Monday, August 23, 2010

4 months

yesterday was 4 months.

I didn't treat the day like I have before...where i sit down and ponder the day I lost him. where i take time alone to mourn. i guess i sort of saved that more for today.

yesterday i got to meet my future companion.

She isn't what most expected from me. If you know me, I am a BIG dog kind of person. I don't do little dogs. When I watch dog shows on TV i skip the toy category. they bore me. but show me the working dogs and my eyes light up. that is until i met emma and josie. (billy and liz's cute malteses)

So, John and I used to watch them all the time. we cuddled in bed with them, took them on car rides and basically pretended they were ours for whatever amount of time we watched them. but our dream dog was a dane. a blue great dane. a male. a strong, big dog. one john could feel like a man walking. :) but we also talked once about how cute it would be to have a little maltese and a big great dane and how they would be an odd couple friendship. so, i am getting started with one. I am getting a maltese. this is only due to the fact that my apartment complex has a weight limit of 50 pounds. and i would be going over that by about 1oo!!! besides, she is freakin CUTE!!!!

Her name is Lily.

She was named after the lake where John proposed to me at in maitland. (the lake which i cannot drive by without crying) I was also told that this name is a mix between billy and liz. lily. lol. perfect

she is super tiny. too tiny and young for me to take home yet. but on Sept 1 (hopefully) I will be bringing her home. i cant wait to snuggle her everyday and take her out on walks and out with visit friends. she will be a great companion for me to have and i am so ready for her.

so, visiting Lily distracted me from yesterday.

i also had a visit from Matt Grillo this weekend. Who i havent seen in forever! he was in big 8 with john and they share similiar stories with turning points in their lives. it was nice to have his company.... as well as his girlfriend. they remind me a lot of me and john. i guess most girls that date drummers do... it's just like a special club you have to be in. but it's so easy. to fall in love with a goofy, light hearted, fun loving "drummer." they really are the pick of the litter. and John was the best of the best. not only was he extremely talented musicianship wise... but his passion for teaching percussion was breathtaking. it literally left me breathless sometimes. he inspired me. and he also continued to say how i inspired him. we truly inspired each other to become the best people we could be.

matt grillo was only one of the few visitors i have had recently. last weekend i had brandy stay the weekend with me and the week before that TJ stayed a whole week while he taught band camp. it was like a blast from the college past. also, my best friend, Zack, from high school came to visit me multiple times and I also got to see Jacob... another high school friend. This past weekend Amelia visited me and we both hung out with Lauren and went to Bartow to visit my high school bff, Danielle. And tonight I had a very lovely dinner with Mike.

Just listing all these people really makes me feel truly loved and cared for. and i know that's what john would want for me. love and support. i almost feel like he has personally asked God to plant these people in my life. to look after me. long lost friends all of a sudden are part of my life again... and it's amazing to see that with most we can pick up where we left off... even if years have gone by.

tonight i sat in the bonefish parking lot with Mike.

he had a chance to share memories of john and to express his feelings on his death.

i just cried. and cried. and listened. i wasn't crying 100% sadness really. when i hear people's stories of john i just get overwhelmed. with the lives he touched. with the people that cherished him. some are surprising. some bonds he created were tighter than i knew. in fact, they were tighter than HE knew. He never quite thought he had a lot of friends. yet, his funeral was so packed people had to stand or listen from the lobby. I hope John got to see all these people. there for him and him alone. to honor and remember him.

i was surprised that sitting in the car with Mike was my first breakdown of the day.

after all. it was the first day of school.

normally, i would be in a panic the night before. i would check and re-check all my things. my purse, my bag, etc. i would set my alarm multiple times and ask john to set his too.

he would kiss me in the morning, compliment my outfit, and call me at lunch. always.

today was easy. and stressful. how so?

easy because it's just a "here are the rules" type of day.

stressful because the kids are CRAZY and don't want to hear the rules and let's face it... we all just want to play our instruments.

and when my lunch time came around i grabbed my phone.

and waited.

i waited for john's phone call.

and i am not kidding,

a part of me... thought it might happen. that john would call and wish me a good first day back. but, in the end... i had no phone call. so, i texted him. i told him how i wish he had called.

it's silly. i have been texting john since two days after his death. when his phone was still active i would go on and delete my own texts to him from myself.

now i assume they are floating around somewhere in cyberspace. and maybe he has a better chance of getting them. God, i wish heaven had a phone.

or at least an email account. where i can write an email to john and just read his words. i want him to say it's going to be ok. i want him to tell me why. i want to see the words "i miss you too."

i want to tell him about my first day back at my new school and how I am loving it so much already. i want to tell him about Nicole and how she is a gator fan and how one of my classes totally gator chomped me today and how ticked off i was. i want to tell him how the principal is a big coca cola fan like me and that she is a seminole as well. i want to share the big rice crispy treat i got today with him.

and now i am sitting in the living room. i have my list next to me... three things are not crossed off and probably won't be until tomorrow.
i am going to watch tv and go to bed. ALone. completely alone.
This will be the first time I am sleeping in the apartment alone by myself.
And I am a bit scared. I am nervous... but I know it's something I have to do. It's an exposure. And I guess after 4 months it's something I should try and do.
And if it doesn't work out? well... i havent gotten that far ahead.
i just need to look forward to a good day tomorrow and my photography class after school. distractions.
i am completely filling my life from them.
is this good or bad?

1 comment:

Star said...

I call the connections to outsiders ripples. Each of us are like pebbles dropped into a pond. We never know how far the ripples go. We may have affected someone so far away and our partners may really never know until we are gone. I got messages from people in England that worked with Roger. Even Roger probably didn't know how much these people respected him. I was shocked.

I also love when people talk about Roger. It makes me happy. It makes me remember he was real and not just in my imagination.

Lilly is so cute & I cannot wait to meet her.

Love you!