Saturday, August 21, 2010

What can I do? How can I help?

Many people... friends, family, strangers... want to do the best they can to help me. They want to be there for me. They want to help me heal. Some people go about it the right way. Some people.... might not approach it well at all. Notice I didn't say wrong. Because how can there be a wrong? I, myself have no idea how to respond to what is happening in my life. But this past week I have been coming up with things in my head.... things that make me think.... well, if only someone knew this then maybe it would help. Here is a list of my own personal pointers for my friends and family who feel the need to want to help me but don't know how.

1) You need to sometimes make the first move.- please don't send me a message on facebook to call you so we can hang out. Just pick the phone up yourself and call ME. It isn't so hard. For me, it's a bit harder and I still manage to do it.

2) Stop being afraid of me- you can't hurt me more than I have already been hurt. John is dead. Really, what more could you do to make it worse? So, you might be nervous to say the wrong thing. ok. so what. At least make the effort.

3) Stop feeling like you are walking on eggshells- because you are. but still. it's keeping you from opening up to me. If you feel like you want to share a John memory with me... please do. If you want to share something happy in your life I am not going to shoot you down. Inside it might hurt. but I have to come to the realization that everyone is still living their lives and I want to be happy for you and experience these things with you.

4) If you are going to hang out with me and your significant other please keep the cutesy shit to a minimum- respect, people. that's all I am saying.

5) Keep your commitments- this was something that pissed me off BEFORE John died. If you say you are going to hang out with me on a certain day or meet me somewhere and then bail out... it really hurts my feelings. Its called being a reliable friend... which might sound hypocritical because.....

6) I might not always stay commited- It's NOTHING about you. It's all about ME. If I say I can meet you out and then call to bail it's for a damn good reason. It would be very odd for me to do so... but if I am having a rough day the last thing I need is to go out to a place where I feel uncomfortable. This might also be a time to come out to me.

7) Come to me. Please- Many people expect me to drive all over the place so I can enjoy their company. I know it's usually me asking "can I hang out at your place tonight?" "can I sleep with you tonight?" Now I have my own place. Some of you havent even seen it yet. Why don't you come to ME. Driving alone is a big downer for me. It's probably where I cry the most when I am alone. So less driving for me= better safety.

8) Write me letters- who doesn't love getting real mail? facebook messages are nice. text messages are ok. but when I get a hand written piece of mail it truly makes my heart smile. it shows you took extra time to think of me. it gives me something to look forward to. when I lived with john's parents... they always got a TON of mail. stating in late November the MASS AMOUNTS of Christmas cards would start coming. I was envious. I wanted that. And sometimes I would get one. The last time I got a batch of cards was when John died. And it wasn't exactly I was thinking ... getting cards for such an occassion. I thought I would be getting "congratulation" cards or wedding RSVPS. anyway here's my address:

5926 Lake Pointe Village Cir Apt 214

Orlando, FL 32822

9) Remember the dates that are hard for me- For me... my life runs on a timeline that revolves around John's death. Tomorrow will be exactly 4 months since I lost him. I no longer count down the days to any other events but rather count away the dates since I haven't heard John's voice ot seen him smile. I am about to go through a hard season. A lot of important dates are coming up that are going to shake me.

Football season- what will my first game without John be like?

October 30- Our unofficial wedding date. the day where I would have been his wife

THanksgiving- having that empty seat next to me at the table. Undecided where to even spend this holiday

November 27- our anniversary. it would be 6 years for us this year. It's going to be a hard day. AND it's the UF vs. FSU game. You know John will be watching this one.

Christmas- I almost want to skip this one completely. I don't know what to do... not buying gifts for John. Not putting up decorations together or getting a tree. Not having Christmas Eve dinner with his family or attending Christmas Eve service where we all stand in a circle in the dark and sing Silent Night and eveyone only knows the first verse.

My birthday- It's going to be NO FUN celebrating getting a year older. widowed. alone. and older. 27 years old and nothing to show for it.

New years- ringing out the worst year of my life

So, as you can see. It's a tough road ahead.

10) Please keep in touch- I lost my John. I am not wanting to lose anyone else

11) Keep me included- even if you think I might not care/be interested. I want to know.

12) PRAY- DON'T STOP PRAYING FOR ME. I need it. I need God... and I need all the support I can get. I need it now more than ever.

13) Don't be afraid to cry in front of me- Let it out. Im going to cry regardless. You don't need to keep it in.

14) Please don't tell me "oh, you don't need medication."- rude. Im sorry. Did you go through medical school? Did your fiance die? No? Then your opinion isn't qualified enough. You don't think I KNOW that there is more to healing than just drugs? I have God. And it's not medicine that helps me get up everyday and live. It's God. Amen.

So, there it is. My short list. Maybe that will make people a bit more comfortable.

1 comment:

Star said...

Great list... I do want to come see your place. The peacock theme is intriguing. Now that I do have your address I may just have to come by :D

Can't wait to see you tonight.