Thursday, February 10, 2011

stuck.

Im starting to feel like I am in a bit of a rut.
I know, how could I? I just had a good thing happen. Kelley has moved in and I can finally ease up on my finances. And also have company when times get lonely. I love it already. Today I came home to cooked pizza... and she also bought hummus and watermelon. HOLY CRAP. Two of my favorite foods!!
but. as far as just my life in general... im sort of stuck.
i am getting antsy.
I have a big travel bug.
it's actually a problem.
i have to get away. often. and far.
i need that time.
i like to explore. i love adventure. i like seeing different places. touching history. mingling with the locals and learning culture.
i want to go. i want to go now.
work is starting to pick up. MPA is next month and the musical rehearsals have begun. the pressure and stress has set in.
spring break is far away. and this may be a good thing because i dont have anything planned. if i go into spring break without any plans i will be very depressed. the last thing i want to do is just stay here for a week sitting on the couch and watching multiple episodes of "Ghost Whisperer." ha.
(sadly this is what i have been doing lately)
there are so many places i would like to go visit. it just feels odd if i visit them alone.
it's like i feel guilt for john not getting to experience these trips with me. if i ever take another one.
i guess this is when i say how thankful i am for the trip to europe we had two summers ago! what perfect timing in our lives and what memories we created. i dont think i will ever have an opportunity like that again.
with the way my life is turning out financially.... i can go ahead and wave it goodbye.
and i dont know if i would be able to handle it alone.


3 comments:

Michelle said...

Autumn...John would be there with you on the trips. Whenever I feel, wish my mom was here to see this or that or my grandmother, I remember that she is there with me all the time.

We need to get together sometime, I have an adventure bug also :)

Love you...keep your chin up!

Emma said...

I can't imagine the feelings you are going through, wondering what to do next, which step to take but I truly believe you will make the right decision when the time is right. I know the guilt of doing things without John must be overwhelming sometimes but please remember he would want you to do anything and everything that makes you happy, I am sure the best thing for him is to see a smile on your face...and if travelling brings that to you then more power to you, get planning!! Your love for him, and his for you, is evident and I know that it will carry on forever, and what do you want for someone when you love them that much?....happiness, in any form, even if it is by laying on a beach, walking around a new city, exploring...any way, anytime, just a smile.
Thinking of you. Ems

Ginger said...

I can understand your guilt about travelling, but I think it's unfair for you to put so much on yourself. Yes, John would want you to be happy in whatever you do and especially to keep doing the things that you find joy in. It may seem hard at first, but I'm sure you will have no regrets in the end. Enjoy life.