A friend once wrote to me:
"I long for the day when you no longer write in your blog because that will mean you are fully healed.."
Touche.
Alas, I do not blog as much as I used to... but sometimes I feel the need to.
And tonight is one of those nights.
It's not a reflection of my healing process. It is just something that I want to do.
It is now 2014. And that is unbelievable.
In 86 days I will be marrying Ryan and I am super thrilled about it.
I am also super cautious.
I feel that if I over celebrate the occasion that something bad will happen... but I really do feel like this is going to finally be happening for me. I get to marry a great guy and start my life as a wife. I am so thankful God has given me this opportunity to love again. And I have to say I am proud of myself for not giving up.
I gave life and love a second chance and it was worth the risk.
As we enter into new years everyone feels the urge to set resolutions. With Facebook being such a staple in everyone's lives we also feel the urge to share these with others. Whether to have some accountability or to just excessively brag about the BIG EXCITING things that make us so awesomely awesome. (there's sarcasm, behold!)
I think deciding to wait until January 1st to start making changes is a little bullshit... but if you need to set a goal for that date it's better then never at all.. so whatever. I actually started mine earlier. I started them as soon as they came up in my head (because why wait?) and then Ryan asked me to share some for the new year and I was like... "crap. um. uh..."
Get married? Isn't that a big resolution? Change my last name and start working on a family, yes? But there's so much more... and I will now share with you my RAW version of my resolutions for 2014. (p.s. these are very hard. and i don't know if most of them will be successful... but I won't facebook sugar coat things for you like everyone else)
Ok... lets start with this whole marriage thing :)
I want to be a good bride. i don't want to yell at my bridesmaids or make ridiculous requests... i want to avoid bridezilla completely. i want to be pleasant and sweet. i want to relax on my wedding day and let people in charge take control.
I want to be a good wife.
i want to accept that I am going to be able to marry Ryan and we have a chance to create our own happily ever after and that the people around us are supportive.
And if for some reason there are people who aren't supportive they have to go.
because they aren't worth my time.
speaking of that... i want to resolve to stop waiting for others to re-build bridges with me. if others chose to stop staying connected to me for some reason (especially those who stopped talking to me after John died) then I have to move on and not wait for them.
I am in no way burning the bridge. I just will move on from it completely.
Your move, by the way... those of you who have slipped away silently in the shadows.
I want to focus on those who care about me.
I want to give attention to those who have supported me and who still support me day to day. The real friends who never gave up on me... even though I am a crazy roller coaster of emotions girl.
The friends who are honest with me. The friends who realize that I am more than what my bitchy features might have you feel I am. ha.
I want to be a better friend. I want to call people more often, i want to physically write letters and i want to make an effort to visit friends more often.
I want to stop envying what other people have. (and realize most of it is just others trying to show off on facebook).
I want to dig deep inside of myself whenever i start feeling bad for things i do not have and remind myself of what i do have.
remind myself how shitty i felt in 2010 and how i begged for the life i have now.
and how i got it.
and how even without trips to bowl games, or the ability to get promotions, or fantastical "2 year plans" , or being pregnant, or extravagant weddings, or crazy expensive yearly trips around the world, or having my wedding completely paid for, or raises, or new houses, etc. etc. ... that I am ALIVE and breathing and in love!!! I am somewhere I did not think I would ever be at again.
And even though I am now officially in debt from this wedding... I get to have a wedding. And I don't mind paying off credit cards for an event with all my favorite people that ISN'T a funeral.
I want to not let facebook determine my happiness or success in life.
i want to use it to keep in touch with friends and family and loved ones and not seek out things that are going to make me sad or mad.
and if people aren't good for me then they need to go.
(already started this process)
i want to love myself by taking care of myself.
that means eating right and being active.
not thinking of being on a "diet."
I want to continue to build back my relationship with God... cause lets be honest. Things got rocky when I lost John.
And even though at this point being a Christian isn't so popular I want to stand up for my faith, attend a church and pray.
I want to pray even when I am not asking for something. I want to pray just to say thank you. And I want to pray for others.
I want to enjoy life while I am young. And realize I STILL AM YOUNG. (despite what the number of candles tell me).
I want to tell people to shut up when they say I have plenty of time to travel when i am older (because we all have learned a lesson from this blog... and that is "you never know...") and if I want to hop on a plane and go somewhere I will.
