Wednesday, August 31, 2011

does anyone have a lifesaver?

Ya know... some days I come home and I can seriously look back on the day and think "that was a good day..."
And then there are days (and these have been frequent lately) where all I can do is reflect on things that have NOT gone so well and how I dread the next one.
School is draining. It's sucking my life away. And my energy. And my enthusiasm.
I am so overworked with the new school.
These kids are father behind than I thought... and I have a lot to get done and never enough time to do so. I actually broke a school record and used my alloted copies for the YEAR in one WEEK.
My principal must hate me....
and I have tried to butter him up... the other day I brought in some hot sauce for him called "liquid stoopid." and noted that it was because "i had been stupid."
I feel like as time goes by they try and make teaching more and more difficult. Nothing is getting easier. Even with all the technology. IT'S A JOKE.
Technology just gives us MORE shit we have to do.
Make a website, make a slide show, edit these videos, turn these in online, do this online course, check out this podcast, do this and that...
have a request? fill the form out online.
have a problem student? find their info online.

Now I am just bitching.

When the stress comes so does the next phase... the pity party. woe, is me.

Oh, and tagged on to that I had a nice dose of guilt! My favorite of all.

Ya see, I have a problem.
I am a people pleaser.
I always want others to be happy.
My goal is to make others like me and love me.
No matter how thin I stretch myself out.
So... I agreed to babysit my nephews today (not knowing how horribly shitty the day would turn out or that I would spend 2 HOURS after school making phone calls to parents...)
As I rushed home to let my dog out before heading out to John's parents. (yes, they are HIS nephews...and I still consider them mine too) I started to feel the looming cloud of despair gather above my head. And as I parked at my apartment I felt the rush of heat hit my face and then the next step... the tears. I walked in the door and collapsed on my couch and just cried. and it was the loud kind. the kind that you would never want to record yourself and hear because you would be like "is that a dying animal?"
The kind that gives you a big headache.
 (which i am still waiting on this tylenol to kick in...)
So, John's mom calls about me coming over in the middle of my breakdown and I am still blubbering and crying and she tells me to stay home and cry it out and come over another time.
and this is the guilt part.
i can't pull myself together to go watch the boys.
i can't help out the people who have always been there for me no matter what.
and now i feel like i am letting them down and annie down to boot.
and so what do i do?
i cry harder.

i hate always living with guilt.
for fearing losing people i love because of stupid mistakes i make or commitments broken.
i just don't always feel as dependable as i once was.
i feel exhausted.
i feel selfish.

And i feel deprived of time.

and so pity party resumes.

to top it off.
ryan and i are having work schedules that conflict.... and our time together isn't what it used to be.
and when we do get together it's usually dinner and then bed.
or dinner, tv and bed.
most of our time spent together is spent asleep.
we are both always so tired and i don't know what to do to get us active because I barely have energy to type on this keyboard.

Im drowning.

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