"So this is the new year? But I don't feel any different..."
-death cab for a cutie
It's 2011. This is a time I had been waiting for. It was supposed to start feeling better, right? But I have tricked myself again. Really it's just another day. I just have to start writing it differently on paper. Nothing has sped time up to get me past my grief. I am still here. I am still very much in pain and nothing makes you realize it more than ending a bad year without the one who could have made it all better. While the world clinked their glasses of champagne I watched with weepy eyes Dick Clark count down the seconds to what I feel should be my fresh start. I had water in my hand (I had already had enough to drink by this point). I felt bad for Dick Clark. Then I felt bad for myself. Pity party, table of one.
Thank goodness I had people here with me. I wouldn't have allowed myself to be alone. But honestly I don't know if ringing in a new year is going to make the difference yet. Because I still have to go through a lot of firsts still. And one day doesn't magically make it go away. But. I guess I can get in a different mind set.
I, like many, have my resolutions.
I am going to list them now. And I want to own up to them. I hate that I had to wait for Jan. 1st to start resolutions. I know you can make a choice to change your life any day of the year. But, I figured I needed a break.
1) Take care of ME- 2011 is all about ME, ME, ME. I am going to make myself HAPPY in any way possible. That means I may have to change some things about myself and try new life styles. But, so be it. That means I am going to start taking care of my body. I want to lose weight. I want to get healthy and feel comfortable in my clothes. I am going to join weight watchers again and start exercising.
2) Explore new things- I have already started with photography. Now, what I need is something else to keep me fairly busy. I wish I could afford more than I can currently. I wish I could take dance lessons or painting classes. Who knows, I am up for anything.
3) Work on myself emotionally- This part is going to take TIME. I am going to still allow myself to grieve daily and also allow myself to take in the happy. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy the pleasures in life.
4) I want to get off the meds!!!- Goodbye, Paxil. I am very dissapointed I ever started on medication. Although I do feel like it helped with the process it has numbed me. Not to mention ruined any of chance of me having an orgasm. (oops, did i just say that? lol)
5) Stay close to those who care- I want to stay close to my friends. I want to keep in better touch with them, call them, meet up with them, etc. My friends are my life support. If I lose them, I lose myself.
6) Get out of debt- being in debt only adds to the depression. It's another thing on my plate I don't want to worry about. I currently am about $6,000 in debt ( which I know is not a lot comapred to many) and I want it to be zero by the end of the year. I think I can do it. The first step is being taken tomorrow... by cutting up my credit cards (well. all but one. my emergency card. THAT I WILL USE FOR EMERGENCIES)
7) Love- I will love others and myself
8) Get sleep- honestly. I need this more than I thought. I want to be able to sleep in the dark without a light on... although that might take some time I think it will improve my sleep patterns.
9) Remember John- As if I could forget. I want to keep him remembered by all and honor the love we had.
10) Pray- I need to connect more and have a stronger relationship with God. I need to dive into the Word more often, try to attend church when I can, and pray daily.
I think all these resolutions are obtainable and reasonable. And I really think they will make 2011 a better year.
I guess anything can be better than 2010.