Tuesday, July 6, 2010

cough. cry. repeat.

I have a cold. it sucks.
I have been coughing so hard that my ribs are starting to hurt. hopefully i won't bruise/fracture them... which I have been known to do.
Today was the first full day that me and the girls have had in Orlando to take our first step into our new lives. We started with a meeting with Mike Parks.... which I found productive. Hopefully something good will come from it. We just got to make sure we stay on our toes.
Next was lunch. Which I didn't eat. My eating habits suck lately. Which is why it is weird to hear people say "you look good." Because I am literally losing weight from depression.
I guess this is the one good thing that comes out of it. As I have heard Star call it... "the widow diet."
Andi came over today. I missed her. I enjoyed her company. I could talk to her for HOURS. she gets me. and i get her. we understand the hell that each of us has to endure.. and we want to be there for each other. and we will be. for quite sometime.
Tonight we went to a movie with Allison Culbert. we also ate dinner.
i want to see my friends so badly but i have to cut back on things that cost money because I am literally dwindling down to nothing.
And it's only going to get worse. I got a hospital bill the other day on top of my car insurance. I paid off my car payment for the month.

then i came home and went into john's dad's room to chat. our chats go in circles. they all float around the topic that we both know is there. It's John. it's always John.
but john's dad said that I can't do this anymore. i can't come to the room and cry to him anymore. because he cant help me. i need someone professional. we are too weak for each other. i know he is sstruggling too. this isn't a battle of who is suffering more. i lost the love of my life. he lost his baby son. we are stuck in the same ocean. dividing in different boats.
i must have said sorry to john's dad 5 times. who knows why. what do I have to be sorry for? i feel sorry that when we see each other... we make each other feel worse because we see john in each other. besides the whole house being a reminder of john... I am a walking reminder of him. what is future had to hold. could of. would have.
fucking should have.

I felt punched in the stomach when John's dad told me to stop crying and we have to start moving on. I felt like this can't be happening. I am falling behind. everyone else is moving faster. everyone wants to feel better. i want to feel better too. i really do.
john used to make me feel good. he would know the right words. he would take care of me. thats what we did for each other.
for instance: this cold.
he would have been taking care of me every step of the way. and bickering at me at my excessive coughing that keeps him awake at night and hurts my ribs.
I am glad the girls are here. it was nice to have them in the room after i spoke when johns dad. they let me go to the bathroom and cry. heave and vomit in the toilet. and go to the closet to cry some more.
then when I was ready. they were there. to hug me. to rub my back and my feet and my hands and grab me water and make tea.
I love them. I know what I am getting into here. I know it won't be perfect. We'll fight and bitch and have our moments. But those moments will be nothing compared to the great ones we have. the laughter and inside jokes and staying up watching our favorite movies.

today walking into a deli a woman pointed out that we had the same purse. She then eyed all three of us walking in together and was like "OH MY GOD!!! YOU ARE TRIPLETS?!"
We all three just said yes.
She totally believed us.
It was like the second time this has happened. and we will be saying yes from now on. I was always their triplet anyway. Might as well just go with the flow here.

Tomorrow I am going over my FCAT scores for my TIF grant.
I am praying my students did well so I can get my incentive check. An extra $4,000 would really help out a lot with this whole transition period in my life.

Tomorrow I need to cross things off my list. I think I only checked off one thing. That isn't good enough and that isnt like me. SO. tomorrow my goal is three things off the list.
- pay bills
- get internet fixed upstairs
- do laundry

I will get this done.

between FCAT shit and looking at two possible places to live with the twins.

I got your gift today. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to me.
Your card will go with all the ones I have collected. I need a nice box to place them in. The journal is next to my bed. i will use it for when I need to write down dreams quickly.

Andrea and Kelly:
thanks for being here with me. thanks for holding my hand and taking those first steps with me into OUR new lives. God has a plan. We can do this together.

to everyone else:
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i want to be strong. but i can't do it alone.
i will be resilient. I will do what it takes. to keep John's memories alive. his positive ones. the ones that I know will make me smile and not cry. ok, they will.

john memory of the night:
Today I was getting ice cream and your have your options for toppings. I could pick out John's right away. I stared at them. Reeses pieces. HE LOVED REESES PIECES. and if those were unavailable it would be chunks of peanut butter cups. sometimes he would mix it up. pieces of brownie. heath bar. snickers.
but if he could pick something first. reeses pieces.


Star said...

UCF Psychology Clinic was my savior. It is income based so I only paid about $2 per session per week. They are doctoral students being supervised by licensed practitioners. It was an awesome experience. Just google it and call them.

Autumn said...

Thanks. I will look into it tomorrow.