Wednesday, May 18, 2011

fight or flight

fight or flight is a response to stress in animals.
an animal can choose to fight it's stress or flee from it.
a zebra will most likely choose to run when a lion is nearby.
a human may choose to hit another person when they feel threatened by them.

for me... when my stress goes up... my anxiety goes WAY up.
and then i have an urge of "flight or flight."
Lately all I want to do is run away from my stress. Or run to Ryan.
When I found out I lost my job I quickly got in my car... cried the whole way home.. and ran into Ryan's arms when I got there.
When my roommates piss me off I quickly go to my room and shut the door. I don't want to see their stupid faces and the messes they make and won't clean up. I don't want to argue anymore. Or fight about it... because it's not worth my time anymore. THEY are not worth my time anymore. I just want to avoid it.
Sometimes I feel a panic inside of me when I haven't heard from Ryan for a few hours. Even when he is a at work. I have literally had thoughts in my head to go get into my car and drive to his work. I have had to resist urges to show up at his work just to make sure he was there and ok. That's just weird.
and I know I sound like a lunatic when i come up with these thoughts. and i know what i am thinking isn't rational. it's just weird.
ryan tells me CONSTANTLY that he loves me. yet, I long to hear it all the time. It's like I need to know at all times that Ryan loves me. And does he still love me 5 minutes later? Why yes, yes he does.
I know a big part of this stems from my trauma.
In fact, it may all stem from that.
and i really think i have worked hard to make sure it doesnt interfere with my life. but i am afraid one day it will bite me in the ass.
what's gonna happen if one day i flee?
and i just leave my job because the stress has gotten to me?
or whatever crazy things my brain wants me to do.
i am so nervous about having to maintain myself like this.
i am longing for the day where i can live each day with low impact of stress and full capability of breathing. long sighing breaths of air. the day where my job is secure. the day where Ryan and I find a place together and we no longer have to live with slobs.
Slobs that, let me tell you, had the audacity to ask us to buy them more coffee when we used it like a couple times yet they used ALL my paper towels, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. etc. Now why the hell do you think I should go out and buy you coffee?! Just selfish.
I mean, who the hell deserves this?
I can't even come home stress free because I have to face THAT.
I can't even consider this a home.
It's where I live.

I am waiting for my home.
at the end of June. you can tell... I am a bit pissed off right now at my situation.
I can't get a break no matter what.
and i have tried the positive outlook. i have tried the pissed off at life outlook... everything seems to come out the same.


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