Monday, January 30, 2012

The Descedants

Tonight I went and saw the Descendants with Ryan.
I have been meaning to see it because I am very much into the oscars and trying to make it a goal to watch as many Oscar nominated films as possible.
And I don't always agree with the nominees.
But I absolutely agree with this one.
It was a unique storyline.... that many people can relate to... especially to those that grieve. 
It had various types of grief in the movie and how different people react to the grief itself but I believe George Clooney did a remarkable job making his grief seem very much real.
In fact I know the movie is good when it can make me uncomfortable. 
Or cry.
And I felt uncomfortable at moments.
And I did indeed cry.
I cried at parts that reminded me of my own loss but also at parts I would have cried at even before John's death.
I have always been a sensitive person.
John loved me for it.
And now Ryan does.
In fact, Ryan knows me so well now he knows EXACTLY when a scene from a movie will hit me. 
So, when the sad scene comes up I have water filling up in my eyes and then from the corners of my eyes I see Ryan... looking at me.
Like he's waiting for it.
As we walked to the car I say "ya know I hate when you stare at me during the sad parts of the movie waiting for me to cry."
"I'm not waiting for you to cry. I love you. You're so sweet."

Ryan just wants to be there for me. 
He just happens to know what things will make the waterworks happen.
And so he waits.

And then I do everything possible to not cry.
To try and prove him wrong.
That I am stronger.

Because I have a weird thing about crying at the movies.
Because what if it gets out of control?
What if I start making those weird "gasping" sounds and sniffing super loud.
And what if it spirals into a full on bawl?
And what if I make Ryan uncomfortable? 

So I squeeze my eyelids real tight and let the small leaks run down my cheeks.
My tears are so hot on my face because I am trying to hold them in so badly.
I force myself to hold it all back.

But once we get in the car....

I kind of let it all go.
Because I am actually not strong at all.

I am still a pretty weak person.
Who feels bad for crying.
Who feels bad sometimes for feeling bad.

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