I haven't always been so open with my feelings about Halloween... mainly because everyone is so damn obsessed with it.
I mean it's a BIG freaking deal for some of my friends.
So I just kind of go with the flow.
I decorate the house is various fall colors... wreaths with bright oranges, yellows and browns. Dark reds and scents of cinnamon.
I have some sparkly bats hanging in the living room.
But that's about it.
No grave stones.
Halloween has gotten weird for me since 2010.
When working at Universal since 2007 I have gone to the Halloween Horror Night premieres every year. It's not as crowded, there are $2.00 beers, and you get to see the raw version of Bill and Ted.
But when I went in 2011 with Ryan and some friends it was just really hard.
I had a hard time going through some of the houses and had a panic attack just getting close to one of them.
I can handle vampires and werewolves and fantasy creatures.
But when it comes to dead people... I just can't handle it.
I definitely still suffer some PTSD when it comes to this. I even avoid certain movies because they can literally trigger a panic attack.
Finding John in April 2010 has left this permanent mark inside my brain and heart.
When I see pale, lifeless figures... even though I know they have make up on... I see John.
I do not like scenes with coffins or tombstones.
I don't know why tombstones bother me so much because John never even had one. I guess it just reminds me of death in general and how real it is.
And while many can laugh and have a grand ole' time during this holiday and wear costumes depicting death... I cannot.
I know I sound prudent.
And I know that it's just a "holiday." But for me there's something too real about death and mortality.
I just don't mind moving on from here... on to the happier holidays.
And please don't get me wrong.
I enjoy the yearly Halloween movies like anyone else. Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, etc.
I can even ride Haunted Mansion sometimes at Disney.
In fact, I would MUCH rather go to Disney's Not So Scary party than to HHN now.
If I ever go to HHN the only thing I really do is the Bill and Ted show and houses that don't involve dead bodies. ( which is basically none of them)
But that's about it.
I just thought I would let it out.
That I am broken.
And I guess that it will be this way for awhile.
And I really like Christmas much better.