Friday, December 31, 2010

So this is the new year?

"So this is the new year? But I don't feel any different..."



-death cab for a cutie





It's 2011. This is a time I had been waiting for. It was supposed to start feeling better, right? But I have tricked myself again. Really it's just another day. I just have to start writing it differently on paper. Nothing has sped time up to get me past my grief. I am still here. I am still very much in pain and nothing makes you realize it more than ending a bad year without the one who could have made it all better. While the world clinked their glasses of champagne I watched with weepy eyes Dick Clark count down the seconds to what I feel should be my fresh start. I had water in my hand (I had already had enough to drink by this point). I felt bad for Dick Clark. Then I felt bad for myself. Pity party, table of one.

Thank goodness I had people here with me. I wouldn't have allowed myself to be alone. But honestly I don't know if ringing in a new year is going to make the difference yet. Because I still have to go through a lot of firsts still. And one day doesn't magically make it go away. But. I guess I can get in a different mind set.

I, like many, have my resolutions.

I am going to list them now. And I want to own up to them. I hate that I had to wait for Jan. 1st to start resolutions. I know you can make a choice to change your life any day of the year. But, I figured I needed a break.



1) Take care of ME- 2011 is all about ME, ME, ME. I am going to make myself HAPPY in any way possible. That means I may have to change some things about myself and try new life styles. But, so be it. That means I am going to start taking care of my body. I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy and feel comfortable in my clothes. I am going to join weight watchers again and start exercising.



2) Explore new things- I have already started with photography. Now, what I need is something else to keep me fairly busy. I wish I could afford more than I can currently. I wish I could take dance lessons or painting classes. Who knows, I am up for anything.



3) Work on myself emotionally- This part is going to take TIME. I am going to still allow myself to grieve daily and also allow myself to take in the happy. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy the pleasures in life.



4) I want to get off the meds!!!- Goodbye, Paxil. I am very dissapointed I ever started on medication. Although I do feel like it helped with the process it has numbed me. Not to mention ruined any of chance of me having an orgasm. (oops, did i just say that? lol)



5) Stay close to those who care- I want to stay close to my friends. I want to keep in better touch with them, call them, meet up with them, etc. My friends are my life support. If I lose them, I lose myself.



6) Get out of debt- being in debt only adds to the depression. It's another thing on my plate I don't want to worry about. I currently am about $6,000 in debt ( which I know is not a lot comapred to many) and I want it to be zero by the end of the year. I think I can do it. The first step is being taken tomorrow... by cutting up my credit cards (well. all but one. my emergency card. THAT I WILL USE FOR EMERGENCIES)

7) Love- I will love others and myself

8) Get sleep- honestly. I need this more than I thought. I want to be able to sleep in the dark without a light on... although that might take some time I think it will improve my sleep patterns.

9) Remember John- As if I could forget. I want to keep him remembered by all and honor the love we had.

10) Pray- I need to connect more and have a stronger relationship with God. I need to dive into the Word more often, try to attend church when I can, and pray daily.



I think all these resolutions are obtainable and reasonable. And I really think they will make 2011 a better year.
I guess anything can be better than 2010.

3 comments:

Almost Her said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Almost Her said...

Good for you, love. We're all here to support you and help you accomplish all of your goals and dreams. I love you!

Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

(((((HUGS)))))