Because why not?
And I want to smile more.
The world could use more smiles.
The world could use more pleasant people and positivity.
I need to be that light.
And I don't need a date on a calendar to tell me when to start.
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Sunday, January 1, 2012
You say you want to make a resolution?
I can't stand watching the facebook status updates on Dec. 31.
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"
...
it's pretentious.
I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!
And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)
So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.
As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.
Some resolutions:
1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.
By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...
2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.
3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.
4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.
5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.
6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.
7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.
In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.
My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).
And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.
Cecilia is ready to ring in the new year...
All of a sudden everyone becomes more enlightened... they have it "figured out" and also feel the need to give out unwanted advice. Or act too good for resolutions...
One of my biggest peeves is those who make statements like "why do you wait until Jan. 1 to make a resolution? you can start anytime... blah blah blah"
...
it's pretentious.
I mean, give people a little credit for TRYING to make a resolution for goodness sake!
And if it wasn't people getting all hot and bothered about other's resolutions it was people bitching about their 2011.
It sucks for widows to read statuses where people have nothing to do but complain about horrible their year was. People that got married, that have beautiful and healthy children, people who have AMAZING high paying jobs, people who are perfectly healthy, etc.
No one that had been widowed complained about their year.
Even though they probably had the shittiest years of all.
Most of them were probably smarter than me and stayed off of facebook anyway. Facebook, as I have mentioned before, has always been a weakness of mine and I am gradually learning how to balance it out and not take things personal.
Until yesterday.
When everyone's status made my blood boil
And so I have started cleaning out my facebook.
I have deleted people (yes) and I have mostly unsubscribed from people who do nothing but post nonsense that i really could care less about.
Pictures of them getting ready for the club, statuses of constant frustration, people that only quote lyrics or films, etc. etc.
All hidden from view now :)
So, I think that was one positive step to start this new year for sure.
As for my resolutions... I do have them. Call it cliche or whatever but everyone deserves a fresh start. The new year just may give people a chance to find page one.
My thing is... give people the chance.
And here is my chance.
2012 will be MY year.
A positive, blessed year.
And one that I know I have to be in control of.... for the most part.
Some resolutions:
1) LOSE THE FREAKING WEIGHT.
I am once again officially the heaviest I have ever been.
it's just getting annoying.
mainly because I control it and I am well aware of it.
I eat like crap and I don't exercise. So, at least I know how to fix the problem. I am aware that what I am currently doing (which is nothing) is the wrong thing and all I need to do is go opposite of that and I will see results.
Minor fixes: drink more water, eat out less.
Major fixes: join a gym, take yoga, change eating habits completely.
By the summer I would love to be down 20 lbs or more.
Perhaps I should set up a separate small blog dedicated to that journey... anyone know how to do that?????
like... ya know... a tab up top where it would link to my other blogs?
which leads me to the next resolution (which these are in no order at all)...
2) Fix my blog.
It's outdated. and kind of dark...
and need expansions to fit me expanding my life.
I would love to add a section on other aspects of my life in addition to my grief journey... as well as a special section where ryan can write once a week.
so, I am currently in the market for someone to "pimp my blog."
Or... a blog designer.
If you have any suggestions please let me know.
remember: i am a teacher and a widow. money is tight.
3) Figure out finances.
Living paycheck to paycheck is getting old.
Ryan and I have come up with some ideas to try and get out finances better figured out for the year 2012... and one of the goals being for Ryan to pursue a job other than Universal and to get into law school. If he goes to school that will be his full time "job" and I will try to make ends meet on the other end. No matter what I need to get out of debt. My debt isn't much compared to many out there... but enough to make me not like it. Paying off my car and credit card this year is on the top of my list. I just came across the app called mint.com!! I highly recommend it to everyone that is interested in money management. I am kind of obsessed with it. It helps you budget out your fiances and gives you warnings when you go near budget or over it and also offers advice. I check it daily. The best part is that Ryan and I linked our bank accounts ( yes, already) and we are budgeting as a couple and not as individuals. So it takes into account both our ... well... accounts.
4) God/church/bible
Ryan and I have already concluded we need to 1) establish a church 2) pray DAILY 3) read the Bible
One of my favorite things to do with Ryan is pray together. it's a special thing we do at least once a month where we hold hands in bed and pray outloud for each other. It is especially helpful when I am feeling anxious. There is something about coming together and speaking to God as a couple that makes everything seem so much better. It really does put me at ease.
