I know that time brings change, and change takes time.

it all started 7 years ago.

in college.

at THE Florida State University.

I guess I have to be honest. It started a little earlier than that... but it wasn't official until Nov. 27, 2004.
I know I have told the story before, about how it all began... band, drum corps, tiny shorts worn to practice by both me and John... but there's so much more to it, ya know? Our love took time to develop. It wasn't an instant thing. Well, ok it was in a way. But we really BUILT and worked on our relationship from day one.
We were opposites.
Drummer vs. horn player
Party boy vs. Nerdy girl
Calm guy vs. Stress machine

It was our personalities that completely complemented each other. We were two of the most approachable people you could have ever met. We made everyone feel welcome. You could meet us and by the end of the night/day you were one of our closest friends. We were very spontaneous yet completely traditional in our ways. At the end we had perfected "a relationship." We figured it out. How to get along with each other, how to balance each other, how to feed off each other's strengths, how to manage time and family, etc. We knew how to make each other laugh every day and how to make each other feel attractive.
But like I said... it was a building process.

When I met John he was known for being a party boy.
So much in fact he focused more on partying than academics and ended up failing out of UCF. It was one of the things that made me hesitant to date him. When I got to college... I hardly ever partied (at least not as hard as others) and I made a huge effort to be the best in my classes. I am a nerd, what can I say? The funny thing is ..  it was at one of John's parties where I started to fall for him. It was called a "Johnny Thursday." Most of the FSU drumline was there along with a few others... band folks mainly... and some of John's friends. But it was on a THURSDAY. Once we started dating I made an effort to help turn John's life around. He had bad habits. He smoked for one. (and not cigarettes)
I actually had told him that I would never date him if he smoked.
In my eyes it's just lame.
I mean, it really does making you fucking retarded. I don't care what you say or think. Smoking pot makes you act like a lazy dumb ass. and i think that's what people are going for sometimes... but that just wasn't me. And I didn't want to get caught up in it.
And he made his decision.
And chose me.
I was quite impressed.
did he fall back? yes. he had his moments. we bickered. i even tried to break up with him once because i was exhausted with trying to keep John on track all the time... but, it obviously not something that happened.
With time I worked on helping John reach goals.
Besides him quitting smoking... it was the partying that also had to go.
When he failed out of FSU it kind of gave him a wake up call.
But when he was kicked out of the drumline at fsu... that really got to him most of all. That was his family. And it really hurt him. He worked his ass off for a year trying to get back on good terms and was still not let back in the next year. I was soooo pissed. I can't tell you how mad I was. I held a grudge against Dr. Dunnigan for a long time after that and John had never forgiven him. (sadly)

I remember when I was at John's one night and it was a "Johnny Thursday" and John had class the next day (he may have been at the community college then). It was like 2am and I was over it. I got up and started cleaning up, turning on all the lights, and pushing people out the door. I called cabs for those who couldn't drive and I slammed the door shut when it was all over and went to bed with John. People hated me for it for awhile.
In fact, I think many of John's friends and even family members hated me at the beginning.
I was "changing" John.
I remember crying to John one time about how his brothers and sisters didn't like me. It meant so much to me...
but John reminded me all that mattered was that HE loved me.
It was hard for me to get past other's feelings towards me.
All I ever meant to do was good.
I wanted John to be the best he could be. I saw a side of him that other's didn't. I saw his potential.
And i was going to let drinking, partying, or laziness get in the way of that.
Because the moment we started dating we decided to be a team.
an unbreakable force where nothing could stop us.

expect for death.

because that indeed stopped us.

it broke up the team.

and we were really on a roll.

And it only took us 5 and a half years to get there.



After reading this you must think that it was only John who was changed.
But I must admit I changed along the way too.
John made me a much stronger person than I started out.... he made me appreciate the value of friendships and family. He taught me patience. Something I never had. ever. He taught me how to laugh even in tough times. He taught me how to love endlessly and express my inner feelings. He made me feel beautiful even when I didn't want to.
The person I was in 2004 was definitely an entirely different person than the one before April 22, 2010. and the person after april 22, 2010 is also very, VERY different.

I don't regret anything about our relationship.
I know it didn't start off fairy tale-ish.
But it was the end result that made it all worth while. all the work paid off.
and eventually others started to realize that I wasn't trying to change John completely.
I was trying to bring out the best in him just as he was trying to bring out the best in me.


And I want to thank him for that.

