Monday, July 18, 2011

Endoscopies and other fun things

I got my endoscopy. Turns out that I have gastritis.
Now, that makes me sound like a really gassy person. But that's not what it is, folks. haha
It's basically in inflammation of the stomach lining. You can find out more about it here.

No more soda. fuck.
no more tomato based anything. shit.
so.... THAT PIZZA AND COKE I HAD THE OTHER DAY... BAD IDEA!!! I went home and it felt like someone was taking scissors to my insides. gross. that was a weird analogy.
So I have my follow up appt. with my doctor on Aug. 1 and then we will talk about the endoscopy (they also took a biopsy) and my thyroid.

So, I guess these issues with my stomach and my thyroid have put a spike in my anxiety. I have been having some hard nights lately in the sleep department. Well, not like that has changed that much but I do feel like there was a period of a few months after John's death where I could actually sleep ok. In fact, sometimes I looked forward to it. Now, I dread sleep. If it weren't for Ryan I would never go to bed. I would be an insomniac.
Even times when I am completely exhausted my mind won't let me rest.
Last night I had a pretty bad panic attack.
I had a semi-dream (because I still kind of felt awake) that I was having a heart attack.
when I woke up I had sharp pains in my left arm.
Of course this makes the panic worse because that's a symptom of heart attack... but it's also a symptom of panic attack.
Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.
It's very traumatic... to go through this all the time.
And very exhausting.
I hate living in fear. Fear of death and how I will die.
fear that when I close my eyes to sleep I may never open them again... just like John.
so, i have been taking my clonazapem almost every night now.
It's something I haven't had to do much until recently.
I think it's the stress of starting a new job. Having to re-start my life again. You have to think... 4 schools in 5 years!!!! That's a lot of starting over. That's more schools than some will ever go through before they retire. I have been around. (school wise)

So, tonight I am going to let the Lunesta butterfly take me away and not deal with wondering if I am going to have anxiety or not. I will just sleep it through.
I long for a time when I feel free of this fear. free of anxiety and stress. free of worry.
I long to have dreams again of fancy free times and not wake up from nightmares where I lose John or where I am dying.
I think a first step towards establishing this new inner peace is praying MORE. I don't pray nearly enough and it's evident.
The other night I asked ryan to pray with me and he did... right before bed we held hands. And I felt a sense of relief after.
The other thing I need to do is relax more.
Tension runs in my family.
I have a high strung mom and dad. So, alas here I am.
I let EVERYTHING get to me. God picked the wrong person to be a widow.
So. Advice of stress relief is appreciated.
Yoga may be a start but I have had times when i am hanging in weird poses where I think I am gonna pass out... I rather have massages. But, then it's the money thing.

How to de-stress on a budget????

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