's, Tim.
Jeff was also one of John's closest friends.
The wedding I spoke of before in December... that is Lisa and Tim's wedding. And John was supposed to be in it. A groomsman. And I would have been his wife by then.
The dinner was nice. We all sat around and chatted about our lives. Jeff is about to go on tour with the Blue Man Group for like 9 months. He will com home for the wedding but other than that he will be on the road for awhile. I plan on seeing one of his shows. (mainly the one that goes to Raleigh although I swear I am going to the one in Hawaii too :)
Lisa is planning her wedding. She is actually have her rehearsal dinner at the place we ate, Bahama Breeze.
I would be in this process with her. I would be ahead of her... because I HAD to have a fall wedding. It was mandatory for me. An Autumn wedding for Autumn. John knew my reason. He thought it was silly at first but honestly he just wanted to please me so went along with it. He went along with most things. He always wanted me to be happy. If it made me happy. It was ok with him.
After dinner I gave some of John's things to Jeff. I have done this with a few of John's friends. It hasn't been hard. I don't mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel sort of good. Because I know that if one of my friend's died I would want that stuff too. Stuff that had meaning. I have been trying to find meaningful stuff to pass on. I gave Jeff some drum sticks, a drum, and John's drum corps/marine corps back pack to take with him on tour. That back pack meant probably the most. John loved it. It was heavy duty too. All my drum corps back packs were torn and ragged by the end of tour but this one always looked in great shape.
After Jeff left sat in my car and cried.
I grabbed the bear that Christina gave me and hugged it and cried. And I cried LOUD. No one could hear me. This is the first LOUD crying I have done in some time now. Because with always having people around I try to maintain my crying as much as possible. Even though I do cry everytime. I try and cry with control. But I can only take so much.
Then I decided to go to the mall. To wait on Andrea and Kelly for a movie. Because we needed one.

This is also part of a "vow" we have made with each other.
We have promised that we will do at least 1 fun thing a day forever. And I think so far we have achieved it. Andrea said we aren't allowed to go to sleep until we do. Sometimes it's playing a game together like Andrea's favorite... Bananagrams. Or sometimes it's swimming, or watching our favorite Tv shows together.. or going out for dinner. Last night was movie date.

And being the punctual women they are (not) we had to go to a later show. So, here I am wandering the mall... and all I can think about is "well, atleast I can get my free piece of Godiva chocolate while I am here!" And of course I find out that it is no longer there. oh great now what?

.... medicine is making me dizzy.....



will continue tomorrow.



p.s. i broke my iphone. again. FML

cough. cry. repeat.

I have a cold. it sucks.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.

then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.

I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.

today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.

Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.

Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry

I will get this done.
I WILL.

between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.


Lorien,
I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.

Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.

to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.

john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.