As for church ... the problem we seem to be coming across is the fact that I am non-denominational and ryan is catholic. We don't necessarily always agree on where to go for service. I don't care that he is Catholic at all. I just tend to get bored in Catholic services (not to mention mean glares when I take communion at a Catholic wedding and do not do the whole cross my head, heart thing). So, we might just have to compromise on this one.
5) Get creative!
My creative juices have really been flowing lately! There is soooo much I want to do but of course things that keep me from doing it... money and time being the prime suspects. So, I am going to try and set aside one day a week to do something "crafty." Either by myself or with a friend. Doing crafts (or baking, cooking) really helps me release tension and I am hoping that I can also use craft skills to bless others when it comes time to birthdays, parties, etc. I mean, I always love getting handmade things from people... so I am sure others would like that too.
6) Fall in love every day.
I want to continue the relationship I have with Ryan in the direction that we are going and never take advantage of a single moment.
Widows get a big appreciation at a second shot at love.
We take advantage of every moment, big or small.
We want to make memories everyday. Photos at every event, saying "yes" to any invitations, road trips whenever possible... we want to make sure we live our new lives to the fullest.
I am hoping that everyone would do this.... and not have to be a widow to learn to do so. Luckily, I have always lived by that mantra.
7) Family and Friends
2011 brought me closer to a lot of people.
Sadly, I lost a few friendships along the way. Some have not completely disappeared. They have faded. They still linger there but are not the same as they were before.
Now i have new ones to work on.
New people to care for and love.
And there is always my family... who I always feel the need to stay connected with as possible. The longer time goes by the farther apart everyone spreads so keeping in touch has been a challenge. I want to try and visit EVERYONE this year. i feel bad because Kristi was once again left out... mainly because she is the most expensive to visit. So, I want to make sure she becomes a priority.
In June Ryan and I wrote a list of goals.
We got to review them and edit them tonight.
After 6 months we accomplished a little... but not as much as I wanted to.
I will perhaps post them sometime this week... they are our "official" resolutions. I can then continue to track them and watch to see if we obtain the goals we are setting out for ourselves.
My advice to everyone is... go ahead and make a resolution.
Don't worry about what those pretentious people say about you not having to do it on Jan 1. I think Jan 1 is a fine day to make a resolution. (not to mention it's easier to track). (not to mention it's easier to obtain things like finances and weight management now that the holidays are over).
And here is to the year 2012....
may it be filled with happiness, health and love... lots and lots of love.
Friday, December 31, 2010
So this is the new year?
"So this is the new year? But I don't feel any different..."
-death cab for a cutie
It's 2011. This is a time I had been waiting for. It was supposed to start feeling better, right? But I have tricked myself again. Really it's just another day. I just have to start writing it differently on paper. Nothing has sped time up to get me past my grief. I am still here. I am still very much in pain and nothing makes you realize it more than ending a bad year without the one who could have made it all better. While the world clinked their glasses of champagne I watched with weepy eyes Dick Clark count down the seconds to what I feel should be my fresh start. I had water in my hand (I had already had enough to drink by this point). I felt bad for Dick Clark. Then I felt bad for myself. Pity party, table of one.
Thank goodness I had people here with me. I wouldn't have allowed myself to be alone. But honestly I don't know if ringing in a new year is going to make the difference yet. Because I still have to go through a lot of firsts still. And one day doesn't magically make it go away. But. I guess I can get in a different mind set.
I, like many, have my resolutions.
I am going to list them now. And I want to own up to them. I hate that I had to wait for Jan. 1st to start resolutions. I know you can make a choice to change your life any day of the year. But, I figured I needed a break.
1) Take care of ME- 2011 is all about ME, ME, ME. I am going to make myself HAPPY in any way possible. That means I may have to change some things about myself and try new life styles. But, so be it. That means I am going to start taking care of my body. I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy and feel comfortable in my clothes. I am going to join weight watchers again and start exercising.
2) Explore new things- I have already started with photography. Now, what I need is something else to keep me fairly busy. I wish I could afford more than I can currently. I wish I could take dance lessons or painting classes. Who knows, I am up for anything.
3) Work on myself emotionally- This part is going to take TIME. I am going to still allow myself to grieve daily and also allow myself to take in the happy. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy the pleasures in life.
