When I walked to work yesterday I arrived early so I could spend a but of time with Ryan since I get out at midnight.
and I had a big sense of guilt.
because Ryan had to put down his beloved dog of 12 years, Tippy. And I wasn't there for him. Like he has been there for me ALL the time.
she was scheduled for her procedure at 4pm. Right when work starts for me.
Ryan and I met at CityWalk around 2:30 (even though he was supposed to get out at 2... figures) we didn't have much time together though because Ryan had to leave to meet his mom at the vet.
It was so heart breaking to see him so heart broken.
when he left i knew i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about him.
and if you know the kind of person I am... once something starts tapping on my brain I can't focus on anything else. but i tried... and i went into work.. and decided to kick back in the theater until it was time to clock in. But then my phone rang. It was my test results for my thyroid bloodwork and ultrasound. i had just gotten a call from my GI doc about this and they scheduled a follow up appt. so I was confused why my primary care physician was also calling. and apparently so were they.
but i figured since I had a second chance to get information I would squeeze it out of them.
the lady told me that my blood results were normal and everything was where it needed to be. but then she said there was a nodule on my thyroid.
and that was that.
You just can't tell a girl with high anxiety and an already troubled heart that she has some thyroid nodule and not explain anything.
So... the water works began.
The panic of not knowing what is going on with my body and the guilt of not being with my boyfriend during a hard time.
When I went and spoke with my supervisor about it he mentioned there were too many people at work and I could go.
I mean, it was embarassing enough that I was crying wherever I went. I couldn't imagine being able to actually assist guests and function.
so. i left.
and i hauled ass to make it over to Oveido where Ryan was with Tippy and his mom.
as i parked my car i felt extreme anxiety.
to be around death.
even if it's an animal.
an animal that i barely knew.
it's still death and it still gets to me.
I walked into the vet room just right after Tippy passed. Ryan and his mom were in tears.
and so was I.
it was so hard to see Tippy on the table lifeless and even harder to look at ryan's face.
He just lost a family member.
And as I have said before.... a loss... is a loss.
Human or pet.
When you lose a piece of your family it's a hard void to fill.
I remember when Karen and Bobby had to put down Zion. It was such a hard time in our family and it wasn't long after John died. If you re-read that entry you can see the sweet ways the girls remembered him... and I tried to use those same sweet things when reminding Ryan where Tippy's new place is.
With someone in heaven that needs a pet. With his grandmother, with my John...
Because in my heart I want to believe that animals will be in heaven with us. Why wouldn't they?
Because in my big mansion in heaven one day I am going to have lots of great danes... lots of birds (including peacocks and owls) and lots of malteses :)