Thank you, baby.
For always being in my corner.

Fix You

Sometimes I feel bad for my friends and family.

Mainly because no matter how hard they try there is nothing they can do to "fix" me. I know the first person to do so would be my dad. I know when he sees me upset about John it breaks his heart. As much as he tries to hide it I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice while I cry over the phone.

Even though I know that many feel for me... I can't help but feel like my sadness is only exhausting for others to deal with. I know for me personally, I always want to be the one to solve things right away. I want to make someone happy and I want an imediate response. Besides, it's what makes others happy too. But, this just can't happen right now. And how bad I feel when I make others feel like they can't help me. When people send me cards or flowers or call me and invite me to dinner to take me out I do the best I can to have a good time and find my moments of joy. These small joy moments are what keep me alive. They keep me stepping forward.... which I believe has started to happen. I feel I may have started to take tiny baby steps. In what direction? I have no idea. But... I feel them.

I just want people to know that I can't be fixed right now.

But, I can have joy moments.

And there's a small fear that lingers inside of me that feels as though I may push friends and family away from me because I am too much of a project for them. I am high maitenance. I agree. I have issues to deal with daily. I have internal battles going on each moment. I have moments of laughing that can immediately turn into tears. I am unpredictable and complicated. I am an extraordinary machine.

And I really do want to start working on myself.

I want to take what life handed me and start to work on it.

Even though I think it was the most unfair of hands dealt... now I have to live with it. And the only other way out is to not live. Which is not an option for me.

I have started looking up a new psychologist. Talking to someone who's professionally trained for my struggles will be good for me. I have started making new friendships and re-kindling old ones. One positive thing John's death brought to me was the kinship of a group of women who hurt like me... and who understand this hard road I am now following. Most are ahead of me on the road and understand each and every crossroad I may come across. It is these amazing group of women who have really been my inspiration to keep going. They show me that there is something to live forward in the future. Life may not always be the same... but it's worth living for.

I want to lose weight.

Having John's death as an excuse just won't do anymore.

I am unhealthy and I purposely avoid weighing on my Wii Fit... for two reasons.

1) when I log on John's character is there too... standing next to me. Sometimes the machine asks where he is. What can you tell a stupid robot? Yet I refuse to remove his character. Because John made it... and John's results on there. Another sign that he lived in my life.

2) I don't think I will like the number that I see.

From what I see in the mirror and by the clues given to me by my buttons hanging on for dear life on my pants... is that I have gained serious weight since April. I must have lost about 10 lbs the first month but once I had an appetite again all I wanted to do was eat. Eat anything I wanted because after all "I deserved it." And who the hell did I have to impress?

So, I am going to start changing my eating habits.

I am giving up coke and giving into water.... as much as possible.

I am going to cook in more and eat more fresh meals.

I want to eat more proteins and vegetables and less carbs and dairy.

I want to go down a couple sizes before Tim and Lisa's wedding. I refuse to show up as the fat, sad widow. Although that's what it will feel like no matter what.

I wish I had motivation to wake up super early in the morning an work out. But I can hardly wake up to make it on time to school. So, morning is not an option. It would have to be after schoool.... and even the thought of that makes me want to cry. A healthy lifestyle is time consuming and exhausting. i wish Diana were here to inspire me. which she does anyway. Diana and I started Medi weight loss last Jan together and she has gone down like 4 pant sizes. And she looks awesome. I dropped the ball somewhere and ended up losing almost 10 lbs... and then D-day came and it was bye-bye logic or reason. But to add on top of my consuming grief... the dissapointment and depression of feeling like a complete fat ass., It's just not a good combination. At all.

Oh, and can I just talk about how much I miss John being here to do things for me like help me take in the groceries or take out the trash or even the stupid things like change an air filter or do an oil check. We became so familiar with those routines.... John scooped the cat litter and I cooked dinner. John loaded the dishwasher and I unloaded it. John took out the trash and I just watched him look cute doing it.

Anyway, Lunesta is taking it's toll.

P.S. IT'S THE WORST TASTING MEDICINE EVER. you get this awful aftertaste the next day for almost the whole day. the medicine works charms I just wish that it didn't taste like I ate a punch of pennies while I was sleeping.

Good night

ilymtli

Oh and just because....

the gators lost this weekend.

and the heavens rejoiced. I know john played the loudest bass drum ever in heaven.

and here was a fellow tribute by me circa 2006