4) I want to get off the meds!!!- Goodbye, Paxil. I am very dissapointed I ever started on medication. Although I do feel like it helped with the process it has numbed me. Not to mention ruined any of chance of me having an orgasm. (oops, did i just say that? lol)
5) Stay close to those who care- I want to stay close to my friends. I want to keep in better touch with them, call them, meet up with them, etc. My friends are my life support. If I lose them, I lose myself.
6) Get out of debt- being in debt only adds to the depression. It's another thing on my plate I don't want to worry about. I currently am about $6,000 in debt ( which I know is not a lot comapred to many) and I want it to be zero by the end of the year. I think I can do it. The first step is being taken tomorrow... by cutting up my credit cards (well. all but one. my emergency card. THAT I WILL USE FOR EMERGENCIES)
7) Love- I will love others and myself
8) Get sleep- honestly. I need this more than I thought. I want to be able to sleep in the dark without a light on... although that might take some time I think it will improve my sleep patterns.
9) Remember John- As if I could forget. I want to keep him remembered by all and honor the love we had.
10) Pray- I need to connect more and have a stronger relationship with God. I need to dive into the Word more often, try to attend church when I can, and pray daily.
I think all these resolutions are obtainable and reasonable. And I really think they will make 2011 a better year.
I guess anything can be better than 2010.
-death cab for a cutie
It's 2011. This is a time I had been waiting for. It was supposed to start feeling better, right? But I have tricked myself again. Really it's just another day. I just have to start writing it differently on paper. Nothing has sped time up to get me past my grief. I am still here. I am still very much in pain and nothing makes you realize it more than ending a bad year without the one who could have made it all better. While the world clinked their glasses of champagne I watched with weepy eyes Dick Clark count down the seconds to what I feel should be my fresh start. I had water in my hand (I had already had enough to drink by this point). I felt bad for Dick Clark. Then I felt bad for myself. Pity party, table of one.
Thank goodness I had people here with me. I wouldn't have allowed myself to be alone. But honestly I don't know if ringing in a new year is going to make the difference yet. Because I still have to go through a lot of firsts still. And one day doesn't magically make it go away. But. I guess I can get in a different mind set.
I, like many, have my resolutions.
I am going to list them now. And I want to own up to them. I hate that I had to wait for Jan. 1st to start resolutions. I know you can make a choice to change your life any day of the year. But, I figured I needed a break.
1) Take care of ME- 2011 is all about ME, ME, ME. I am going to make myself HAPPY in any way possible. That means I may have to change some things about myself and try new life styles. But, so be it. That means I am going to start taking care of my body. I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy and feel comfortable in my clothes. I am going to join weight watchers again and start exercising.
2) Explore new things- I have already started with photography. Now, what I need is something else to keep me fairly busy. I wish I could afford more than I can currently. I wish I could take dance lessons or painting classes. Who knows, I am up for anything.
3) Work on myself emotionally- This part is going to take TIME. I am going to still allow myself to grieve daily and also allow myself to take in the happy. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy the pleasures in life.
4) I want to get off the meds!!!- Goodbye, Paxil. I am very dissapointed I ever started on medication. Although I do feel like it helped with the process it has numbed me. Not to mention ruined any of chance of me having an orgasm. (oops, did i just say that? lol)
5) Stay close to those who care- I want to stay close to my friends. I want to keep in better touch with them, call them, meet up with them, etc. My friends are my life support. If I lose them, I lose myself.
6) Get out of debt- being in debt only adds to the depression. It's another thing on my plate I don't want to worry about. I currently am about $6,000 in debt ( which I know is not a lot comapred to many) and I want it to be zero by the end of the year. I think I can do it. The first step is being taken tomorrow... by cutting up my credit cards (well. all but one. my emergency card. THAT I WILL USE FOR EMERGENCIES)
7) Love- I will love others and myself
8) Get sleep- honestly. I need this more than I thought. I want to be able to sleep in the dark without a light on... although that might take some time I think it will improve my sleep patterns.
9) Remember John- As if I could forget. I want to keep him remembered by all and honor the love we had.
10) Pray- I need to connect more and have a stronger relationship with God. I need to dive into the Word more often, try to attend church when I can, and pray daily.
I think all these resolutions are obtainable and reasonable. And I really think they will make 2011 a better year.
I guess anything can be better than 2010.
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