Sunday, August 15, 2010


I am back to blogging. My lap top is being's currently getting some affection by Philip to bring it back to life hopefully.
Oh my goodness I can't believe tomorrow I go back to school.
A different school but school none the less. It's pre-planning week. Time to get my act together. A fresh start at a new school.
I am already loving my relationship I have developed with Nicole. She understands loss... as she also had to deal with it herself when she lost her father at age 12.
My principal rocks. I like her a lot already. I am entering this new school year with good intentions. with as sense of "I can do this." I want to say I am positive. But as I have mentioned before I am a realist.

Two nights ago I attended a goodbye party for a friend. And I went home that night and texted John (yes, I text John still...) and I told him I needed to see his face and wanted to dream about him. Weirdly, the text worked. I had a John dream. But I wake up and sometimes feel worse. I get to see him and then I wake up and feel bad. I come back to the reality that he's not here. So, maybe it's less like a dream and more like a nightmare?
The other day I was going through stuff and found John's dream journal. I gave it to him towards the beginning of our relationship. When John and I first started dating he was REALLY into dreams. In fact before we "officially" dated he had been really into lucid dreaming.
I remember one night after a party I took him and a bunch of his friends to Whataburger late at night... like 3am. John always got Taquitos. Well, he left his phone in my car.
I remember finding it in the car and I opened it up... curious.
The main screen said this "Are you dreaming?"
I was all like "wtf???"
I called him. Told him I had his phone and when he came to get it from me I asked what it meant. He then explained his fascination with lucid dreaming and how sometimes he had to make sure if he was dreaming or not. Talk about freaky. Eventually John stopped lucid dreaming. It started to freak him out too.... he told me his phone helped him and also in dreams he would look at his hands and if they weren't visible or if they were swirling that meant he was in a dream.
I remember a couple days after John died I sat on the stairs and stared at my hands. I wanted them to swirl so bad. I wanted it all to be a bad dream. A nightmare after all. I stared at them for 10 minutes. SWIRL GOD DAMNIT! This isn't real!!!! But of course they didn't swirl. I wasn't dreaming. I was stuck in a real life nightmare and there was no waking up.

Even though John stopped lucid dreaming his obsession with dreams never stopped. He was quite jealous of my vivid dreams and my RECALL of them. His recall was bad. He would forget them easily. So, I bought him a leather dream journal. He used it ONCE. He wrote about a dream he had... and started to write about a second. He started off saying "this dream had importance..."
and that's it. It kills me inside to wonder what it could have been about. What had it been about? It will be another unanswered question for the rest of my life.
John's interest in dreams never went away. I remember seeing the preview for Inception with him. He was PUMPED. He couldn't wait to see it. After watching the movie all I could think about was how John would have LOVED the movie. He would have seen it more than once. He would want to have it on DVD. I wish he would have gotten a chance to go and see it with me. Oh the conversation we would have had on the way home.

Now I am having John dreams. They hurt. I wake up sad. My chest heavy. My heart sometimes racing. Last night I kept dreaming of John's blue feet. I know, so morbid. But it's an image that is burned into my head. it's there all the time. I touched his cold, blue feet. I tickled them. And to not get a response... was terrifying. And in my dream last night that's how I knew he was dead too. All I saw were his feet.
And it happened multiple times. A bad movie playing in my mind. On repeat. Enough already. Can't I just have a dream where John and I kiss each other or have hot sex or get married or have a baby? Why do I have to have these heart wrenching dreams where I keep losing him? Why can't I even have him in my dreams? In a place where anything can happen. I can't keep him even then? How unfair my own mind is being to me.

Two nights ago I had both John AND Mr. Kusy in my dream. As if one dead person wasn't enough. Let's go ahead and add another tragic loss to my life. Two people I cared about very much. There. Meeting together in a dream. Never in real life.

I am praying tonight I get a break.
I get good sleep. Good dreams.
I want to wake up and not have to reach for my anxiety medication right away to keep from entering a full blown panic attack.
Time is going on. This may be getting harder.

1 comment:

Star said...

Try the breathing.

I wish I could plant some dreams for you. I don't have a lot of dreams about Roger either.