It's 9pm. I am sitting in the bath tub. The water is extra hot and I have mixed both bath oil and bubble bath. I am contemplating shaving. It's now a once a day routine... sadly. I do it anyway... it's not such a long process.
I sit in the tub and just let the day sink in. I just got home from judging All County. In the French horn room. 20 horns in a row. 20 middle school horns.
My head is aching.
And not just because it's late and not just because of all county.
I have had a long day. Nicole is gone all week in NYC and I have been teaching classes all by myself. Even though I have done this the 3 previous years before... this was before I had 430 kids. I respect Nicole so much.... because she used to do it alone. I don't know how she did. Almost all my classes are wonderful... I love my school and I love my kids. And then there's the one class. The class that I try not to pour my emotions into or get worked up with but end up doing it anyway. My 7th period. They are a handful to say the least. I want so bad to show these students how much I love music and how much I love them but no matter how hard I try they don't let me through. Their lack of respect puts up a barrier. I can't even be myself because they don't care enough for me to do so. I want to laugh and smile and joke with them. I want to play music and get them passionate for performing. But, I mostly end up yelling all period and telling kids to be quiet. Or we sit in total silence because they CANNOT handle anything else. I hate the way they make me feel. Because it's not what I want to feel. I don't want to be angry with them and I don't want them to hate me.
So, after class today I just stood there as they all filed out of the room... and as other students came to pick up their stuff I started to feel the blood rush to my face. An all too familiar feeling. My eyes filled up with tears and I collapsed in a chair to cry. Some students came to comfort me. They hugged me, rubbed my back and talked to me.
The students are comforting ME.
Of course none of them are from 7th period.
So we have developed a bond, a relationship... that I cannot establish with my 7th period.
And all of a sudden I end up a blubbering mess. I spill out my feelings to my kids and next thing I know... they are all crying with me.
I tell them how much I care about them and how much my job means to me.
That they don't realize that they are really all I have.
Because in a way that's how I feel.
John used to take up such a big chunk of my life that I didn't allow for other things to take any place in it.
I rushed home daily from my job to be with him.
I revolved everything around him and our relationship.
I do not regret it.
But I have had to figure out how to fill in his space.
So, I allowed my students to have a large piece of that space.
To fill it with purpose and passion. To give that space some life and hope. That perhaps I can inspire a student or give someone else purpose in their life.
So, it's frustrating when I can't reach them all.
One of my students wrote me an email this evening. It was so sweet and heartfelt. It made me feel better because I know I have reached her. And I may not be able to reach all 430 of the kids I have... but if I can just reach a few perhaps I will serve a greater cause.
All this reflected while in a bathtub.
After the bath I take a chewable aspirin for my headache and my paxil and wellbutrin. Oh, lets not forget the birth control and right before bed a clonapin. And a spray of flonase.
All these pills. All the medicines.
All to make me functional.
I download the latest episode of Dexter to watch later after I blog. I still watch this show even though it was "our" show. Me and John's.
Lily wants to play. She always wants to play. She has taken my underwear out of the hamper and has cheerfully spread them all over my living room and bedroom. Um. Gross.
She attacks my pants and toes as I walk to the couch. It's like I am always swimming in shark infested water with her tiny sharp teeth. I yell "no" and make mean noises and she still looks happy and smiles. It's all a game still. She grabs a tennis ball. I throw it literally 20 times. She doesn't get tired of it until it rolls under the couch.
I feel so bad when I dont have the energy to play with her all the time. I am super exhausted and she is so hyper that I can't begin to keep up with her. How can I possibly be a mom one day? I mean... Lily is just a puppy. Not like I will be a mom at the rate I am going right now.
Tomorrow I get paid. THANK GOD. I HATE living pay check to pay check.
I am sooo poor it's not even funny. Most of my expenses go towards GAS. I travel a lot now. Back and forth to places. Not to mention work. Which is half an hour each way. It's killing me. And so is my obsession with itunes. I am constantly on the hunt for new music. Stuff that doesn't always have to remind me of John... but at the same time helps me with my grief. I have always gone back to my high school days and started listening to Nichole Nordeman again. Her lyrics are AMAZING. I cried and cried the other day in the car when I listened to River God and Anyway. And probably the most inspiring song for a widow... would be Every Season. It talks about the seasons of life... and right now...I feel I am in my fall/winter. The leaves are changing... the branches are cracking and I am surronded by death.
When will my spring arrive?
Tomorrow is Wednesday.
Tomorrow is not today.
Tomorrow is filled with meetings.
Tomorrow I get a visit from a friend :)
Tomorrow I get a paycheck.
Tomorrow I don't see 7th period.
Tomorrow is a shorter day of school.
Tomorrow is one day closer to my vacation to Las Vegas.
Tomorrow is one day away from my loss.
Tomorrow is another day without John.
JOHN'S QUILT PROJECT UPDATE:
$295 raised so far!!!!
Thank you to those who have donated! I love you and appreciate your support. Once I get the project finished I will write out a list to all of those who helped raise the money so they can be recognized!