Wednesday, February 9, 2011

sigh of relief

After 9 months of searching.... and getting let down... and struggling....

I have a roommate.
Her name is Kelley.
She is fantastic and sweet! We have always gotten alone great and I think we both made a great decision to live with each other.
I can already feel the burden being lifted off my shoulders.
Even though for this first month it will get costly (I paid for the movers and we are splitting her breaking her lease)... it will pay off in the end..

Many people are comfortable with living on their own.
With being alone.
I am not one of those.
I like having the company of others. And I am ok with this.
And I guess you might call me dependent. Ok.
it's not just about company but also for the sake of not drowning in debt while trying to still get back on my feet after losing John. I still am a bit wobbly. I am still adjusting... I still experience new things everyday.
And can you believe this.... I am STILL getting emails from people that have not heard of John's death. Every once in awhile I get a message or an email from a friend shocked and confused. (welcome to my world.)
I think once I got engaged many people thought that was that and didn't notice the fairy tale came to a close all too soon.

I am going to bed early tonight.
I have been getting awful sleep.
Last night I finally fell asleep at 3am and woke up EVERY HOUR until 7.
I could barely function today. And tomorrow is a Thursday. I loathe.
It's my least favorite part of the week.

I had a dream a couple nights ago.
John and I decided to skip out on an extravagant wedding. I think we knew our time together was short. So, we ran down to this beach. I was in a wedding gown. It was simple. Not quite my taste. John was in khakis, a button down shirt and sneakers. lol. This doesn't surprise me :)
We exchanged vows and rings. I saw John's ring. It was gold. Just like he wanted.
We were married and I was happy. I didn't need a fancy wedding after all. I just needed him. A dream like that is hard to wake up from. I feel like it really happened. Like we had a chance to finally take our vows. in my dream.

it's time for sleep.
more to do tomorrow....
teaching, painting, classing, writing, washing, driving....

1 comment:

Emma said...

I am so glad you have a roommate and I agree, I think the initial costs you have had will be well worth it. I like to have people around as well, not much of a fan of a quiet house...once in a while is okay but not every night, I can see why you wanted someone there. I hope it goes well and you both have a lot of fun and learn from one another along the way.
Your dream sounds amazing, and I think maybe John had a hand in it showing you that although the big day didn't happen in reality, you are still his wife, and he your husband, in all other respects (and that is all that matters!).
Hugs, Em