four days on my own

Last week I was alone. For three nights.
Something I haven't had to experience since I started dating Ryan. We have always been together.
But it was bound to happen... we couldn't always be at each other's side. So when Ryan got his new job I kind of expected us to be separated for his training. And indeed they took him away for a week.

I hated every minute of being alone.
Of course, I did as much as possible to keep myself entertained. I visited friends. I cleaned the house. I worked extra hours at school.
But my mind was preoccupied.
As much as I dislike being alone... I also dislike the fact that I can't handle being alone. I feel undone. And I feel sort of embarrassed. Mainly because people tend to think they always have the best advice by saying little sayings like "you can never be comfortable with someone else until you are comfortable with yourself" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
So, I guess I was supposed to embrace the loneliness?
I guess I am supposed to be ok with it?
Because I am strong?
Because I am ok with that?

It wasn't so bad at first.
I was doing fine. I did aid my sleep with anxiety medication to calm my thoughts... and thanks to the amazing technology we now live with this day and age I was able to video chat with Ryan every night. He was literally the last thing I saw and heard before I fell asleep at night. It made things so much better.

I often think about what it would be like if I could video chat with John in Heaven. 
The things that would be said. The way his eyes would light up and the corners of his mouth pull back to make a smile... the things that I have longed to see for almost two years now. And to hear that laugh again. Oh, yes. That laugh. Who could resist it?? That laugh that was like a song.... and contagious as hell. 


So.
All was going well... I was making it and I was actually starting to feel proud of myself.
And then I get a phone call on Wednesday night from my associate director from last year telling me that one of our students at my former school had died. He committed suicide.
I was floored.
And then all the pride I had felt for being able to be on my own... drained away.
I was in need.
I was upset. And crying. And letting my mind flood with dark thoughts that I desperately wanted to get rid of. There was nothing I feared more than that darkness. That lingering darkness of death and loss.
And it was haunting.
My mind went to thoughts of him
And of his poor, distraught family.
And of finding him.
And of him dead.

And then I freaked out because Ryan was in Jacksonville and I was here.
And I had to comfort MYSELF.
No one was there to comfort me.
And I couldn't find anyone to come over.
I had to figure it out.
I had to self soothe.
And THAT was the bigger task... getting MYSELF to calm the fuck down.
I told Ryan immediately... and then told him I needed a chance to calm down.
I took a shower.
Not a bath (as I usually do) but a really freakin' HOT shower.
And then I did something I do not do enough... I prayed.

I do NOT mean to not pray.
It's not on purpose.
I tend to forget.
And fall asleep.
I suck.

But I sure did pray that night.
OUT LOUD.
No one was home. It was just me, Lily, Cecilia, and God. And so I prayed very loud and very intensely. I prayed for the child's soul. And his poor, grieving family. The people left behind to suffer. The ones I could truly relate to. (except the suicide part...)
I prayed for peace.
Over and over.
Peace for them.
Peace for myself.
I prayed for calm.
I prayed for grace.

And as I got out of the steam... I tried to turn my thoughts to happier times and happier things. I was refusing myself to go to dark places. I had to stay light. Especially when I am alone.

I video chatted with Ryan.
We discussed happier things. Tried to focus on our lives... our future...

I can't get engulfed with other's tragedies all the time. Because I tend to get out of control.
It's a balancing act really.
To grieve and to live.
You have to do both.
But mostly you have to live.
And I just started to do that..... it's taken a long time to balance it out. I had the grief hold the heavier part for such a long time I had forgotten to actually focus on my current life. That I actually was ALLOWED to do so.


So, live, my friends.
Live now.




Ryan came home the next day.
I can't tell you how HAPPY I was.
In my mind he had been gone for way longer than four days. It was an eternity to me.
And I felt so grateful to have him back.
Something about women who have lost before... for the people they eventually love... we appreciate you MORE than most ever will because we know what it's like to not have you.
It is just one of the few perks you get dating a widow.
You're welcome.

self destruct in 3...2...1....

i am no big fan of self diagnosis.... but here we go....

not too long after John died I had come to the conclusion that I was suffering some sort of separation anxiety. but i knew i had suffered before his death too. being a psychology minor in college i was very aware of the condition called separation anxiety. it's where children go through a developmental stage where they are afraid to be separated from their main caregiver (usually a parent).

one day i just thought "i wonder if there is ADULT separation anxiety..."

so. lo' and behold: google.

and here you go:

http://anxietypanichealth.com/reference/separation-anxiety-disorder-adult/

specifically read these:

The diagnostic criteria for Separation Anxiety Disorder in the DSM-IV are as follows:[19]

A. Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following:

1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures.
3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped).
4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.
5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings.
6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home.
7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.

I almost suffer from every single one of those symptoms. fuck.

So, now i KNOW for a fact that it DOES exist. I didn't just create this in my head. i even brought it up to my counselor one time in one of our sessions and she agreed on it... said that it was highly likely. where does it even spawn from? because remember...it was PRE-John death. but nowhere near as heavy.

now that i have Ryan i feel like the intensity has increased. i have to FORCE myself to remain calm when i am not around him. i do everything i can to stay distracted... i clean, i take bubble baths, i go see friends, i watch TV and movies, i work on the computer, i shave my legs, i paint my nails, i do laundry, i wash my dog, i play video games, make the bed, read, organize, etc. But my mind stays completely distracted.

And I know something like this can't quite be healthy. it's good to love. it's good to want to be around seomeone... but being physically sick and worried in the absence of their presence? totally makes me seem like a looney and undesireable.

Now that i have found someone amazing.... i dont want to lose it.

and i know that this can get in the way.

the times when John and I would argue were usually about stupid things... and a lot of the times it was about me wanting to spend more and more time with him. I became jealous of things that stole time away from me (and not just people...) his job, TCI, etc. If it didn't involve me i took it personally. one time after an argument John sat on the couch and started to tear up. i remember him saying "i can't believe i am mad at you for wanting to spend time with me..."

it was as if he wasn't so mad anymore.

just sad.

sad perhaps because he didn't quite understand the magnitude of my admiration or .... obsession? that all i needed and wanted in life was to be by his side. to keep him company and have the same in return. and honestly that has always been my number one. to spend time with the people i love the most. and when i fall in love. it's over.

did i mention i am in love?

i am just really nervous of being my own worst enemy.

of running off ryan.

of losing him.

even though he says it isn't so....

this widow thing is hard. fucking hard.