Sunday, September 11, 2011

The happiness allowed.

how happy am I allowed to be?
what is expected? what is required?
what is my limit?
when is my happiness too happy?

there was a time... where I sat down with my best friend, Evan and we had a very serious chat because I was too unhappy. i was depressed and bitter. And this was unacceptable. It had been 9 months. and i was no longer expected to be that sad in her eyes. my best friend set a limit for me. and said that enough was enough. at that point in time i wasn't set any expectations from anyone. how could I?? who could possibly tell me how to grieve? who knew what it was like?
there are many that have said they couldn't have made it.
they would have killed themselves.
never loved again.
crawled into a corner and waited to die.

but i didn't.

Because like a phoenix i rose from the ash.

there is a particular lyric that comes to mind when i say that... from Ani DiFranco...
"God help if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise from the ash. A thousand eyes will smoulder with jealousy as you keep flying past..."

Not like ANYONE would ever be jealous of what I went through....

but once I decided to try to "move on" and get happy... then that's when people have problems.
Because THEY couldn't see THEMSELVES doing it.
but then again... what do they know?

i had people tell me they couldn't handle it.
I noticed people starting to drop out of the picture. as I started my journey up the mountain... i lost people along the way. I have some people that have honestly told me... and others silently slip into the shadows.
And tonight John's sister told me that she has blocked me on facebook.
because she can't handle me moving on right now.
she said it stings.

yes, it does.

and it stings me too.

I always try to be understanding to other's grieving.
when people confess to me that it's hard to see me dating Ryan i never hold it against them. NEVER. I do not hold anything against anyone.
because i have learned that we all grieve differently.
and my grief will never outnumber another's.

but i have to admit.
it hurts so much.
to find out that other's are uncomfortable with my new found happiness.
it makes me wonder what people would rather be seeing.
would they rather me be miserable?
ok, not miserable... but just living a very "ok" kind of life.
a cat lady.
sitting on the couch eating tubs of Ben and Jerrys.
crying while watching sappy love movies and wishing i had that.
never moving forward... but yet, never showing my depression as not to "disturb others."
I guess this is going to happen when I am so open about the life i live. for having a social network. for blogging and sharing photos of my life.

I was just hoping that maybe.... just maybe... some people out there would be HAPPY to see me smile again. To see me love again.
Because I know one thing...
John would.

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