Monday, September 20, 2010


i find myself in constant need of movement.
to wander and wonder and to constantly give myself something to do.
i have never been able to just sit. as hard as I try. I have to move. sadly, many people are medicated for this these days. ADHD. ADD.
But, I don't think that's always the answer. I think they are like me. They find that their lives need to be in a constant motion. And in motion I have been for 26 years.
I am like a planet. spinning. never not turning on my axis.
now, this may start to get odd. sooo ... pardon me if this sounds off but here it goes.
I find humans a bit geocentric.
We feel as if we are the planet and everything else spins around us. each of us containing our own solar system. And we go on through like... spinning.. on our own perfect axis. planets rotations around our core. and then one day it hits us. we find that we are rotating around another planet. it's our sun. and we rotate around it pleasantly and freely.
John was my sun. Ironically, I was his.
And we do this dance... in our galaxy. Our own universe. A dance of two planets which could collide any minute but don't. The worlds not spin around us. And pretty soon we leave orbit and just go and move... straight forward. Through our universe. Together. It's at a full speed. Life tends to move light speed when you find the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with. And then, without notice there is an explosion. My star has died. When a star dies it has a chance of many fates. And it's death can be quite spectacular. John's life was the beginning of a star's death. Bright and glowing. And everyday growing. His death has turned into a black hole. And now I have stopped moving forward... without my sun to revolve around I am let rotating on axis around a black hole. Each day the hole brings me closer in. I have to make a choice. To revolve around the black hole and gradually fall into it... are start a new motion forward. I am spinning. I am spinning in circles. But my motion seems perfectly still. Yet I am orbiting.
That's what we do. We are orbiting spheres .. making it through the universe. Jumping from one solar system to the next. And once in awhile we collide.... unexpectantly.. with another planet or star. And John was my star. He was the brightest star in my sky. He gave light in the deepest of darkness. And now that his starlight has burnt out here on Earth...I still look for it's light to peak in from heaven.
I didn't really see John coming 6 years ago. I was looking for him. He wasn't looking for me. We found each other because we fell into each other's orbit. Because there was a natural attraction. An invisible force bringing us together. It was love.
I didn't see John's death coming. I had no preparation and had nothing to hold when the caticlismic event arrived. My beautiful star. My world and my universe. Has changed forever.

And then there are times where I too feel I might just burst.
Inside I hold a giant heap of love.
And I poured it all out daily to John.
With no where to direct all this love I feel like it just sits and builds up inside of me. I will burst.

Bright Star by: John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art--
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors--
No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever--or else swoon to death.

Goodnight, John.

1 comment:

Diana said...

That was so beautifully put, painfully sad, but well said.