Saturday, November 6, 2010

I know that time brings change... and change takes time

I get the "it takes time" talk a lot.

And if anyone knows me well enough.... you will know some things about me instantly:

1) I over-analyze EVERYTHING. it's just what I do
2) I am loud. always.
3) I don't bullshit you.
4) I have no patience

So, this whole "it takes time" thing is NOT my cup of tea. I want results... and I want them NOW. I am ready to stop feeling this way. I want to feel the way i did before April 22. Happy with life... content... accomplished... moving forward...


and there's always the but.

because a but always represents reality.

in reality.... as much as I hate it... it's going to take time. It took me a few months to fall in love with John. It took us 5 and half years to figure how the perfect relationship. So, 6 months will not make anything magically go away. My feelings for John have not stopped. I am still very much in love with him and who he was. I still have high expectations when it comes to men...and people. And I am still learning how to go through this journey of grief. I pass milestones daily. small and BIG. they all matter because they all are a step for me.
I feel like this has been a slow journey. I feel like days linger without John.
When you're down... the world turns slowly.

I am aware that with time wil come a change in my life.
I am changing daily.
My personality has changed a little.
My demeanor.
My outlook on life.
My treatment of others,
My hobbies and work ethic.

What happened to me has forced me to change... but not exactly WHO I am. Because I am still very much me... just with a varying perspective.
Change takes time.
I cannot expect to find anyone to replace John anytime soon.
Do I miss love? You bet.
Do I wish I had someone to come home to every night? of course.
There is a part inside of me that begs for affection.
Just because I lost John doesn't mean I don't crave natural things... like intimacy... and sex.
I think about sex a lot now.
Probably more than I ever have.
Because it's been takin away from me.
I long to be touched and kissed and held. I long to hear the words "I love you" and not just from friends and family... but by an intimate partner.
I imagine sometimes that John whispers those words in my ear as I sleep at night. And that is my fuel to survive another day. Because he loves me still... even from heaven.

But time is moving forward.
At it's usual pace.
And then there are times when I feel like... wow... this went by fast. I only feel that way when I reach a big milestone... like our wedding date. I couldn't believe it was already here. it was hard to imagine I had spent that much time without John and how I was so anxious to get married... and the day came and went. And it's gone and now looming ahead are the holidays. The dreaded holidays. It's like a punch in the face.

So, how long will this pain linger?
Will I carry this forever?
When will I be TRULY happy again?

Only time.... will tell.

1 comment:

Star said...

Yeah, I hate the 'it takes time' thing too. That's why I want to go forward in time some days. To when I can go to a wedding and not hear the vows ring in my head "Till death do you part" and "I wish you many years of happiness" and all the other things people say to the couple. I try to remind myself than in regular heartaches I did heal. Even if it took a long time. But I don't think I'll ever stop missing Roger. But maybe I'll smile one day a lot more than have a tear fall.